For The Dreaming

ok so this is the lyrics i made up after a song my friend ryan created on his guitar. He came up with the name and the notes but I did the words!!!I'm dedicating this one to my love Mike cuz that's all that was on my mind when I wrote this Huzahh!

enjoy---------------

Put you arms around me
Tell me how this feels
And is this right
Oh is this real

chorus
Tell me if I'm dreaming
Tell me this is true
Don't wake me up
It's me and you
end chorus

And it feels like tomorrow
The sunshine on your face
And it feels like tomorrow
Still here in your embrace

chorus
Tell me if I'm dreaming
Tell me this is true
Don't wake me up
It's me and you
end chorus

And I'll take away your sorrow
Fight the fears in your head
Stay with you forever
That's a promise I have said

Put your arms around me
Tell me how this feels
Is this right
Oh is this real

chorus
Tell me if I'm dreaming
Tell me this is true
Don't wake me up
It's me and you
end chorus

Hey there,

I'm glad you're happy about the song you wrote, that's the most important thing. You have great flow here and I'm sure it goes wonderfully with the music.

What I noticed was that this is, even for a song, very repetitive. Maybe you should try to bring in a little more story and a little less repetition of the same images. Generally your lines are very short, so to vary between them more would definitely not hurt.

Also maybe you could connect your lines to each other more. There's a connection between their contents, of course, but maybe you could express this connection formally as well in some places.

Put your arms around me
Tell me how this feels
Is this right
Oh is this real

Here what I immediately thought was that you could do so much describing the feeling of being in his arms. Or go into the conflict of why you don't know whether it's right or real. (Your title suggests that it is not real, so is it? Is it all in the narrator's dreams or is it a dream come true?)

This may sound like a lot of criticizing, but actually your song just gave me a lot of ideas how I think you could expand this and make it extremely awesome. It's alright the way it is, but if you would go into the different ideas you have and the different images somewhat deeper this could be grand. Exciting, maybe you'll want to write another version of this just for fun!

Keep writing, you've got a good feeling for flow and some great ideas!

All the best,
~Kalliope

I really like this, I like the rhyme scheme, it flows well. My only problem was this verse;

Ms.DreamingOfTheMissed wrote:ok so this is the lyrics i made up after a song my friend ryan created on his guitar. He came up with the name and the notes but I did the words!!! Huzahh!

And I'll take away your sorrow
Fight the fears in your head
Stay with you forever
Until I lay down to rest

end chorus

It kind of messes up the lovely flow and rhythm you created before it, just try and switch up a few words and continue the same rhyme scheme you started before hand.

Maybe change the last line to
"Until I lay down dead"


Its up to you
Well done.

hey thanks for the advice I fixed that verse a little differently.
I totally didn't notice that it didn't rhyme while writing it

I think it's very nice. I just don't see a lot of personality behind it, I don't see a lot of emotion. Anyone could have written this. Maybe you should also work on transitioning between words, it seems a little bit stiff.