I Love You, Lame-o

Tell me what you think, I'm not much of a poet so I'd like some feedback!

The party was loud.
My head was silent.
The faces were unfamiliar
But when you walked in
I became vibrant.

We had a good time, you and I.
Played some games, had a ball
But what did we conclude,
At the end of it all?

Is it really love?
Could it be true?
Is it just this far off fantasy
That I've adapted to you?

I give your hair a ruffle
And your arms a squeeze,
Am I being too friendly?
Too near?
Too far?
Will I ever please?

But please who?
Is yet again the question.
Are you really the one
Who's gotten me weak at the knees
Or is it just my mind
Having a tease?

You don’t make me laugh
You don’t make me cry
You aren’t funny
You're just lame
Yet no one else
Is quite the same.

Your face
It doesn’t make me swoon.
Your body
It doesn’t make me blush.
Still, for some reason
Only you can give me such a rush.

That time we watched West Side Story
“It’s when I don’t look that I feel something”
Never seemed so true.
I think, somehow
my heart has fallen
in love with you.

I really like the idea behind this poem! It's good to finally have an unperfect person, instead of a perfect Mary Sue kind of man.

Though the idea is great, you could make your details with a bit more life. For example:

The party was loud.
My head was silent.
The faces were unfamiliar
But when you walked in
I became vibrant.

What kind of loud is it? Can you describe that more, so we feel like we're at the party too? And why is your head so silent? And, why on earth are you at a party where you know no one? Really, that's a good question to ask. What did you feel like while you were "vibrant"? Instead of just telling us what you were, can you show us? Did your fingers feel tingly and you felt like you were going to be sick, or were you laughing a lot?

Even though you're talking about how this person has nothing good there still must be something for why you like them so much, and I feel left in the dark because you only talk about what they don't have. If they have nothing, how could you like them at all? As it is, they sound pretty boring! (Or was this the point?) I'm mostly left asking this when you say that "Only you can give me such a rush." Why do they give you a rush, and for that matter, what does the rush feel like? Pretend your reader has no idea what love is or what it feels like. Can you make me feel what you're feeling?

I sort of like the last stanza most because it is more poetic than the others, in my mind. The ending, however, isn't that great. It's real plain to say that your heart has fallen in love. Can you make it more unique? And, of course like I've been saying, show don't tell about it!

Overall try to show instead of tell, and make it more unique to you and to the reader. Can you make us experience what you are? The rhyme scheme isn't that bad but it may be keeping you from doing your best, so if you want, ditch it! Free verse is fun.

If you have any questions feel free to message me. Best of luck!

I loved the concept. I hate how love is usually depicted as this supernatural thing that no one can obtain in the real world, but you made the feeling very real and down-to-earth. I do think that you should expand on the poem a little though. Hmmm. You could give more background to the party and more description of feeling when lame-o is/isn't around. Good luck!

I love this. I seriously love it. I love the fact that your guy isn't a perfect prince of a person (like the ones in my poems usually are) and that he can be imperfect and you still love him. It's a really original and beautiful concept for a poem, and so down-to earth.

I'll say what I hate hearing: expand. I'd love to hear more, about the girl, about him, about the party... I'd love it if you used all five senses in depth.

I think this is a really great poem, and it's great as it is, but it would be even better with more detail.

Again, I love it, great work, and keep writing poetry! You rock at it!

-Elise

Thank you all for your reviews! I've edited it a little bit, but I think I've got to really do some work to add in more sensory details. Thanks again for your time and advice!

ok it was great
but a bit catchy



but i think it would be better if
it had more explaining

and more
comas

and it would have been great if you
rhymed the words
because almost every word doesn't rhyme
with other ones

The party was loud.
My head was silent.
The faces were unfamiliar,
But when you walked in
I became vibrant.

We had a good time, you and I.
Played some games, had a ball,
But what did we conclude,
At the end of it all?

I give your hair a ruffle,
And your arms a squeeze,
Am I being too friendly?
Too near?
Too far?
Will I ever please?

But please who?
Is yet again the question.
Are you really the one,
Who's gotten me weak at the knees
Or is it just my mind,
Having a tease?

You don’t make me laugh,
You don’t make me cry,
You aren’t funny,
You're just lame
Yet no one else
Is quite the same.

Your face,
It doesn’t make me swoon.
Your body,
It doesn’t make me blush.
Still, for some reason
Only you can give me such a rush.


i hope you continue ok

good luck!!

[quote="salsashanno"]Tell me what you think, I'm not much of a poet so I'd like some feedback!




But please who?
Is yet again the question.
Are you really the one
Who's gotten me weak at the knees
Or is it just my mind
Having a tease?

You don’t make me laugh
You don’t make me cry
You aren’t funny
You're just lame
Yet no one else
Is quite the same.

Your face
It doesn’t make me swoon.
Your body
It doesn’t make me blush.
Still, for some reason
Only you can give me such a rush.

quote]

Best three stanzas by miles.

salsashanno wrote:Tell me what you think, I'm not much of a poet so I'd like some feedback!

The party was loud.
My head was silent.
The faces were unfamiliar
But when you walked in
I became vibrant.

We had a good time, you and I.
Played some games, had a ball
But what did we conclude,
At the end of it all?

Is it really love?
Could it be true?
Is it just this far off fantasy insert an "or" at the beginning of the line
That I've adapted to you? adapted is a little awkward, try associated maybe

I give your hair a ruffle
And your arms a squeeze,
Am I being too friendly?
Too near?
Too far?
Will I ever please? love this stanza

But please who?
Is yet again the question. take out the "yet again"
Are you really the one
Who's gotten me weak at the knees
Or is it just my mind
Having a tease?

You don’t make me laugh
You don’t make me cry
You aren’t funny
You're just lame rhythm is off, add an extra syllable here maybe?
Yet no one else
Is quite the same.

Your face
It doesn’t make me swoon.
Your body
It doesn’t make me blush.
Still, for some reason
Only you can give me such a rush.

That time we watched West Side Story
“It’s when I don’t look that I feel something”
Never seemed so true.
I think, somehow
my heart has fallen
in love with you.

Overall, excellent poem. Like the other reviews said, expand and add more. However, I really like the theme of the poem and how you concentrate on his imperfections.