Life in General

He wants to escape,
From his prison walls.
To him, freedom calls
He struggles to gain,
A new set of wings.

He flies to low, even now
As he tries to rise from
the sea below his feet.
The foam drags him down,
In the clutches of saltly sea.

He's uplifting in the air now,
A drift helping him along,
He wants to aim for the best
But it might melt his wings,
And come crashing down
Into the sea.

He keeps to the middle
Wanting to get across,
He never took the chance,
To discover his own brilliance
But keep to the normal
As many people do,
In the struggle of life.

I'm not really that well-versed in critiquing poetry, but I have to say this was great. I liked how the first stanza keeps the five syllable count all the way through, and that's what I thought you were going for at first. Then I saw the other stanzas didn't have a specific syllable count, lol.

Great descriptions; it gives (or at least it gave me) a clear mental image.

=]


joseph.dean-

Hmm, I love the theme here, about flying too high or too low, but 1- the title isn't echoed that much in the actual piece, and 2- I feel some of your ideas are detached. The line in perticular I'm talking about is:

He struggles to gain,
A new set of wings.

This idea is the main theme of the poem, but with the rhymes of the rest of the poem, these two lines don't fit.

But, emotionally, it's very complex. The more you read it, the more lairs come out to make themselves known. I really liked this.

~Rosey

Very nice poem! Is it based on the Greek Myth? I like it. It illustrates a very clear message. Just a few corrections-

He wants to escape,
From his prison walls.
To him, freedom calls.
He struggles to gain,
A new set of wings.

Just a punctuation nitpick.

He flies too low, even now
As he tries to rise from
the sea below his feet.
The foam drags him down,
In the clutches of salty sea.

Probably just some typing issues

He's rising in the air now,
A drift helping him along,
He wants to aim for the best
But it might melt his wings,
And come crashing down-
Into the sea.

Uprising wouldn't fit in this context. And a hyphen is necessary.

Again, awesome work. I really liked it. The last stanza did get off beat a bit, but maybe change the wording around to make it flow with the rest. It would make for a good ballad too. Great work Daughter of the Moon!

Peace, Love, and Sugar Packets~
Forever Threnody

This is amazing!
I'm not one t give criticism, but none is needed here.
I was a little confused with the rhyme scheme of things, but you gave me a clear image of everything this poem was saying.

Excellent job!!

Keep writing!!

Dusty Freeman