Charlotte of the Pulverized Caterpillars; II

x

Alright!

It's Evi again.

So, this has absolutely sothing to do with the last installment, not to mention nothing to do with caterpillars, pulverized or otherwise. I'm going to have to read all six parts before deciphering your strange formatting and jumpiness. We don't even know if this is the same MC as in the last segment.

In fact, we don't know anything! Absolutely nothing! Nada! Zilch!

Moving on.

I was even hyper aware of outside things that might hurt him. When I saw HER sitting and talking with another guy during rehearsal, my thoughts turned foremost to him. Was he acutely aware of her the way I was of him? Did his breath catch for a moment in a sudden wave of sadness. (Question mark here) That was a feeling I'd been feeling more and more often, but not something I'd ever with on him.

This sounds like it is picking up from the middle of a chapter, not the beginning. It's like turning on the TV in the middle of the show, and not knowing what happened before. This irks me.

The whole SHE thing irks me also. Try italics; you'll get the same effect.

He was in my thoughts but SHE was too.

Comma in between thoughts and but. Same thing with the SHE.

I love the next paragraph. Very much.

But what could my reaction have been then? A smile in return? A shy aversion of my eyes? A blank and startled stare? Perhaps I didn't wish his attention on me after all. It would only make me look more of a fool. Luckily, no greater force listened to my base wishes and his head remained focused on the director. I had no willpower to focus in the same direction. My eyes flitted endlessly between him and HER. She continued her conversation with the strange boy I'd never noticed before.

I like the beginning of this; however, I'm getting confused. Is the SHE talking with the MC's object of affection, or another boy? And, if it's the latter, why is the MC getting so jealous? You just need to clarify when you say 'he' or 'him'. Names would be nice.

Oh, I loved her so,

Really? Doesn't seem like it.

Alright. It was something I had no knowledge of. There was nothing I could do. I had to stop thinking about it. Throwing myself back into my mind, sure that my eyes had finally glazed over with disinterest, I ran over the latest lyrics in my head. I pretended they blocked out every thought of that cursed boy; every word somehow had something to do with him. I couldn't escape his power.

This is a very nice last paragraph.

So, as I said in the previous chapter, I don't know what to make of this. You have talent as a writer, certainly; but that talent might not lie in plot-making, since niether chapters seem to have one.

Off to the next segment!

~Evi

Hello again, Evi! ^_^

So, this has absolutely sothing to do with the last installment, not to mention nothing to do with caterpillars, pulverized or otherwise. I'm going to have to read all six parts before deciphering your strange formatting and jumpiness. We don't even know if this is the same MC as in the last segment.

Hmmm, well, that is actually how I intended this piece to be. As you might see in the little description, it's described as part of a 'patchwork'. Most of the stories have nothing to do with each other, though there is some continuity with certain characters {ah, even that is ambiguous!}. Exactly how it was intended. They're just kind of meant as little glimpses into the same girl's life. ^_^

You just need to clarify when you say 'he' or 'him'. Names would be nice.

Haha, but names would give away the vagueness of the whole piece. :C

Really? Doesn't seem like it.

Eee! Good point! ^_^ Off to remedy this as well as the other small changes you recommended, grammar-wise.

I really do apologize if you're completely put off by the formatting of this 'series'. >_< Also, though this particular work might not be plot-oriented {or have a plot at all, I admit}, it was meant to be that way and does not reflect the same upon any of my other works -- please keep that in mind? ^_^

Thanks again for taking the time to critique! ^_^ <3

-Hannah-