Alcohol

This is the first proper poetry I ever wrote... so comment away

Alcohol
Wherever you go, you hear me.
Wherever it is… I interfere.
You hear my siren song calling:
“It’s your friend 'wine' here.”

Don’t take heed of the warnings.
I’ll make you feel good.
I’ll take all the pain away.
I’ll help you like I should.

I’ll be all you’ll think about,
dawn or dusk, day and night.
Whatever you do, I’ll control you.
Make you laugh, make you fight.

I’ll lay some bait and lure you in...
Then the trap I'll snap shut.
It’s very simple I assure you.
Your lifleline I'll cut

This poem portrays very well the seductive personality of alchol. I think this poem is really good, and have only a few critiques.

Wherever you go, you hear me,

I believe it should be a period after "me", not a comma.

I’ll take all the pain and misery away.

For some reason, this line doesn't seem to flow with the rest of the poem. Try shortening it or rewriting it. In essence though, it's good.

I’ll be all you’ll think about.

Dawn or dusk. Day and night.

The punctuation seems incorrect. Consider replacing the period after "about" with a comma and the period after "dusk" with a comma. Also, the D in "Day" should be lower case.

Then the trap I snap shut.

This is present tense, but the rest of the poem is in future tense. Replace "I" with "I'll".

Your free will I cut.

Same here.

- - - - - - - - - - - -

Overall: I really liked this poem. It needs some revision, but all in all, you're off to a good start.

If you have any questions, PM me!

-dd9

Hello Minimac! I'm going to review this, but I'm afraid it might be a bit short, as there's not much to critique! As dd9 said, you really did portray the personality of alcohol well. I can just imagine it in a dark alley, beckoning you with its finger....yeah. So, let's get started!

"It's alcohol here."
This isn't really a criticism. It's just, wouldn't it be cool if you didn't write alcohol, but instead a euphemism for alcohol? (A euphemism is a metaphor for something, which makes the something sound better than it really is). Like, instead of alcohol, ambrosia or elixir of life or even just the names of the alcohol, like wine, beer, gin, vodka. Because the word alcohol, for me, at least, automatically triggers bad. liver damage. addiction. And alcohol wouldn't want you think that! It wants you to think that it's good! So...yeah.

Oh, and the last line I thought was a little odd. I get what you mean, and I know you had to rhyme, but would you really say 'your free will I'll cut?' I think it undermines the rest of the poem a little bit, because the rest is written in simple, straightforward, non-inverted language, so this didn't fit.

Anyway, this piece was great! Just consider editing it a little and it will be greater! PM me if you have any questions.

Errr, "wine"? That's the best source of alcohol you can think of?

Wine wouldn't be the best "lure" personally. Tequilla would be better...something potent that you only need a little of.

Hmm I don't really know what to say because this was really good!But Ive got to do two reviews so here it goes lol. You described alcohol perfectly where it says "Make you laugh, make you fight" it's exactly what alcohol does. I think it would be better if you didn't say the word alcohol because obviously we know what it's about so maybe you should just keep some mystery?
It's just a suggestion though.
Jessica x

I liked it! Wonderful job! As the others said, you did a great job of the feeling of addiction.

Wherever it is, I interfere.
You hear my siren song calling:
Your friend 'wine' here

This is my favorite line, the figurative language you use with the siren call is great. My other favorite part about this is the way the narrator is the alcohol. Great writing and keep that pen scribbling (or should I say keys clacking?)