oh man!!! i really wanted to read that chapter lol...
this story is great! I love it. lol it was funny when she saw that his zipper was undone lol.
one day in school one of my teachers flys was undone and so this dude, zac, said 'hey sir, you're fly is undone.' and my teacher looked down and was like 'oh is it. it is too!' it was FUNNY! lol
yeah so you have to put the next chapter up for me to read lol it's awesome lol.
pm me when the its up. lol
kiwi
ps.. could you check out one of my stories... My Guardian Angel or The Crystal Chronicles/The Campbell Orphans
thanks.
SHOOT FOR THE MOON AND IF YOU MISS YOU'LL LAND AMONGST THE STARS!!!!
Maybe it would have more impact if we knew the girl in the blue silk shirt? Mention her sometime earlier in the story, maybe even in passing. She could walk past and wink at Aiden, or something. This would tie up the story a little nicer, but good lord, you've done well.
...This critique is pathetically short, I can't think of anything else to add. Maybe a little more description, how did the room smell? How did Aiden's shirt feel against mystery girl's skin? You don't need too much, as then it might become a little overboard, but a nod at these two senses may be a good thing.
I'm going to go sulk now. Poor Georgia.
*gold star*
-Nutty
It's not easy having a good time. Even smiling makes my face ache.
Wow. This is short, and, to my disappointment, I have no nitpicks. Good/bad, because I can't feel helpful.
First of all: is this the end? It's the end for your class, I know, but are you planning on expanding it as a story on its own? I think it would be okay either way; this is a good ending if you chose to leave it, but the plot can easily be heightened, expanded, and turned into a full-blown novel. I'm going to get right down to the think of things now. brace yourself.
PLOT: So far, it revolves around Aiden. I've said this before, but I'll say it again-- add something else. Yo'ure on the right track with going to NY and leaving him, and you're ever so close to perfection with Victoria's whirl-wind of boyfriends, I suggest throwing in a father (gone or otherwise), some other friends (best friends would be nice). Otherwise, you've got an interesting look into a girl's love live in relation with her future.
CHARACTERS: Awesome. They're all great, except for one problem, which is probably getting old for you: there aren't enough of them. Add more. Then, that problem's gone.
SETTING: I feel obliged to say this only because it's an important elemant in stories. There's nothing wrong with not really having a setting, and I don't suggest trying to cram one into it. So, ignore this. Setting not needed.
DESCRIPTION: You have quite a style of writing, with flowing phrases and perfectly-placed words. You could cram more description in there, though-- what does his car look like? We never even got a full picture of Aiden. How does Melanie, a possible threat, look to Georgia? You can add lots of description in lots of places, I'm sure. no need to overdo it, but a little wouldn't hurt.
ATMOSPHERE: This is the style of writing, I guess, which I've already said is wonderful. You can add a bit more air of conflict, I suppose, but there's no real problem here. You have a lovely technique. I probably spelled that wrong.
EMOTION: You can add more. This is sort of the same as conflict, and there can never be too much. But, all in all, your emotion is good. Just heighten her feelings at the party, her indecision about the future, her feelings towards her mother...it can all be brought up a notch. Teen girls can throw things out of proportion at make a huge deal out of nothing. Show some of that.
Lovely, dear. I hope I was helpful. You really are talented, and you'd better get an A+ for this class, or I'll have to give the teacher a piece of my mind.
~Evi
"Let's eat, Grandma!" as opposed to "Let's eat Grandma!": punctuation saves lives.
1) We all so much expected and wanted her and Aiden to become a couple. It seemed so lovely and perfect and right. But it also seemed easy. You perfectly lulled us into the idea of it being easy, had us hoping, just like Georgia hoped. You let us into her head and spread her hormones around pretty well, I must say.
2) It's realistic. The way you've executed the entire thing makes it a story that could have happened to any of us. The fluffy version could have, too, but this one leaves us with a lot of conflict and emotions in the end, you really captured the essence of the moment.
3) Your characters are wonderful. I love George, absolutely and Aiden is great, too, although I'm furious at him right now. Stupid boy.
I do have one miniature thing to critique though:
I think you could put a little more emotion and heat into the scene with Aiden and Blue-Silk-Skirt-Girl. You mention adrenaline and all, but I think you could go just a litle bit further there.
Other than that I'm just sad there's no fluff. *sits with Nutty and sulks* You can always expand though, haha. Have Georgia be all cut up and then have them fight and not talk to each other and then have him miss her and ... You could go far with the conflict you've set up, but you could also leave it this way. You've got lovely story.
And now I'm going off to punch Aiden.
All the best,
~Kalliope
If you don't know where you are going, any road will take you there. - Lewis Carol (1832-98 )
You have satisfied your audience. Not just satisfied them, you disappointedly satisfied them. We were urging for more conflict-- you gave it, and we wanted them to become an item.
Yet, you as the author who has the power to go against your audience's wishes, did not give that to us. You disappointed us, not only by not making them an item, but by making this so short! I'm disappointed!
But! All at the same time, we are satisfied.
You wrote this story perfectly. You gracefully opened it, and carried on, defining the characters as you went, feeding us the drama that we were longing for, and then you gracefully closed it. Well done, my friend. You really held my interest throughout the story.
And, this is sad! Throughout the story we can really relate to Aiden and Georgia, so we feel Georgia's pain at the end; we know what Aiden is feeling. The setting is perfect here; I don't know if you could've done a better job, dear.
Previously, all is focused on Aiden and Georgia. Here, it's focused on someone new; a character we know very little about. We don't know who she is, what she's like and such-- and that makes it all the more interesting.
Hannah, you did an incredible job with this story. I rate it a perfect 10/10.
My apologies for not being able to offer any constructive criticism so far. It's beyond me to be able to do that on something so well writ.
I hope you consider taking your writing far with you throughout life. I'm sure you'll be a successful author .
June
P.S Thanks for the read! I really, really enjoyed it!
"I'd steal somebody's purse if I could google it and then download it." -- Firestarter
Good/bad, because I can't feel helpful.
