Was it wrong to love you ? Part 1

Well, the story begins in the house of Aiden Wright. A normal teenage boy, with an ordinary life. Well, moderately ordinary. Unless you counted that his mother was a single parent, and he had suspicions of her being a druggie. He was an only child, and had always wished for a bigger brother, but of course, it was too late for that

But any way, let us not converse about his dreary life (at the moment) and let’s return to our story;

"Aiden!”

He turned over in his bed.

"Aiden!!”

His eyelids fluttered open to his mother’s weary looking face; her eyes were droopy, her skin had a slight hint of yellow to it, and giant black bags were hanging under her bloodshot eyes. He loved her all the same. She was his only family.

He sat up, rubbing his eyes, and yawning widely.

"Morning." He smiled at her before she turned around, and stumbled from his room mumbling something about a visitor downstairs.

He sat up staring around his pig sty of a room, blinking twice and squinting his sleepy eyes, Aidan spotted a mysterious object hanging from the side of his working desk. Aiden made his way over to the thing and reached his hand out to seize it....

"Aiden you coming down or what?!" His mother’s voice screeched up the stairs. He twisted his head to the door, cupping his mouth and calling back to her.

"In a minute, Mum!" He looked at the working desk, wrinkling his nose, and blinked. It had vanished; nowhere to be seen.

"Seeing things now Aiden," he mumbled to himself.
* * * * *
Aiden made his way downstairs dressed in his normal attire of a pair of black, skin-tight jeans and a black jumper. How exciting. He yawned and rubbed his eyes. A pungent smell hit him in the face, nearly making him double over in revulsion. "I told her she can't cook." He sighed, shaking his head, and making his way to the kitchen.

But who he saw cooking was not his mother. Oh no. First off, it wasn't a woman, it was a man.
Aiden stared at the patch of black hair at the back of his head, and the shiny bald patch at the top. He couldn't really decipher what the exact height of this man was, unless he came up to him with a measuring tape. The man was wearing a greying suit and was whistling some stupid tune that Aiden hadn’t ever heard before.

Aiden sighed, another one of his mother’s clients?

"Ok, I don’t know how to say this kindly, but... Who the heck are you?!" Aiden blurted out.
The man spun around and smiled repulsively, revealing a row of yellow teeth.
"Hello, Aiden." His gruff voice replied, "I'm your father."

Aiden's eyes widened in disbelief. This couldn't be his father! The man who left his mum when he found out she was pregnant with his child? Aiden couldn't even look this man in the eye; forget speaking to him any further. Aiden shook his head, and turned on his heel.

"Oh, one thing," He started, "you better be out of here when I get home, or I'll call the police and tell them that you tried to abuse me." His "father’s" smile faded and formed into a look of shock,

"You wha’?"

"Can't understand English?" Aiden sighed and walked out of the house, leaving his father standing there, his mouth forming an "o", holding a butter knife mid air and one eyebrow raised.

Hi there, SheepMonoxide! (Love your username, by the way)
I shall be your critique of the day
Let's get started with the nitpicks first.

SheepMonoxide wrote:Well, the story begins in the house of Aiden Wright. A normal teenage boy, with a normal life. Well, moderately normal. Unless you counted that his mother was a single parent, and he had suspicions of her being a druggie. He was an only child, and had always wished for a bigger brother, but of course, it was too late for that.

But any way, let us not talk about his dreary life (at the moment) and let’s get back to our story:

So you're playing the part of narrator? Try to be more formal then, instead of sounding like you're conversing with your readers. But this is my advice. It is actually acceptable to write in the style you have written in. If this is an introduction, separate it properly so that we don't confuse it with being part of the story.

"AIDEN!"

He turned over in his bed.

"AIDEN!"

We encourage minimal CAPS lock in YWS. Remember that you can implement your bold and italics for emphasis and

His eyes fluttered open to his mothers tired looking face, her eyes were droopy, her skin had a slight tinge of yellow to it, and giant black bags were hanging under her bloodshot eyes.

Should it be his eyelids fluttered open? I think eyes are okay. From 'her eyes were droopy' onwards, make it a separate sentence from the front.

"Morning." He smiled at her before she turned around, and stumbled from his room.

What a strange reaction. You should explain his mother's queer behaviour.

He turned his head to the door, cupping his mouth, and calling back to her.

I don't think there should be a comma between 'mouth' & 'and'. But then again, you might want a second opinion. I'm terrible with punctuations.

"Seeing things now Aiden." He laughed to himself.

Awkwardly phrased. Maybe you could change it to something like:
"Seeing things now eh, Aiden?"
Something along that line because a comment phrased like that doesn't seem appropriate for someone laughing at himself.

A pair of black skin tight jeans, and a black jumper. How exciting. He yawned and rubbed his eyes. A pungent smell of bacon and eggs hit him in the face, nearly making him double over. "I told her she can't cook." He mumbled, shaking his head, and making his way to the kitchen.

I think it should be 'A pair of black, skin-tight jeans and a black jumper'. You said making him double over, but in what? Revulsion? Double over must be joined with an adjective to explain its verb use clearly. Also, I think you're comma-happy like me. There shouldn't be a comma between 'head' & 'and' in the last sentence.

But who he saw cooking was not his mother. Oh no. First off, it wasn't a woman. Yep, you guessed it, it was a man, you clever mortal. Aiden looked at the patch of black hair at the back of his head, and the shiny bald patch at the top. He stood at about 5"9' but he couldn't really decipher what the exact height of this man was, unless he came up to him with a measuring tape, which I am sure he wouldn't do. The man was wearing a graying suit. And was whistling some stupid tune that he had NEVER heard before.

Yup, you're definitely conversing with your readers. I find it weird, but others might find it passable. Is it your style of writing?
Anyway, remember your CAPS. 'Never' could be italicised instead of uppercased.

Aiden rolled his eyes, another one of mums 'clients'?
"Ok, I don’t know how to say this kindly, but... Who the fuck are you?!" Aiden blurted out.

The first sentence doesn't really support the 'loving' feeling you claimed that Aiden had for his mother. Another extremely important thing: You used the F-word, so this should immediately be given an 'R' rating. Oh, and did you know, Ok is short for Okay. Maybe you should make a habit of spelling it fully.

The man spun around, and smiled a sickening smile of yellow teeth.

Smile is repeated. Get rid of the redundancy. Try: The man spun around and smiled sickeningly, revealing a row of yellow teeth.

Aiden's eyes widened in shock. This couldn't be his father?! The man who left his mum when he found out she was pregnant with HIS child?! Aiden couldn't even look this man in the eye; forget speaking to him any further. Aiden shook his head, and turned his heel.

I found Aiden's reaction a tad unbelievable and irrational. But it could just be my strange thinking.

His "fathers" smile faded and formed into a look of shock,

"you wha’?"

Rephrase: His"father's" smile faded and turned into a look of shock.

"Can't understand English?" Aiden sighed, and walked out of the house. Leaving "the strange man" standing there, his mouth forming an "o", holding a butter knife mid air, an eyebrow raised.

No comma between 'sighed' & 'and'. His "father" suddenly became "the strange man"? There should be a hyphen in mid air. 'Mid-air'.

Overall:
It has potential, but you have to work on it.
It hasn't really revealed much yet, and is quite brief.
I shall not comment on chapter 1 because it was more of a message and I found it too peculiar to review.
You have a habit of putting comma between some word & 'and'.
Your vocabulary was fairly basic, and I think you could improve on that.
Simply putting it, you need to edit this and put more thought into it.
But it was not bad.
Also, remember what I said about the CAPS lock and your rating for this story.

~Have a nice day!

Ok thanks !! xD

I'm back again!! I hope both this & the other reviews help you out!! I haven't read the above review, so I apologise if I repeat anything...

SheepMonoxide wrote:"Aiden!”

He turned over in his bed.

"Aiden!!” [Why is this in bold? There really isn't any need for it to be, and it makes your work look less professional, so I would make it normal]

His eyelids fluttered open to his mother's weary looking face,[replace with colon] her eyes were droopy, her skin had a slight hint of yellow to it, and giant black bags were hanging under her bloodshot eyes. [Nice use of character description] [s]But[/s] He still loved her all the same. She was his only family.

He sat up, rubbing his eyes, and yawning widely.

"Morning." He smiled at her before she turned around, and stumbled from his room mumbling something about a visitor downstairs.

He sat up staring around his pig sty of a room, blinking twice, and then something caught his eye. Hanging from the side of his working desk [if you start a sentence with Hanging... you can't just trail off for ages before saying what it is he sees hanging - it ruins the flow of the sentence. So, let's rearrange this: Squinting his sleepy eyes, Aidan spotted a mysterious object hanging from the side of his working desk. Aiden made his way over to the thing [?] and reached his hand out to sieze it.... There we are! That flows a lot better now - I've still used the exact wonderful words you used - just swapped them around a little (: ], he squinted his sleepy eyes, and made his way towards this mysterious object. Reaching his hand out to seize it.

"Aiden you coming down or what?!" His mother’s voice screeched up the stairs.
[No need for a new paragraph>>]He twisted his head to the door, cupping his mouth and calling back to her.

"In a minute[comma] Mum!" He looked at the working desk, wrinkling his nose, and blinked,[I would put a full stop here to add extra impact to the next part>>] It had vanished; nowhere to be seen.
"Seeing things now Aiden.[replace with comma]" he mumbled to himself.

* * * * *

Aiden [Yay!! You've finally used his name instead of the pronoun - you need to make sure you don't overuse the pronoun during narrative, as it sticks out a little] made his way downstairs dressed in his normal attire of a pair of black, skin-tight jeans and a black jumper. How exciting. He yawned and rubbed his eyes. A pungent smell hit him in the face, nearly making him double over in revulsion. "I told her she can't cook.[replace with comma]" he mumbled [you've already used mumbled - try something else: muttered, sighed...], shaking his head, and making his way into the kitchen.

But who he saw cooking was not his mother. Oh no. First off, it wasn't even a woman. Yep, you guessed it [again, that kind of stuff only work if you're writing in the first person - addressing the reader directly whilst writing in the third person sounds slightly strange, so I would cut this], It was a man. [keep this - in a seperate sentence of its own - and then add in thoughts/feelings of your MC - what are his first reactions towards this male...?], [s]you intelligent mortal[/s].

[NP >>]Aiden stared at the patch of black hair at the back of his head, and the shiny bald patch at the top. He stood at about 5"9' but [s]he[/s] Aiden couldn't really decipher what the exact height of this man was [then why does your MC give an exact measurement of the man - the two don't blend together. Maybe you could say - He stood quite tall/short and then say that however Aoiden couldn't tell his exact height - that will link together better (: ], unless he came up to him with a measuring tape, which I am sure he wouldn't do [again, you are writing in third person, so you can't add in (as the main narrator) your thoughts, as it just doesn't sound right, so I would cut this].
[No need for NP>>]The man was wearing a graying suit [deleted full stop] and was whistling some stupid tune that [s]he[/s] Aiden hadn’t ever heard before.

[s]He[/s] Aiden [when there are two 'he's in one room, you need to say who's talking, sighing, moving etc, otherwise it gets a little confusing ] sighed,[replace with colon] was it another one of his mother’s clients?
"Ok, I don’t know how to say this kindly, but... Who the heck are you?!" Aiden blurted out.
The man spun around and smiled repulsively, revealing a row of yellow teeth.
"Hello[comma] Aiden." His gruff voice replied, "I'm your father."[Wow, major impact - great job!! I really didn't see that coming ]

Aiden's eyes widened in disbelief. This couldn't be his father? [No need for a question mark here, unless you swap the wording around to: How could this be his father?, otherwise you could maybe replace it with an exclamation mark instead?] The man who left his mum when he found out she was pregnant with his child? Aiden couldn't even look this man in the eye; forget speaking to him any further. Aiden shook his head, and turned on his heel.

"Oh, one thing," [s]He[/s] Aiden started, "you better be out of here when I get home, or I'll call the police and tell them that you tried to abuse me." His 'father’s' smile faded and formed into a look of shock,

"You wha’?"

"Can't understand English?" Aiden sighed and walked out of the house, leaving his father standing there, his mouth forming an "o", holding a butter knife mid air, and one [s]an [/s]eyebrow raised.

I didn't see that coming
Guess I was jumping to conclusions when I thought that Aiden's father was dead ...

Nice chapter again, but there are a few things you might want to change:

Well, the story begins in the house of Aiden Wright. A normal teenage boy, with an ordinary life. Well, moderately ordinary. Unless you counted that his mother was a single parent, and he had suspicions of her being a druggie. He was an only child, and had always wished for a bigger brother, but of course, it was too late for that

But any way, let us not converse about his dreary life (at the moment) and let’s return to our story:

I guess this is also some kind of an introduction of the narrator?
I don't know if you intended it, but in my opinion, it sounds a little too informal ...

Yep, you guessed it, it was a man, you intelligent mortal. Aiden stared at the patch of black hair at the back of his head, and the shiny bald patch at the top. He stood at about 5"9' but he couldn't really decipher what the exact height of this man was, unless he came up to him with a measuring tape, which I am sure he wouldn't do.

It's not clear - at least to me - whether it's a third-person narrator, and if it isn't who exactly tells us this story. Who's the "I"?

And lastly, I think the scene with Aiden and his father was a little too rushed. Of course, Aiden's reaction is understandable, but you might want to give us a little more insight on his thoughts. His inner conflict, for example, but that's just my opinion.

Looking forward to the next part
MySunshine