Skies Labeled Lost

Glasses of wine and and cups filled with sin,
mornings of thought following nights filled with gin
intentions they fall and actions they stay
till time blows on and they whither away
all things will pass, though many drag on
because time is so slow when the moment need be gone
the ticks never tick and the tocks seem to stop
but once they have passed
it no longer feels long
walking on air and swimming on ground
flying in water's like smiling in frown
our senses make sense, yet life never tends
to bend in a sense in which our senses can sense,
and since that intense.. confusion of words
nothing has come, except an authors absurd
thoughts in a train or trains filled with thoughts
maybe planes with ideas flying through skies labeled lost..

After I posted I noticed one mistake, which is: flying in water's like smiling in frown. It should be, " flying in water is like smiling in frown." Sorry about that.

Hello there! Welcome to YWS! I'm Angel of Death but please call me Angel, everyone else does. I hope you stay here in this wonderful community of writers because I've been for a year and some months and I've really grown as a writer.

Now anyways, on to this poem, I loved it! The rhythm was great and the execution was good from beginning to end. Usually, I give these long critiques that talk about structure and meaning and such but I feel that you're lucky enough to miss out on that ^_~

I like your style its new but it is oh so beautiful.

Glasses of wine and and cups filled with sin,

I especially loved this line and I felt it opened up the poem nicely. Well done.

I really can't find my favorite part because this is now one of my favorite poems but there is two lines that I really really like

thoughts in a train or trains filled with thoughts
maybe planes with ideas flying through skies labeled lost..

It pulls in the title and it ends the poem perfectly.

I hope to read more of your work!

Ta,

~Angel

I don't want to sound harsh, I'm just critiquing, so here goes..
1: there is an inherent lack of punctuation. Look it up here at YWS in that search box. You'll find plenty of tips on punctuating poems. Believe me, this one needs it!
2: try to give this poem a more direct outcome. The way it is...it's alright. But it's not awesome like it could be if you did like these ideas.
cheers. Bye,.

Really thanks to both of you. Again I love writing, but I am fairly new to this, and i really do want all the criticism i can get. I just checked out what you told me and your right. It said that it is difficult at first but I am going to start to take notice of the punctuation in all the poems that I write. I am sure that it will make a difference. Thanks.

This. Poem. Was. Awesome!!! I loved, loved, loved it!!! Great imagery and rhythm! A few things though:

I think you were going for a rhyme scheme, and for the most part, you did so wonderfully. In the middle, however, it kinda stopped rhyming, then started up again.

The beginnings of the sentences should be capitalized, and you are in need of some major grammar. Don't worry though, eventually people bug you enough that you yourself become a grammar Nazi.

Other than those few little things, I thought this was great. Keep writing!

llobalito8 wrote:Glasses of wine and and cups filled with sin, I'm assuming the two and's are just a typo
mornings of thought following nights filled with gin
intentions they fall and actions they stay What do you mean by intentions falling? Should it be fade maybe?
till time blows on and they whither away Wither is spelled wrong
all things will pass, though many drag on
because time is so slow when the moment need be gone this line is a little too long
the ticks never tick and the tocks seem to stop
but once they have passed
it no longer feels long
walking on air and swimming on ground
flying in water's like smiling in frown Isn't it supposed to be that "water is like...", the apostrophe's a bit awkward...
our senses make sense, yet life never tends
to bend in a sense in which our senses can sense, I absolutely loved the last two lines
and since that intense.. confusion of words I wouldn't put two periods there, I would stick with a comma maybe?
nothing has come, except an authors absurd It should be author's
thoughts in a train or trains filled with thoughts
maybe planes with ideas flying through skies labeled lost..

Sorry if I appeared to be a little harsh. This was an excellent poem, and I loved the theme of it...It was very unique. The punctuation might be a little off, but I'm not too sure how to fix that, sorry ...Really good job on this though!