I'm Drinking my Last Hurricane

I'm drinking my last hurricane,
hoping this one will melt my brain.
Watch the whores walk by in the summer heat
with the short, short shorts that I'd love to meet.

Man, get me some bitch
and meet me at the ball field.
Man, get me a whore:
a girl that'd make me feel real.

I'm drinking my last hurricane,
watching innocence fall like rain
in this storm of illusion,
this wind of diffusion
from a higher concentration
to a whore.

Take me to the beer store, bitch --
get me some forties and scratch my itch.
I wanna enjoy the sun while it lasts
'cause my renegade life's slippin' 'way too fast.

I'm drinking my last hurricane
and I like how it feels 'cause it numbs my pain.
Girl, y'say your shorts make you feel like a whore,
but it's those short, short shorts that make me love you more.

Man, get me some bitch
and meet me at the ball field.
Man, get me a whore:
a girl that knows what shit's real.

Always back to that whore and her booze --
with a forty - watt smile, I am sure to lose.
With her fine dimpled cheeks
and the way that she speaks,
she is sure to just become
another whore.

Take me to the beer store, bitch --
I know that you can, but can you scratch my itch?
I wanna enjoy the sun while it lasts
and have the feel of your fingers erase my past.

I'm drinking my last hurricane;
tomorrow I'll drown in cocaine --
in a sea of happiness I'll never attain
and the short-short whores will go insane.

What's this? A critique? Get rid of your first line, 'cause it sucks.
JUST PLAYIN. I LOVE IT.
Okay. For reals now. I promise.

a girl that'd make me feel real.
So, you know how I think this should be put to music, right? That'd is a little weird/awkward to say (song or poem). This could be fixed by changing it to to and it would keep its meaning.

this wind of diffusion
You KNOW this is my favorite part of the thing. It's lovely. Although I'm trying to wrap my head around what a wind of diffusion is. Like...I guess it could be a wind that transports things from a higher concentration to a lower concentration. I don't know. Maybe I'm being really obtuse here?

Take me to the beer store, bitch --
I really, really agree with Clo here in that you've made your point too clear. The word beer just ruins the whole lovely balance of the imagery with the hurricane and the grittiness of bitches and whores, if that makes sense.

with a forty - watt smile, I am sure to lose.
I love this line, a lot. Not the booze above it (see my comment above) but this line I love. I'm not sure if forty watts is a lot, I tend to hear hundred watt more often, but if forty watts really isn't, it'd be interesting to know if you did that on purpose?

she is sure to just become
Maybe I'm reading too much into this? But I think it's odd that she is a whore in the first line, and then she'll become a whore here. And this is kind of rampant through the poem, like when her short short shorts make her feel like a whore. I don't know. Hm. Next one!

There isn't one.

So, I do love this, especially since I know who inspired it. Which probably makes my review more useless than the others. But anyway, I love the idea of making these lyrics, but if it's kept a poem, then I think it could be shortened a bit, since you don't need a repeated chorus, et cetera. You know?

LOVE! I'M GOING TO RAPE YOUR PORTFOLIO NOW!!!
-Mars

Hey Hannah-Banana!

I'm drinking my last hurricane,
hoping this one will melt my brain.
Watch the whores walk by in the summer heat
with the short, short shorts that I'd love to meet.

Man, get me some bitch
and meet me at the ball field.

No! I don't like this line. The "man" throws a whole "bro" collar-popped feel to this. When you say "bitch" I want to take the line seriously, but with that attitude you throw over it, I can't. Try rephrasing the words so it sounds less casual and more serious.

Man, get me a whore:
a girl that'd make me feel real.

Same thing here.

this wind of diffusion
from a higher concentration
to a whore.

Instead of saying whore again, try to find a different image, since we're unclear what "higher concentration" is referencing to, so use a metaphorical word for whore as well.

Take me to the beer store, bitch --
get me some forties and scratch my itch.
I wanna enjoy the sun while it lasts
'cause my renegade life's slippin' 'way too fast.

Ditch this stanza. Too casual and it ruins a lot of the other words you previously said by driving the image of this poem too hard.

This reads more like a song then a poem. Mainly, all the repetition. I really, really like the first stanza, but then I think you become too clear with what you mean (I know, with poems it's either you're too clear or vague, right? Heh) but I think you should add a little more metaphor to this. Especially since you're main idea is centered around the idea of something being a hurricane.

Shorten it. Cut out stanza and play with words.

PM me with questions! I'm not the best at reviewing poetry.

~ Clo