Remember?

Remember when you said you loved me,
Erinnern when you said you cared?
Recuerda when you said it would always be,
You’d share the burdens I have bared?

And then do you perhaps recall,
With every step, twist and turn,
You slowly massacred it all,
Obliterated the trust you tried to earn,

Carved my heart into morsels bite-size,
My soul marinated in sickly dejection,
My mind still fixated on the final prize,
And yet all I feel is your icy rejection.

But I’ve still yet to hate you,
To loathe you to the core of your selfish existence.
After all the things I’ve seen you do,
I still can’t even feign hate in this instance.

Because bitter, twisted, selfish, whore!
I adore you so it hurts my soul,
And that makes me hate me all the more,
Because of you I’ll never be whole,

Still I have you to thank,
For all the ardent whispers of false feelings,
A momentary reprieve from the dark and the dank,
A chance to attempt a little healing.

__

Hi Hotaro, it's Jon! (Zero reviews and about to go off the page )

Remember when you said you loved me?

Remember when you said you cared,

Remember when you said it would always be?

You’d share the burdens I have bared,

Put a comma at the end of the first line and a question mark after the second line. do the same for the third and forth. . The repitition of 'Remeber' gets a little annoying, try words like, 'Recall' or something liike that? Have you thought of using a different language? 'Recuerda'? It would make the poem unique! (Just a thought)

And then do you perhaps recall,

Try: 'Then you might recall' (Suggestion.)

You slowly massacred it all,

Loved this line! Great job!

Carved my heart into morsels bite-size,

This line is rough. I would suggest taking out 'Bite-size' but then the rhyme scheme would be off. Cut out the 'bite size' and leave morsel and find a word that you can put in the third line of this stanza. Or change the beginning words and have 'bite-sized fit in more nicely.

My soul marinated in sickly dejection,

Love it!

My mind still fixated on you the final prize,

Get rid of 'you', it would make the line sound better and make it flow better.

And still all I feel is your nonchalant rejection,

Get rid of 'nonchalant' is weighs the poem down. It is un-needed really.

Yet to loathe you to the core of your selfish existence,

Period at the end.

I still can’t even feign hate in this instance,

Period at the end.

Because, bitter twisted selfish whore,

Commas in between the words, "Because bitter, twisted, selfish, whore!" Exclamation would be better.

Still you I have to thank,

'Still, I have you to thank' would sound mch better and it means the same thing.

For all the ardent whispers of false feelings,

You have more than one feeling. so 'Feelings.'



You have some work to do, you can do it!


It was my pleasure,


---Jon---

Thank you! ^^ I was beginning to worry no one was going to review. xD

this is a very good poem. I'm glad you took the repition out. this poem was great in the fact that almost everyone does remember feeling like that at one point and then changing there mind. I said almost everyone right? Well it's good to see that I'm not the only one that veiws that people should pick there words with care. never say I love you if you don't mean it I mean really it could hurt someone.

To be honest, this was messy. I got lost, I was confused, and I just really did not know what was going on.I also think that the beginning, the words seem a little forced. The rhyming is really forced. I agree with the others, pick your words with care. You can't just throw rhymes together. Words are delicate objects. If you take the time to choose each word carefully, then they will combine finely. I think you should go about this "idea" another way.

To be honest, this was messy. I got lost, I was confused, and I just really did not know what was going on.I also think that the beginning, the words seem a little forced. The rhyming is really forced. I agree with the others, pick your words with care. You can't just throw rhymes together. Words are delicate objects. If you take the time to choose each word carefully, then they will combine finely. I think you should go about this "idea" another way.

Thanks for reviewing. =]

I'm sorry you got lost. It makes sense to me, and for me that's all that really matters. If someone else likes it, yay, but if not, oh well. Oh, and I have to say, writing things like "this", very patronizing.

Wow, that was really nice.

I didn't like the part when you said "whore", but besides that, it's just lovely.

I finally beginning to understand what my best guy friend was feeling when the "love of his life" (yeah right, I'm so much better for him than she'll ever be!) broke up with him

He was freakin mad, but also very sad, he didn't eat for 3 days, or sleep, he just stared at the wall for three days straight. But he didn't hate her. (though I kind of do)

Very nice, keep up the good work!

tori1234 wrote:Wow, that was really nice.

I didn't like the part when you said "whore", but besides that, it's just lovely.

I finally beginning to understand what my best guy friend was feeling when the "love of his life" (yeah right, I'm so much better for him than she'll ever be!) broke up with him

He was freakin mad, but also very sad, he didn't eat for 3 days, or sleep, he just stared at the wall for three days straight. But he didn't hate her. (though I kind of do)

Very nice, keep up the good work!

Thank you. =] Your poor friend. the points in that poem - and many more reasons - are why I feel such deep sympathy for anyone who dates girls. xD *sighs* Can't live with 'em, can't live without 'em. *sighs*. Not that I know what guys are like. xD The grass is always greener, eh?