Unzipped; II

x

Of course, that afternoon she was too stunned to think that familiar thought – Aiden said he loved her all the time, but not without proper encouragement.

But if she was too stunned to think it (why was she stunned?) Why did she the rest of this section thinking this exact thing?

if her partner didn't hear, then it was only the possibility of an awkward conversation struck dead, not something necessary.

What do you mean by "not something necessary"? I'm confused.

Now her Aiden wouldn't dream of calling a perfect stranger a “pig”, even if his drawing was the perfect reflection of such an animal.

You've used 'perfect' twice in one sentence- this makes the sentence awkward, as it links the stranger and reflection through the same word, and this link does nothing for the sentence.

I couldn't see much else to nit-pick, so well done on that part!

I liked this, it gave more insight on her relationship with Aiden and Georgia herself. What you should do now, however (if you haven't already done so in a later part) is expand on other parts of her life. While it is theoretically possible to base a story on just this conflict alone, this story would benefit from some other points, as well. How is her homelife? Does she get in trouble at parties? How is she socailly? Face it, the life of a teenager is complicated, often confusing, and has many woven plots. After all, it is a time of many different decisions, most of which will effect your future, and finding out who you are.
And while relationships are one of the largest things on most teenager's minds, this includes friends, social status, family, social events (parties, raves etc) and the conflicts that come with them, as well as boyfriend/girlfriends. Also, you have schoolwork, maybe part-time work, college funds, inner scrutiny, body image, and many other issues associated with being a teenager. So I encourage you to expand the plot to include more of these conflicts and issues, giving more depth to the story.

But overall, very good job, well done.
If you have any questions, feel free to PM.

-Nutty

Hey Hannah,

I thought I'd give you quick review for this one, too.

As I already told you the switching tenses thing is executed nicely here, so no complaints on that front.

Hmm... The only problem I see right now is that I don't really get the "hate-vibe" (I know it's not hate, per se, but dislike-vibe sounds stupid. XD) when she thinks back of the first time they meet.

She runs after him, so she can't be too angry about the pig-picture and then he smiles at her and every thing's pretty good except for one snappy thought and her not liking his manners so much, but she doesn't get too fussed about those. Make the thoughts she thinks back on a little sharper perhaps, just show she doesn't like him that much at first more before you tell us.

Other than that this was a pleasant read and even though there's no scandalous conflict I really want to continue reading, so well done!

All the best,
~Kalliope

P.S. PM me with any questions. ^_^

=D Ahh, I'm so happy! I get to turn this in for class next week, so it's good to get reviews now and have a solid base to build the fourth chapter off of! ^_^ <3

What do you mean by "not something necessary"? I'm confused.

Eeehhh, I had the meaning in my head, KNEW the sentence came out awkward, and still left it in. xD I'll try to clear it up. ^_^

Also, I completely get what you're saying about not having much about Georgia in there. As I read back, I realize I don't really tell much about her besides her thoughts about drawing class, and even then it's all centered around Aiden. -grumbles something under breath-

I'll remedy this for sure! ^_^ Thanks for pointing it out and I will fix your nit-picks. <33

Hmm... The only problem I see right now is that I don't really get the "hate-vibe" (I know it's not hate, per se, but dislike-vibe sounds stupid. XD) when she thinks back of the first time they meet.

I completely understand this point too! Yay for critiquing! Hahaha. I will try to add some more depth to the description there and STOP worrying about it being too long for class. They'll have two weeks to read it, so now I won't worry anymore. -gigglefits-

First of all, CBF, I'd like to worship you for worshipping my 'Dusting Off Angels'. Your points were icredibly helpful, and I shall heed you advice.

“He’s kind of…” she began, careful to keep her voice low and quiet. If her partner didn't hear, then it was only the possibility of an awkward conversation struck dead; she wouldn't need to repeat herself as if it was some necessary statement.

Uh...you should probably make it a bit clearer as to who 'he' is. And I'd suggest replacing 'her partner' with 'Aiden', just to clarify even more. Are thet talking abot the instructor?


Alright, for this scene, I'm not sure where they are. Are they in the art room? Are they in the car? Is this before or after he said he loved her? In other words, what the heck is going on? Because I have no idea.

“Show your partner your sketch.” Groans rose desperately from the majority of the class. “Come, come, now,” said Mr. Frett, “Critique is the essence of perfection! Where would we be if we had nothing to improve? You’ve already lost all self-respect by walking into this room, so it can’t get any worse.”

That's why we're here, Hannah-love. To critique your stuff and take away all self-respect you had before joining YWS. Isn't it just wonderful?

So, I'm not going to go into ultra-nitpick mode on you, sorry. I am going to tell you that you have formulated some quite well-rounded characters, in their personalities; not their lives, though. You really need to, as Nutty said, add some things about the rest of her life. How's her school? We don't even know if she has parents; you've never mentioned them. Her life can't possibly revolve around Aiden. You're so talented at subtly sneaking in other facts so that they fit seamlessly with everything around it; work some of that magic here in order to enlighten us, would you?

Phantom Tollbooth. It figures.

“Shut up, Georgia,” she whispered to the empty room,

She wasn't talking. Isn't there anything else she could tell herself?

In though the nose and out through the mouth.

No! It was so lovely before this! Please please please take this out, just for me, Hannah dear. Remember? You worship me? Do this for your darling Evi.

I'm very interested in this right now. even more so that Charlotte's, actually. The characters are a lot better portrayed, and they have names. This doesn't irk me near as much. In fact, it's wonderful! You're truly very talented with the style of writing, you know. It's your specialty, I can tell, being able to really show the characters through how you write every single word.

I'm not sure where this is going, but tell us some about why Georgia is taking these art classes. Does she aspire to be an artist? If so, why is her portrait so...for lack of a better word, bad?

I shall attack part three. You work wonders for my review count.

~Evi

Alright, for this scene, I'm not sure where they are. Are they in the art room? Are they in the car? Is this before or after he said he loved her? In other words, what the heck is going on? Because I have no idea.

ECKKKKKK.
There is no appropriate breaking space between chapters one and two. ;C They just like... they need to go together, but then they get so long for YWS!! ;C Ahhh. -flails- I and II are supposed to flow seamlessly together. >_< Yuckk, I'm sorry it gets so confusing!

AND FOR SURE I can take that last line out. >_> It was me trying to show people that GOSH she's just relaxing, not sleeping. =] It's gone, baby, it's gone. xD Well, it will be when I do my edits after you get through it all. xD <3

Shyuck and I tried putting in some parts about Georgia going to SVA in New York {I think her mom is an artist and has shoved her into the trade as well}... but they all got really awkward. ._. I'll try again!

<3

Phantom Tollbooth. Very Happy It figures.

I can put my babies in my stories if I WANT to, Evi!!



Hehehe. <3 Thanks for this and the last critique! I will edit them for you, love! xDD

-Hannah-

Hello Hannah! June here again, to run over this quickly .

Once again, this chapter, like the first, is nearly flawless. To me, writing is often rhythmic, but sometimes the writer tends to stray a bit from the rhythm they begin with.

However! You do not. You start in one way, and finish in the same way, while not sounding monotonous! A monotonous piece of work can easily turn a person away, and your word is not monotonous at all.

A few little nitpicks!

“Insane?” suggested Aiden, a smile curving up the right side of his face.

I stuck an "a" after the comma, it kind of halted without it. I'm not sure if this is an error or an effect you were going for?

“Shut up, Georgia,” she whispered to the empty room, “Who cares if he won't read...

This is not really much of an error, but I just wanted to point out that the "W" in the second part of the quotation (or more specifically, the W in Who) should be lowercased.

In though the nose and out through the mouth.

Lastly! In though the nose should be in through. I mean, how can you though the nose?


---

Despite the fact that it isn't clarified where they are, or it's not a smooth transition from chapter one to this, this is good. Perhaps telling us a pinch about the setting would help, but, it isn't necessary to try and transition the chapters. Some books have abrupt endings and abrupt beginnings in chapters, other don't. This is the type of story that can work without transitioning .

You did a very good job here, Hannah. It didn't confuse at all, brilliant! Normally, this type of part in a chapter would confuse me, but it didn't! Great!


Onto the next part! Good job, my dear! Great job!

June

She was sure she’d seen him before, somewhere on campus, but couldn’t place him definitely.
Are you...continuing the flashback from the previous part? That would make sense. It would work, except this is divided into parts, so this is a confusing place to split it, I think. I'd start this bit with the first paragraph of the flashback from the previous bit.

“Insane?” suggested Aiden, smile curving up the right side of his face.
A smile?

Rather than pressing that hopeless subject,
I don't know, but that hopeless subject is a little weird and too wordy. I think someone mentioned this before, but you have kind of a habit of using more words than necessary? Concise is always better, dear, and this phrase could easily be replaced with it.

“Critique is the essence of perfection! Where would we be if we had nothing to improve?
This should be, like, the official motto of YWS. In big, bold letters at the top of the site.

more and more intensely rouged.
I'm being SO picky. But when I think of rouge, I think make up? And I think it's another instance where you're trying to use, not too many in this case, but too...inventive? words. If you know what I mean? You have a style that's fun to read, regardless of plot, because the words you use are so unique and well put together. But you also have to balance that out, because regardless of words, you still have something to say. You know? So don't get too preoccupied with using words that are "different." Red would work better here.

red as her blood-filled cheeks now were,
I think this would be smoother if you removed now were.

That doesn't make him stupid.”
YES IT DOES.

In though the nose
Insert R.

Good job again, darling. Though I'm getting sick of flashbacks, so I hope the story starts to move on now?

LOVE, MARS