~Addicting Poison - chapter 1~

Chapter One

One year before

Outside the rusted, iron gate looking into the abandoned manor, I stood and looked up at it. The tall gate rested high and proud while the house stood behind it in it's glory. It had been at least a decade since I had last been to this house. I wanted to see how my home had changed over the years. Realtors were rumored to be having a hard time selling it, even it has been more than century ago had passed sine ‘the incident’. I found this out by doing some snooping in the library, before stopping by. Turning up my iPod fall blast, I sighed and removed my hands from where they nestled in my jacket pocket. Curling them around the cold, rusted metal gate I pushed it open swiftly and easily

It didn’t hurt when the rust on the gate pricked my finger as I forced the old gate open. I walked into the front yard. My fingers brushed over the tall grass. The leathery feel brought back memories of playing in the front yard as a child. This garden used to be beautiful, but now, I thought as I looked around, It was a jungle. Without meaning to, I kicked up dirt and got it on my shoes as I walked. I strolled up to the door and noticed that it was open.

So, people have been visiting, I thought, as I turned down the iPod. Putting my foot on the threshold, I opened it wider. Even though I had earphones in my ears, my abnormally good hearing heard voices in the house. I removed my earphones and stepped though the door.

Everything was filthy with dust. I walked into the entrance hall, and then into the living room. I looked around, memories coming back. A little girl running around, so happy and carefree. Then the walls smeared with blood. A scream. I walked around the living room, with a hand on the wall, feeling rough texture. I smiled to myself for when I was a child; I’d often when I was growing up. When I touch a smooth spot, I froze with fear of the past.

A teenage girl seeing her parents’ blood on the wall. She froze on the spot and watched as a man in a black ski mask approaching her with a knife.

No time to mess around, I thought as I dropped my hand like skin to a branding iron. I heard voices and judging by the distance of them, people were in the back yard. Making my way to the back of the house, I stopped at the broken glass back door, before the light reached in. From what I could see, it was three young men who were having a good time and drinking their beers. My violet eyes raked over each of them. Two were black haired, dark brown eyes, and were of average height. The other one was golden haired and light eyed. My eyes looked over their form. They were dress simple. All of them were lean, with muscle and white shirts showing off their chest. Their khakis pants showed their long legs.

Wow I thought as my heart picked up speed.

I let my body fell on the ground, hoping that the bush will cover me. The smell of grass hit me and overwhelmed me leaving me a little dizzy as the memory of my childhood flashed back. I crawled closer to the undergrowth of the garden.

My chest was killing me as my heart pounded quickly in a sense of fear and childish excitement. I pulled myself off the ground and stuck out my head to look at the guys. I gazed insistently at them. Hmm.. eighteen, nineteen maybe? In an instant, the golden-haired boy turned and looked straight at me. Shit, I though as my body acted in an reflex and pulled me back into the darkness.

“Adam?” I heard one of the dark-haired boys ask. His voice was slight buzzed from the beers

“You okay, dude?” the other asked, his voice the same.

“Yeah. I just thought I saw a girl,” Adam said confused. I swallowed. I’m going to regret this, I thought as I stepped out into the openness. They all stood up as I walked out to the little ‘party.’

“Dude, you were right. A hot looking’ girl at that,” the other black-haired boy said. I rolled my eyes at the comment. Boys, I thought. The golden-haired did the same thing.

“Sorry about them. I’m Adam,” he said as he stepped forward with his hand raised for a shake. I looked at It. He got the impression I didn’t want to shake and started to pull back his hand. stepping forward, I took and shook it.

“I’m Elizabeth,” I said.

“Nice to meet you, Elizabeth. Let me introduce my friends,” Adam said as he pulled back his hand. He pointed to the black-haired boy at his left. “That’s Zech.”

“Hi,” Then he pointed to another one. “ And that’s Derek.”

“Hi,” Derek said in a cheery voice. He is happy to meet someone pretty, I thought dryly.

“Nice to meet both you,” I said politely. Zech brought up a beer from their ice chest and offered me one.

"Want to join us?" he said with a grin. I looked at him, raised a corner of my mouth in a weird smile and turned my eyes to the beer.

"Cheers, but I’ll pass. I need to get going." I turned looking at the gate.

“Oh, a good girl,” Derek said, shaking his head. “Of course, all the good ones are the hottest.” He muttered under his breath.

“Yes. It was a pleasure meeting you,” I said. I turned around and walk back. I heard Adam mutter “guys” and then footsteps coming up behind me. I walked into the house. Not more than five seconds later.

“Elizabeth, wait,” Adam, said as he came up behind. He rubbed the back of his neck that made me have a burning desire to do it for him. What the crap? I know this guy for what? Ten minutes? And I am already picturing myself getting him a backrub, I thought sardonically.

“I’m sorry about them. Listen, at least let me give you a ride to your house since my friends were being jerks,” Adam said. Bad idea, I thought.

“No, but thanks for the offer," I said with a smile.

“But...” he said. I walked away from him. Hearing him turn away and going back to his friends, I left the house. When I turned to the corner, I heard a bike start up. It drove up beside me and riding it was the blond haired Adonis, Adam. I groaned.

"Come on. Please let me give you a ride," he said. I looked at him like he was stupid.

"I will be perfectly fine on my own," I snarled. I walked faster, but he kept pace with me.

“I said I will be fine on my own,” I snapped, looking at him.

"Let me be the judge of that. Give me your address," he demanded. I hesitantly told him.

"Jesus, you live all the way out in the country! Get on. I am not about to let a beautiful girl walk alone. Especially In the city," he said as he held out a helmet. I stared at it, then at him.

"Is that your only one?" I asked, trying to find a way out. He lifted another one from the backpack on the bike. Shit, I thought as I took the one he held out and put It on. I got on behind him. I felt the warm of his back radiate in to my chest. I almost melted against him, but I caught myself.

"Ready?" he inquired as he revved up.

"Ready," I groaned; we took off.

First, I would like to thank you for not posting, like, fifty pages. This is a good length to review.

First, the nit-picks:

I sighed and turned up my iPod In my jacket pocket. I put my hand on the gate and pushed It open.

I assume you are capitalizing "it" for emphasis. If "It" is capitalized to represent the house, fine, but you need to stay consistent. Your MC is pushing open a gate, not a house XD

Make "In" lowercase. It should be "in"

The leathery feel brought back memories of playing In the front yard as a child.

The leathery feel of grass? *runs outside to feel grass* Um, I don't particularly find grass leathery, but it's your call!
You capitlaized "in" again.

I strolled up to the door and noticed that It was open.

You have capitalized it again. I have a feeling you meant to, but it's odd. The door is open. So "It" represents the house, the door and the gate???

I thought, as I turned down the iPod. I put my foot on the threshold and opened It wider. Even though I had earphones In my ears, my abnormally good hearing heard voices In the house. I removed my earphones and stepped into the threshold.

Again with the capitalization of "it" and "in"!

I don't really want to finsih the review, because I'm not sure if you meant to capitalize all the "it's", "into's" and "in's"

Haruno Sakura:

thanks for spotting. i did the replace feature with the "i" and it Captizie all the "i". let me fix then you can finish your review if you want.

All right, thanks

Sorry, if I was rude before, but it was really bothering me lol

No time to mess around, I thought as I dropped my hand like skin to a branding iron

I understand what your getting at with the metaphor, but it seems weird. Skin drops off branding irons. I would say... I dropped my hand as though it were a branding iron.

I left my body fell on the ground,

Um, what? Do you mean, I let my body fall to the ground? My body fell on the ground? Because how it is now is just odd XD

hoping that the bush would cover me

Two things;
1. When did she get outside?
2. Woops! You changed tenses. I changed it for you. (Would was formerly will)

I looked at It

Forgot to

All right, thanks

Sorry, if I was rude before, but it was really bothering me lol

No time to mess around, I thought as I dropped my hand like skin to a branding iron

I understand what your getting at with the metaphor, but it seems weird. Skin drops off branding irons. I would say... I dropped my hand as though it were a branding iron.

I left my body fell on the ground,

Um, what? Do you mean, I let my body fall to the ground? My body fell on the ground? Because how it is now is just odd XD

hoping that the bush would cover me

Two things;
1. When did she get outside?
2. Woops! You changed tenses. I changed it for you. (Would was formerly will)

I looked at It

Forgot to de-capitalize it here.

Especially In the city,

Forgot this one too.


Good job!

oh my god! I wrote this huge review and it was erased! I swear I'll finish it later. God! This sucks.

Haruno Sakura wrote:oh my god! I wrote this huge review and it was erased! I swear I'll finish it later. God! This sucks.

it's does. i hope you finished it soon. i want to know what you think about it.

Ok, second attempt at writing a review!

as I dropped my hand like skin to a branding iron

Skin drops of branding irons? I understand what you're trying to say, but it is worded awkwardly. I would say "I dropped my hand away as though the wall were a branding iron" or something like that.

My eyes looked over their form.

A sentence or two earlier, "my eyes looked..." was the subject of a different sentence. It becomes repetitive.

Wow, I thought as my heart picked up speed.

I added a comma here. Always add a comma after the thought of a character.

I let my body fell on the ground

Um, what?
I'm pretty this is a typo. Should be, "I let my body fall to the ground.

hoping that the bush will cover me

Woops! You screwed up your tenses here. Will is present tense. It should say, "hoping that the bush would cover me."

The smell of grass hit me and overwhelmed me leaving me a little dizzy as the memory of my childhood flashed back.

This sentence could be made a lot simpler if you didn't say "me" so many times or if you broke it up into two sections. I would say, "The smell of grass was overwhelming. I grew dizzy as memories iof my childhood flashed through my head."

Shit, I though as my body acted in an reflex and pulled me back into the darkness.

Delete "an."

His voice was slight buzzed from the beers

Should read, "His voice was slightly buzzed from the beers, You also forgot a period at the end.

Ok, second attempt at writing a review!

as I dropped my hand like skin to a branding iron

Skin drops of branding irons? I understand what you're trying to say, but it is worded awkwardly. I would say "I dropped my hand away as though the wall were a branding iron" or something like that.

My eyes looked over their form.

A sentence or two earlier, "my eyes looked..." was the subject of a different sentence. It becomes repetitive.

Wow, I thought as my heart picked up speed.

I added a comma here. Always add a comma after the thought of a character.

I let my body fell on the ground

Um, what?
I'm pretty this is a typo. Should be, "I let my body fall to the ground.

hoping that the bush will cover me

Woops! You screwed up your tenses here. Will is present tense. It should say, "hoping that the bush would cover me."

The smell of grass hit me and overwhelmed me leaving me a little dizzy as the memory of my childhood flashed back.

This sentence could be made a lot simpler if you didn't say "me" so many times or if you broke it up into two sections. I would say, "The smell of grass was overwhelming. I grew dizzy as memories iof my childhood flashed through my head."

Shit, I though as my body acted in an reflex and pulled me back into the darkness.

Delete "an."

His voice was slight buzzed from the beers

Should read, "His voice was slightly buzzed from the beers, You also forgot a period at the end.

stepping forward, I took and shook it.

Capitalize stepping. Also, take out "I took". If she's shaking his hand, of course she's taken it.

and put It on

Eek! The return of the capitalized "it's!"

All in all, good job.

This better not get deleted...

Haruno Sakura: alright. thanks.

One year before

This is a good add-in, Bri. It gives us a time frame to work with. Nice job

Realtors were rumored to be having a hard time selling it, even though fifty-five years had passed sine ‘the incident’.

“since” instead of “sine”

This garden used to be beautiful, but now, I thought as I looked around, It was a jungle.

Lowercase “I” in “it” here.

No time to mess around, I thought as I dropped my hand like skin to a branding iron.

I still love this sentence. It stands out to me… but in a good way, of course

Shit, I though as my body acted in an reflex and pulled me back into the darkness.

“Thought” instead of “though”

His voice was slight buzzed from the beers.

This is worded funny. Maybe try: His voice was slightly slurred from the buzz he was getting off of his beer clenched in his left hand. or something like that.

I looked at It.

Lowercase “I” on “it”

stepping forward, I took and shook it.

Uppercase “s” on “stepping”

He is happy to meet someone pretty, I thought dryly.

I get what you mean here, but I still think you should elaborate more than just this. Go more into his expression and how she knows this is what he is thinking.

And I am already picturing myself getting him a backrub, I thought sardonically.

“giving” I think you mean rather than “getting”

Shit, I thought as I took the one he held out and put It on.

Lowercase “I” on “it”

~ ~ ~ ~

This was good. I still think a little more in explaining where your MC is coming from and what she truly thinks of Adam needs to be shown so we grow attached to them from the very beginning, you know?

Otherwise, I look forward to more!

Outside the rusted, iron gate looking into the abandoned manor, I stood and looked up at it.

This sentence seemed a little awkward to me, I would try to rephrase it.

It didn’t hurt when the rust on the gate pricked my finger as I forced the old gate open.

I would change that to "It didn't hurt when the rust on the gate pricked my finger as I forced it open." It feels like gate is too repetitive.

I smiled to myself for when I was a child; I’d often when I was growing up. When I touch a smooth spot, I froze with fear of the past.

The first sentence doesn't make sense to me... Try rephrasing. And in the second sentence it should say "touched" not "touch".

From what I could see, it was three young men who were having a good time and drinking their beers.

I think it would sound better if you just said "drinking beer" instead of "Their beers".

They were dress simple.

It should be "dressed" not "dress".

Wow I thought as my heart picked up speed.

There should be a comma after "Wow".

I let my body fell on the ground, hoping that the bush will cover me.

"Fell" should be "Fall" and "will" should be "would" I think.

Shit, I though as my body acted in an reflex and pulled me back into the darkness.

I think you meant "thought" but that's probably just a typo.

His voice was slight buzzed from the beers

You need a period after that sentence, plus I think it would sound better as "slurred" rather than "buzzed" because I don't know if you could hear someone's buzz.

stepping forward, I took and shook it.

"Stepping" needs to be capitalized.

“Of course, all the good ones are the hottest.” He muttered under his breath.

Comma after hottest, and a lower case "h" on he.

Bad idea, I thought.

You don't need to say "I thought" because it's in italics, and I think it sounds better without it.

Especially In the city," he said as he held out a helmet.

"In" should be lower case.

Shit, I thought as I took the one he held out and put It on.

"It" should be lower case too.

The rewrite was better, but I just wanted to point out those things above. Good job, and I really like the story. (:

Hello again, Mistress! ^_^

Where Am I?

I compliment you highly on the description in the beginning. You did a very good job with that. Kudos! =D

Then later, I was confused. At first, I assumed it was Elizabeth's house 'cause she said it was, then we see three guys partying in the backyard? Who's house is this exactly? xD That was a little unclear, and will answer questions once explained. If it's the guys' house, then why is Elizabeth trespassing on someone's property? If it's Elizabeth's, then why are the guys trespassing on her property?

I Don't Know You, And You, And You...

So, we have three guys. Adam and two others who I don't really care for. xD We get the small impression that Adam is more important than the other two, but we don't fully see a connection between him and Elizabeth. For a while, I see them as just three guys in the back, and only one of them is brave and stupid enough to give a stranger a ride home. xD

Basically, try to dwell more on Adam than the other two. We want him to seem more exceptional than the other two. When you describe the three of them, you describe only the basics: Hair and clothes. Don't fall for this trap. The readers get lost when we do this to them. We have to slowly introduce each character and slowly describe their appearance. Give the reader time to remember/memorize their appearance.

And most importantly, I don't really know Elizabeth. She's the MC, but I don't know what's going through her head besides these memories. And at one point she's surprised to find three guys in the back (or is she?) and all freaking out because they see her and she sees how handsome they are. But when she walks out, she's all rolling her eyes and not giving a freaking care. xD I think she's trying to cover up her emotions, but I'm not sure? She's a vampire, so she probably wouldn't blush, but she would show some uneasiness, right? 'Cause a couple stranger guys are hitting on her? Though Adam, I would be ticked at. xD Elizabeth doesn't know the guy and Adam's begging to give her a ride home? Creepy. She did well in that part, haha, though she should have just run away.

And would Adam really offer Elizabeth a ride? Or is he drunk? And if he's drunk, why would Elizabeth just let him take her home? In hopes that he will kill himself? (I mean, she won't die, right? xD)

Anyway, those are my thoughts. I hope I was of some help, and I'm willing to review more of this when you post. Just send me a PM! ^_^

Keep writing! =D

Jabber, the One and Only!

*Night Mistress~

Here are some comments I have when reading this...

*The Home~
Okay, if this is her house, then she's been a vampire for 55 years? Or longer? Am I right?

*Tenses~
In the first paragraph I noticed a tense mishap. I'm not going to point out every single one out in this chapter. Just look closely when you type and post. ~ Don't worry. I have some tense problems too.

*The Incident and her thoughts~
There seem to be enough thoughts and about the past. But, I would like to see a scenario when the incident happened. Maybe have it in this chapter or whatever. Have everything, between dialogue and descriptions.

*Grammar~
There are a lot of times when I don't see commas and period when they are needed. Like I said before, I am not going to point out every single one of them. Just reread what you write, and it should help.

*The guys and Adam ~
His friends have no characteristics at all. All they want to do is drink. Add in what they like here and there and it should help. Now, Adam. He seems like the nice guy, but what is he aiming for when he's with Elizabeth? Maybe friends or a little more.

*Adam (again)~
He is one strange guy. He's either helpful or demanding. Or even whiny. His emotions range from up and down. A lot. It's hard to keep up with them all.

*Overall~
When I read this chapter, I didn't see a lot of revisions from Poison Love onto this one. And I don't think you were intending to do that. Anyway, I saw that you had seven chapters from Poison Love. Are you going to revise those too, to Addicting Poison? Well, tell me when you do. Great Job!
*Merry

Hey again ^^

Again, this was a very nice chapter. I loved the descriptions of the house and the guys - good job!
However, you should give us more info on Adam's two friends (it doesn't matter whether they'll be playing an important role later or not ), because right now, they seem very shallow and one-dimensional (if you know what I mean ...).
I mean - of course, Adam is her main focus, seeing how they end up together, but still it's better to have characters with personality.

A few grammar mistakes that I noticed and the others haven't mentioned:

I let my body fall to the ground, hoping that the bush would cover me. The smell of grass hit me and overwhelmed me, leaving me a little dizzy as the memory of my childhood flashed back. I crawled closer to the undergrowth of the garden.

Other than that, very well done!
MySunshine