Flowery Fishbowl Poetry

Flowery Fishbowl Poetry

Caught within a dream,
repeating thoughts swirling around eddies
like a lost fish swimming in circles,
stuck in his fishbowl.

These ideas want to control me,
but I won’t let this cloud
of flowery romanticism catch me,
even though the side effects
of writing sappy poetry
in scripted handwriting
has already set in.

Then in a moment of lucidity
the poem is carefully and elegantly
scribbled out,
almost in regret of having to do so
but the idea is already there.

My efforts of avoiding these ideas
have been ruined
by writing them down once more.
This is the vicious cycle of a single lover
attempting to breathe underwater
alone.

Hey there Yoha! June here again!

I really liked this piece! It has a gentle elegance to it, and flowed smoothly. I like the imagery that dances in this poem-- it's beautiful.

However! I'm not too sure on the way it's put together, you know?

In the second line, when I read it, I accidentally said, "thoughts repeating." It seemed to flow more that way, but, that's just me. And then! As I looked over it again just now, I somehow saw "thoughts repeat," I'm probably just being overly obsessive on form, and it's up to you whether you want to change things or leave it .

In poetry, I don't like the usage of "these, then, this " and those type of words freely. If you drop them, it doesn't change much meaning in some places, does it? Be careful when you use those words, and read your finished piece to revise your poem, dear.


Also! A professor once told me, "When beginning a poem indirectly, without the usage of pronouns such as "I" or "My", it is wise not to add them in if the poem is abstract. If the poem is concrete (meaning that what is being spoken about can be touched, and felt) then it's okay to add them."


Now! I'm not trying to be mean or anything, but this poem does seem a bit flowery . That was probably your intention, hence the title, but in some places it seems like you were trying to be a little bit too intricate . Sometimes, simple is the best way to go.


Aside from all of my grammatical/structural/unnecessary nitpicks, this piece has a nice effect. It's an eye opener, and since it's not telling us outright what this is about, you leave us thinking about this.

This is the better type of abstract poetry. You did very well here, Yoha/Ahoy .

Brilliant! Keep it up! Your poems are very intriguing .

June