When it's too late (revised)

How many people do you know,
That go home and write a sucide note?
Who hope that one day they can take their own lives,
Who everyday have to live a lie,
Who know deep inside that they have to die,
Who wonder what it’s like on the other side.
How can you tell what goes on in their heads,
When they face the fact that they want to be dead?
Can you hear their clock tick in knowing peace?
Can you feel the dead heart and the luke-warm heat?
Do you know why their friends won’t admit defeat,
When they find their friend in a crumpled up heap?
How can you say you played no part,
When all this time you never even gave them a start?
They try not remember everything you say,
And lay in bed every night, dreading to replay
What mean things you whispered during the day.
And now you can’t even ask them to stay.


I'm not the best at grammer so please help me out here

Overall, I think this was a good poem. It does need some editing though. Here are my critiques:

Who hope that one day they can take their own lives

Who everyday have to live a lie

Who know deep inside that they have to die

Who wonder what it’s like on the other side

This part seems to go on far too long. I may not be correct in saying this, but I think that you should add commas after the first three lines and a period after "side" at the end of the fourth line.

Or what they think when they know their already dead?

For some reason, this particular line seems quite wordy. Try rephrasing.

Can you hear their clock tick in knowing peace

Add a question mark to the end after "peace".

Can you feel the dead heart and the luke-warm heat

Add question mark to the end after "heat".

When they find their friend in a crumpled up heap

Add a question mark after "heap".

And laid in bed every night, dreading to replay

Do you mean "lay" instead of "laid"? Tense agreement is important. You are using present tense elsewhere but not here.

And now you can’t even ask them to stay

Add question mark after "stay".

- - - - - - - - - - --

Helpful Hint: In poetry, after every line usually a comma is added when no other punctuation mark seems to fit.

This piece was very good. My final advice is to look over the last four lines, as they are quite confusing to the reader.

I look forward to reading the rest of your work.

PM me with any questions: I'm always willing to help!

-dd9