Don't Touch Me-Chapter One

I twirled my pencil. Only thirty minutes and I'd be home. More importantly, away from this prison called 'High School'. I started absentmindedly singing Big City Dreams. Not loudly. Just soft enough that Mr. Peterson wouldn't hear me.

A couple kids looked to the back. I rolled my eyes and venomously mouthed 'What?' My looks were so powerful that everyone looked to the front again. 'Cept for one bronze haired guy. He was looking straight at my breasts. Directly.

So he thinks he can look at my tits and get away with it, I thought. We'll see about that.
I made Mr. Peterson turn around and stare at the guy.

"Jason..." So that was the kid's name. Jerk. "Ms. Kaylee is not an item that needs inspecting. You can face me now." That got some snickers from a couple kids. Jason was seriously embarrassed. Only I could notice though. A regular person would think he was annoyed, but fine.

I guess I'm kinda leaving you out in the dark, huh? Well, long story short, I belong on another planet(kinda weird, but true). I didn't have the right powers. The powers I have are...control over anyone or anything. I can tell when someone lies. I can walk at high speeds, but I can't run half as fast as I can walk. I can sense feelings. And I can be around flames. Not in them, just around them. Well, everyone can do that, right? Not where I'm from.

They banished me and a couple others as soon as they found out we weren't like them. The Old Ones won't let anything unique go around. Now, we're stuck here. We could leave, go to another planet, but that's a lot of trouble. We'd just rather stay here and move around. I'm not a wizard or anything. Just...not normal.

The bell rang. I quickly packed up my books and left. I got to my locker and put my books inside. Slamming it shut, I shrieked. "Shit!" It was The Idiot. Otherwise known as Jason.

"Scare ya?" He asked, clearly delighted.

"Yes. Who wouldn't be scared by your face?" I asked coldly. He frowned.

"That's not a good way to treat someone like me, you know." He sucked his teeth.

"Sorry, but that's my standards for perverts." I hissed.

"I was going to apologize for that!" No he wasn't, I thought. He was going to ask me out.

"Because your that kind of person, aren't you?" I said sweetly. He smiled. He thought he was going to get what he wanted.

"Exactly." I saw a lean, chesty blond behind Jason. So that was Chelsea. I overheard she and him were an item and had been doing some naughty stuff for a while. Someone else said Jason didn't even like her. Just wanted to 'get into her pants'?
"So, Kaylee, you wan-" He started.

"I got to go, Jason. Your whore is here." I turned around, feeling Jason's shock and Chelsea's anger. I was satisfied that I had finally completed my quest for revenge.

Unfortunately, if I didn't leave quickly, there would be a serious problem on campus.

_______________________________________________________

"I'm back!!!" I called into the house. One of the few from my planet, Kira, was pacing through the hall, becoming a blur.

"Kira, what's going on?" I asked pulling my arms into the blur and grabbing her.

"Hm? What? Oh-er-I-uh..." She was looking everywhere but at me.

"Kira. You always pace when some thing's wrong. Whats. Going. On?"

"I have no idea, really! Stop questioning me! I'm not mean. I don't have anything to do with it!" Kira started sobbing in my arms. Unfortunately, she was a tad bit emotional.

I set her down on the couch in the living room and went to see Lance.

"Lance?" I knocked on the door of his room/study.

"Come in." He replied. I strode up to him and planted my hands on his desk.

"What's going on?!" I repeated, this time fierce.

"Nothing. Nothing at all." He looked through his papers. I sighed. He always messed with his papers when something was wrong.

"You guys are really predictable. Something is the matter. Kira was pacing, and now she's crying on the couch."

"Oh. I thought Lise was killing a chicken..." He muttered.

"And your ruffling through your papers. Tell me whats wrong."

He looked up at me. Taking my hand, he told me four words.

"My parents are coming."

This is good writing only a few comments.

"Jason..." So that was the kid's name. Jerk. "Ms. Kaylee is not an item that needs inspecting. You can face me now." That got some snickers from a couple kids. Jared was seriously embarrassed. Only I could notice though. A regular person would think he was annoyed, but fine.

His name changes form Jason to Jarred

.

.
"I got to go, Jason. Your whore is here." I turned around, feeling Jason's shock and Chelsea's anger.

If I didn't leave quickly, there would be a serious problem on campus.

Why is she so angry at him. Explain a little more on her thoughts on him

I set her down on the couch in the living room and went to see Lance.

"Lance?" I knocked on the door of his room/study.

I'm guessing these are her siblings. Don't assume though act as if your reader are stupid. You have to make it clear who they are from the start.




"They're coming."[/quote]


Who's coming. That saying is a bit overused. Try making it more unique Like It's them which isn't particualry that great either, but I can't think of anything myself. It is a useful cliffhanger and it does make you want to read more. Keep up the good work

I thought I mentioned there were a few others....Guess not. Well. I'll change it a bit. But you liked it? Should I continue?

Hey that was pretty good, maybe you could elaborate just a little more on who some of the people are. But other then that it was good! Keep it up.

Hey Aubree!

My immediate problem with this story is the awful snootyness of the narrator. xD She's such a snot! Does she have a reason for this, or is it "just the way she is"?

The first thing about Miz Snooty (I'm not recalling a name yet. By chapter two I should have it) is how we quickly we are introduced into Her Universe. There is no exposition, no transition from me to her.

And then I wonder, what's your target audiences? Girls angry enough to sympathize with Her Snootyness don't usually read a lot, and the blatant amount of 'tude is enough to put off anyone else. What are you intending to do with this? It just doesn't make sense from a nonattached point of view.

Onto the actual review.

I twirled my pencil. Only thirty minutes and I'd be home. More importantly, away from this prison called 'High School'.

Not that I'm disagreeing with this statement, but it's rough and snooty, and what I was talking about when I referred to me-to-her. Why is it a prison? Is she bored? What could she be doing otherwise? Is she doodling? Staring out the window? Et cetera.

I started absentmindedly singing Big City Dreams. [s]Not loudly.[/s] Just soft enough that Mr. Peterson wouldn't hear me.

Italics and strikeouts by myself. I would also combine the two sentences like "...Big City Dreams, just soft enough..."

A dozen kids looked to the back. I rolled my eyes and venomously mouthed 'What?' My looks were so powerful that everyone looked to the front again.

I would use "a few" rather than "a dozen", just because a dozen tends to be about a third of a class. It would be inevitable for Mr. Peterson to notice, then.

Now, the "my looks" sentence sounds really, really egotistical and mean and all sorts of negative things about your character. So far, I hate your protagonist and it's not even the second paragraph! That's not a good way to start off the story.

'Cept for one bronze haired guy. He was looking at my shoes and working his way up.

Alarm bells are going off because of "bronze haired." Eddy Cullen, much?

I made Mr. Peterson turn around and stare at the guy.

How?

"Jason..." So that was the kid's name. Jerk. "Ms. Kaylee is not an item that needs inspecting. You can face me now."

I'm not sure what time period this is set in, but as far as I know, it's pretty uncommon for teachers to use "miss" or "mister" when referring to students anymore. All of my teachers call me by my first name or my last name. Also, if this is one of Mr. Peterson's quirks, the correct form of "miss" would be just "miss." "Ms." is reserved for unmarried women above the age of twenty, I believe.

That got some snickers from a couple kids. [s]Jason was seriously embarrassed.[/s] [s]Only I could notice though.[/s] A regular person would think he was annoyed, but [s]fine.[/s] (he seemed embarrassed to me.)

More "omg I'm so much better than anyone else." This is pretty usual teenager crap, but I'm already sick of it.

I guess I'm kinda leaving you out in the dark, huh? Well, long story short, I belong on another planet(kinda weird, but true). I didn't have the right powers. The powers I have are...control over anyone or anything. I can tell when someone lies. I can walk at high speeds, but I can't run half as fast as I can walk. I can sense feelings. And I can be around flames. Well, everyone can do that, right? Not where I'm from.

Infodump! That's no fun. Try to disperse the information more evenly.
Besides that, this just adds to the feeling of "omg I'm so much better than anyone else", except there's this jazz about other planets as well.

Also, I'd much rather here more info about the general beings from other planets than this chick's personal repertoire of abilities.

They banished me and a couple others as soon as they found out we weren't like them. Now, we're stuck here. We could leave, go to another planet, but that's a lot of trouble. We'd just rather stay here and move around. I'm not a wizard or anything. Just...not normal.

This is highly impractical. Do you know how much it costs to send one pound of material into space? It goes into the thousands of dollars. Then add that to the fuel costs it must take to get a person (100-300 lbs) from one planet to another, it's just not worth it. I would kill them rather than go to all that trouble.

This is just my personal take on the theory, but I would have her a criminal in a ring of criminals, and she stole the ship and fuel and such. It would give her a reason to be so cocky, you know? She knows what she's doing.

This "normal but with special abilities" stuff is reminding me uncomfortably of Twilight again.

The bell rang. I quickly packed up my books and left. I got to my locker and put my books inside. Slamming it shut, I shrieked. "Shit!" It was The Idiot. Otherwise [s]none[/s]known as Jason.

If she's really so eager to get out of there, she would be already packed. Speaking as someone who hangs on bells, I mean. :*cough*:

Also, the exclamation "Shit!" is a pretty nasty way to great anyone. I mean, if she had a motive to hate him, I would let it slide, but that's just uncalled for. xD PLUS she was shrieking. You are just determined to have the reader hate this character, aren't you?

Show and don't tell. Did she run out, saunter out, exchange smirks with anyone in the vicinity, what?

*Did she not take any books out? Does she hurry, stumble over her lock, what?

"Scare ya?" [s]H[/s]he asked, clearly delighted.

"Yes. Who wouldn't be scared by your face?" I asked [s]coldly[/s]. He frowned.

Ooh, so he was trying to scare her. You didn't really do a good job of explaining that. XD

Ew, unneeded adverb. I would say something about her facial expression.

Don't capitalize dialogue tags. ^_^

That's not a good way to treat someone like me, you know." He sucked his teeth.

"Sorry, but that's my standards for perverts." [s]I hissed.[/s]

"I was going to apologize for that!" No he wasn't, I thought. He was going to ask me out.

Ye gods, Jason's full of himself, too.
Don't be afraid of "said." Ideally, you should use it more than you use other verbs. Otherwise they tend to distract from the actual dialogue.

The bolded part reveals a tense slip... I think you could start italicizing thoughts? It might help.

Also, she treats him like dirt and then she thinks he's going to ask her out? O_O Hon, I don't think that works in the real world, even in high school.

"Because [s]your[/s] you're that kind of person, aren't you?" I said sweetly. He smiled. He thought he was going to get what he wanted.

"Exactly." I saw a lean, chesty blond behind Jason. So that was Chelsea. I overheard she and him were an item and had been doing some naughty stuff for a while. Someone else said Jason didn't even like her. Just wanted to 'get into her pants'?

For starters: skinny people don't get big boobs. Sorry, it's a fact of life. If you want the cleavage, you have to have some chub. And chub is healthy. So.

So Her Snootyness is a gossip queen? Interesting.

And what's with the question mark? (?)

"So, Kaylee, you wan-" he started.

"I got to go, Jason. Your whore is here." I turned around, feeling Jason's shock and Chelsea's anger. I was satisfied that I had finally completed my quest for revenge.

But if I didn't leave quickly, there would be a serious problem on campus.

Kaylee. Kaylee. Her Snootyness. Er. Snoot.

"I've" got to go.

Sheez! What on earth did this poor guy do to her? Snoot is a really unstable character. And I still hate her.

Why would there be a problem?

"I'm back![s]!![/s]" I called into the house. One of the few from my planet, Kira, was pacing through the hall, [s]becoming[/s] a blur.

"Kira, what's going on?" I asked pulling my arms into the blur and grabbing her.

"Hm? What? Oh-er-I-uh..." She was looking everywhere but at me.

Pushing. Pulling and pushing are the two types of force, and they're very different verbs.

Why do they have earth names? I understand that Snoot does, because she's apparently enrolled in high school, but you'd think they'd use their actual names in the privacy of their own house.

"Kira. You always pace when some thing's wrong. What's. Going. On?"

"I have no idea, really! Stop questioning me! I'm not mean. I don't have anything to do with it!" Kira started sobbing in my arms. [s]Unfortunately, she was a tad bit emotional.[/s]

I set her down on the couch in the living room and went to see Lance.

Lulz. I would just carry her with me. Would you leave a friend like that?

"Lance?" I knocked on the door of his room/study.

"Come in." He replied. I strode up to him and planted my hands on his desk.

"What's going on?!"[s] I repeated, this time fierce.[/s]

"Nothing. Nothing at all." He looked through his papers. I sighed. He always messed with his papers when something was wrong.

Pick one or the other, please. Don't capitalize dialogue tags.
Also, either an exclamation point or a question mark. You can't shove one up against the other. :*whispers*: They don't like that.

"Nothing. Nothing at all." He looked through his papers. I sighed. He always messed with his papers when something was wrong.

"You guys are really predictable. Something is the matter. Kira was pacing, and now she's crying on the couch."

"Oh. I thought Lise was killing a chicken..." He muttered.

"And your ruffling through your papers. Tell me whats wrong."

Oh ho ho, she's so observant. You need to work on redundancy -- there's a lot of it in your writing. Variety is the spice of life and writing.

Anyway, I have to go soon, so! Key points!

Work on making Kaylee likeable. Right now I really, really dislike her.

Work on making your other characters likeable. Give them some backbone -- Kaylee is basically owning the world right now.

Work on fleshing out what's going on a little bit more. You're leaving out just enough that I'm confused.

PM me when you update or have any questions on my review.

~Sumi

Hi! I think that you did a pretty good job with the story, but it's a bit confusing at times.

I made Mr. Peterson turn around and stare at the guy.

How did she *make* Mr. Peterson turn around? Is that one of her powers? I would explain a bit more.

"Jason..." So that was the kid's name. Jerk. "Ms. Kaylee is not an item that needs inspecting. You can face me now." That got some snickers from a couple kids. Jason was seriously embarrassed. Only I could notice though. A regular person would think he was annoyed, but fine.

Okay, so right here it seems like she doesn't know who Jason is, but here:

"Exactly." I saw a lean, chesty blond behind Jason. So that was Chelsea. I overheard she and him were an item and had been doing some naughty stuff for a while. Someone else said Jason didn't even like her. Just wanted to 'get into her pants'?

...it sort of seems as if she knows a lot about Jason. How?

"I got to go, Jason. Your whore is here." I turned around, feeling Jason's shock and Chelsea's anger. I was satisfied that I had finally completed my quest for revenge.

Also, in the quote above, it says something about a 'quest for revenge'. What's she talking about? I would explain that a bit more also.

All in all, it's a pretty good start, you just need to expand a bit more on a few key points. I'm looking forward to seeing more of this story! Good luck.

hey there. that was pretty interesting. I liked how the protagonist is so acidic to people. It gives her personality some flavor. I would like to know what she looks like though, so maybe a description? Also, I'd like to know more about her planet. All it says is that she's different and so she was sent away to Earth? If that's even where she is, because if she's able to blend in with humans, she must be somewhat human herself? or is she on another planet that is slightly different from Earth? Apparently her powers are normal? I'm a little confused. And be around flames...what does that mean? Can she literally sit in flames without burning, or does everyone else from her home planet have a weakness to flames? Maybe you should elaborate a bit.

And also, why would she be mad that Jason was looking at her shoes? Chest maybe, but not shoes.

Anyways, this had a good idea and you should definatley keep writing.