Out Of My Mind

i don't know if i really want to call this "out of my mind" so if you come up with something, just leave it in your comment...




[v1] I'm gonna miss you
Even though I kind of already do
I loved you so much
But it never seemed to be enough
Ignoring me won't work
I'll stay, but my heart will have more hurt

[v2] What's up? Oh, nothing much
I just miss you a whole lot
Been thinking about you
You are always on my mind
I've heard you hate me, is it true?
I thought I'd get it this time

[c] Everyone wanted us together
Now my only chance is never
I don't know how to move on
It'll be a long time
Until you're out of my mind
And I'm over you
I'm gonna miss you
Even though I kind of already do

[v3] True, you're older than me
And yes, we live kind of far apart
But we can make it work, definetly
I never thought it would be this hard
If only you gave me a chance
Like that one time I asked you to dance
But you said no

[c]

[b] Soon, really soon, it'll be all over
And I won't ever see you again
But you can change that
I don't want to grow apart
Keep in touch
I always will love and miss you much
When you get home, look up the song
A Little Too Not Over You, by David Archuleta
It's my theme song for you, like a long love letter

[c x2]

Hey little_miss_obsessed,

glad you're writing lyrics. They're a fun medium to express yourself just as much as to communicate a message to others. You have a lovely approach here, nice organization of thoughts! A couple things you may want to look out for:

Making Your Point & Choosing an Appropriate Title

First of all I thought you did a wonderful job in choosing a topic for your song and making your point. I learned as a rule that a song should make one major point and in this you succeeded. To me this song says: You don't love me, but I'll still miss you. (To put it bluntly.) So, kudos for that; it's essential. (:

What your title should do in my eyes is maybe not give away your entire message, but reflect one chracteristic image or phrase from your song, or give us a general idea about the topic. I don't really see your title dong that, because you neither have "Out of my Head" appear in your lyric, nor it your major point as I have perceived it to get the person out of your head. (I'm saying "you", because I'm too lazy right now to constantly write "the speaker" or "the lyrical I", hope you don't mind.)

Flow, Rhyming & All that Jazz

One thing I noticed was that I couldn't get a rythm into my head. Neither when I tried to sng it, nor when speaking. This may just be me, but it may also be connected to the rather irregualar lenth of your lines. Maybe do a test with some other people and have them read it alloud, so you can check, whether it sounds rythmic or not. Maybe it's just me though, sometimes I'm not good at catching a piece's rythm.

I noticed that your rhyming is rather irregular, which is alright since rhyming is neither required for a song, nor is it's regularity. Just make sure it doesn't sound forced or is a rhyme that's been used many times before by others.

A Little Too Not Over You, by David Archuleta
It's my theme song for you, like a long love letter

This seemed a little forced to me, but maybe that's just due to my not being familiar with the name.

I'd try to structure this piece a little more in general, when it comes to the form.

Phrasing

I think you could perhaps work on your word choice a little bit in order to make this more distinct and precise, that's just something I think you may enjoy though, not a necessity (just try some things out, go play! )

There were a few awkward phrases, for example your repeated use of "kind of". Kind of is kind of inexpressive.

In a song you have to get in and out with your lyrics n a bout two minutes, for the average song has about three and there's not singing from the very beginning. Hence you need to be really selective about your words in order to get in the most expression and feeling. I'd suggest you use something else instead of "kind of", which says something more to the person listening.


Glad you're writing lyrics, keep going!

~Kalliope

(Should you have any questions, feel free to PM me. =])

Hey pretty cool. I like it! If this is a true thing you should stand tall and give or send this song to that kid you like. If a girl did that to me. I maybe would start likeing her. This is super good if it's your first time. Anyways I will give you a star.