It is regrettably...

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Feel the drum beat,
bum bam bum,
feel the cannon flash,
bum bam bum,
feel the emptyness,
bum bam bum,
left by the damned,
bum bam bum.

Steel the young minds,
bum bam bum,
to the reality,
bum bam bum,
that their loved ones,
bum bam bum,
line the filthy streets,
bum bam bum.

Nothing shall remedy,
bum bam bum,
this awful state,
bum bam bum,
and yet we go on,
bum bam bum,
like its all so quaint,
bum bam bum.

The fathers are no more,
bum bam bum,
the mothers long gone,
bum bam bum,
siblings fed to flame,
bum bam bum,
the garrison lives on,
bum bam bum.

Heartless and lacking in humanity doth the warrior seem to all, but in the eyes of a faithful child the murderer becomes the savior till fall.

Rejoicing in morbid appreciation of skills that lead to lethal ends, traps are laid for the innocent, wicked the just and all good men.

And now we watch the lion approach.

In his fangs a child.

Grasping for life's beauty.

Never to be again.

In what world do the true gods lay?
In what God does mercy lay?
In what man does life remain?
In what death does victory claim?

In what death does victory claim?

IN WHAT DEATH DOES VICTORY CLAIM?
Last edited by Eraqio on Fri Mar 27, 2009 2:35 am, edited 1 time in total.
A story's not a story till you've made it up you see.
Look Mexico.




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Wow...
Good use of onomatopoeia's!

But, hmm, this rhyme scheme, or just the overall type of poem is so confusing!

You have thing jumping all around.

Like: Heartless and lacking in humanity doth the warrior seem to all, but in the eyes of a faithful child the murderer becomes the savior till fall.



Rejoicing in morbid appreciation of skills that lead to lethal ends, traps are laid for the innocent, wicked the just and all good men.



And now we watch the lion approach.



In his fangs a child.



Grasping for life's beauty.



Never to be again.



Why dont you close that all up?
Make it like:

Heartless and lacking in humanity doth the warrior seem to all, but in the eyes of a faithful child the murderer becomes the savior till fall.
Rejoicing in morbid appreciation of skills that lead to lethal ends, traps are laid for the innocent, wicked the just and all good men.

And now we watch the lion approach.
In his fangs a child.
Grasping for life's beauty.
Never to be again.

And after doing that, try to make the sentences the same length, if needed, make more stanzas using that.
I am sorry to pick this apart, but it is good, I promise you that.
Then I find,
I feel this passion grow,
To face all that's been lost,
It's not too late to give control now.
Got YWS?



'Tis the season to shovel enormous amounts of watermelon into your mouth while hunched over the cutting board like a dehydrated vampire that hasn't fed on blood in four hundred years and the only viable substitute is this questionable Christmas-colored fruit.
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