Was it wrong to love you ? Preface

Thankyou for all of your advice so far, you're all so helpful ! xD Please comment review, etc.
I LOVE YOUX


Preface
Preface
He felt a warm, yet deadly breath on his bare and exposed neck, as a pair of soft lips touched him there. He grumbled something in his sleep, and turned over.

The lips were placed upon his neck once more; he wrinkled his nose, feeling uncomfortable with this new visitor.

He turned over once more and suddenly hit the hard ground, bolting upright, staring around the dark room.

Screwing his eyes, he stood up, his legs wobbling, and stumbled to the light, flicking it on; a yellow light flooded his bedroom, the light blinded his dry eyes, blurring them as he tried to put his attention back on his bedroom, as his eyes refocused he stared at his belongings; his trainers dumped untidily beside his bed, his clothes tipped out of his wardrobe and some mouldy pizza crusts. Everything was the same. Aiden spun around...

He had heard a hissing noise, and could have sworn he saw a flash of black as he turned. But nobody was there.

He felt as if the hiss was echoing across his room, or just repeating itself in his head.

He made his way to his bed, the light still on, and hugged his knees to his chest, yes it was childish to be scared, but hey, wouldn't everyone be?

Hello there! Thought I would offer up some critique! Let’s start with word choice and grammar.

An ordinary person

Yes,

Like the fact that

Like I have told you already.

While these aren’t bad lines, I feel personally that they take away from the overall story. They make a reader remember the fact that they are reading a story, instead of being apart of a story. And isn’t the overall affect to try to entrap the reader into the tale? My suggestion would be to not include these.

A little off subject for a second, but I must mention the last line of your prologue here. I love it! I think the “you know you want to” is a great sentence, and while it wouldn’t work for many stories, for yours to completely does. It goes along with the overall feeling.

Moving onto overall wording.

I love the amount of detail that you have it in, the description of the light, the sky, the streets, etc. It’s great, but I feel like you need something to balance it out. Why not a random animal, or object, follow it’s path slightly as you describe everything. At this point it is easy to skim over some of it, and I can tell that you have some great word choice in there that people won’t want to miss. Again, this is only a suggestion though.

Overall, I would love to see you continue to work with this. Try molding it, seeing it from different angles. Putting it away for a day, coming back! I’m sure you could

I LIKE THE STORY IT CATCHS MY ATTENTION KEEP ON WRITING .IF YOU DONT MIND PLEASE LET ME KNOW WHEN YOU AVE WRITEN MORE

Heyy, my name's lucyy *shakes hands* I'm just randomly looking around for pieces to review, and my eyes fell upon this piece, so here I am reviewing your work!! I've already noticed that this is quite a short piece and there is another chapter to it, so after I'm done with this, I'll go and review that too. Just a few things to say before I get started: I'm a very nitpicky reviewer (product of an annoying perfectionist with OCD-like tendencies =P ), so don't be put off - I always find something to nitpick at (: I'm also quite an honest (sometimes harsh) reviewer, but I promise you I do it with the best intentions. So, all my comments/stuff that I've added in is in bold, so let's do this thing!! =D

SheepMonoxide wrote:Preface
He felt a warm, yet deadly breath on his bare and exposed neck, as a pair of soft lips touched him there. He grumbled something in his sleep, and turned over.

The lips were placed upon his neck once more,[replace with semi-colon] he wrinkled his nose, feeling uncomfortable with this new visitor.

He turned over once more,[delete comma] and suddenly [s]he[/s] hit the hard ground, bolting right [try and use another word here - maybe 'bolting upright' ?] up, staring around the dark room.

Screwing his eyes, he stood up, his legs wobbling, and stumbled to the light, flicking it on.[describe as the light floods up the room - what does he see and where is he? If he's in his bedroom, maybe you could describe the light burning his eyes (you know when it's really dark, then you turn a light on and it hurts your eyes? That's what I mean), and slowly his eyes refocus upon his unorganised bedroom - a pair of trainers he left hanging on the doorknob... There's a few pointers, so go ahead! Be inventive (: ]

He heard a hissing noise, and could have sworn he saw a flash of black. But nobody was there.

He felt as if the hiss was echoing across his room, or just repeating itself in his head.

He made his way to his bed, the light still on, and hugged his knees to his chest, yes it was childish to be scared, but hey, wouldn't you be? [I like this ending, but it's too direct for third person, so maybe saying directly 'wouldn't you be', maybe have 'wouldn't everyone be' or something like that... what do you think?]

Overall Thoughts
This was a great preface, yes it was pretty short, but I think the best prefaces are short ones, as they're designed to reel the reader in - which you definitely have!! You just need to add in a little description to this piece, otherwise great job!! I'm off to review the first chapter...
Keep writing!!
--Lucyy xx

I absolutely liked it!
Although it really was short, it's interesting and I keep wondering what those lips were, or who they belong to.
You have a great way of writing!

I agree with lucyy, the last part doesn't really fit. I'd suggest changing it to "but who wouldn't be?" or something like that.

Hope you keep on writing!
MySunshine

I really really like it.
You have a really nice writing style and after I've commented on this, I'm moving onto your next bit .

Er, the only thing I can find that I don't write that's not mentioned is:

He heard a hissing noise, and could have sworn he saw a flash of black.

How can you see a flash of black in, what I presume is, darkness?

Overall though, brilliant.

Overall, I enjoyed the piece. It has good potential and could use some work. The only thing I've caught that no one else has yet mentioned is for you to vary your sentence structures more. Most of your sentences are long and stretched out. Break some of them down into multiple sentences to help keep readers attention.