Adour

Not very poetic, just something that came 2 my mind so i wrote it down. (Adour means midnight in kenya.)

Adour.
Midnight lies, behind your eyes.
I will journey through your tears;
into the dark night of your soul.
I enter through your eyes.
I will chase away your fears.
Putting your mind at ease; to rest.
I will calm your shaking heart with the touch of my hand.
I will sing to you an lullaby, so you will know that i am here.
My song shall linger and stay with you in the night.
I will kiss you, and lay you down to rest apoun my soul.
My princess, My dawn, forever i will love you through these nights.
Forever I will love you through your long nights.

Hello! A few comments from someone who's no expert on poetry but loves to read it! ^_^

I will journey through your tears;

into the dark night of your soul.

I enter through your eyes.

There are a few things with this passage I'd like to see fixed up. First of all, keep with the parallel phrasing! 'I will journey', and then the line after this passage, 'I will chase' -- why not 'I will enter through your eyes.'? ^_^ Also, the phrase 'dark night' seems a bit awkward, and I think you might change it to something a bit better? Perhaps more descriptive words could be used, but something that keeps with the dark tone? ^_^

I will calm your shaking heart with the touch of my hand.

I will sing to you an lullaby, so you will know that i am here.

Well, aside from small mechanical errors here {there are a few elsewhere in the poem as well} that I'm sure you'll be able to catch if you read over it again, I am just left wondering why the subject of the poem is so afraid. It's really intriguing! ^_^

I will kiss you, and lay you down to rest apoun my soul.

My princess, My dawn, forever i will love you through these nights.

Forever I will love you through your long nights.

Hmmm... the image of laying someone down upon 'my soul' seems a /bit/ egotistical in my opinion. Keep in mind that's only my opinion -- I don't even know where it comes from. I know it's meant to be tender, but I think you might find softer imagery to work in there? I also suggest maybe changing 'your' to 'our', emphasizing the relationship in the poem? ^_^

Over all, a nice job! ^_^

Bonjour Mystique Eyes! I'm June, and I will be your critic for right now. (By the way, I love your username! It's so cute)

Okay, I love your title. When I first saw the title, I wasn't sure what it meant, but it sounded elegant and seclusive, like midnight. I was kind of surprised to find out that it does mean midnight. Such a fabulous title.

I have one nitpick though! It's nothing serious at all, so don't worry, dear.

• The pronoun "I" should always be capitalized, even if the remaining words around it are to not be capitalized. Capitalize it it'll give a better, more smooth read to the poem.


At the beginning of the piece, you start off very poetically. I really love your choice and usage of words here. It's beautiful.

However, as we get down to the longer lines, the poem changes! Not only because the lines get longer, but they become less poetic-- almost as if they're just sitting there, you know? Like lines from a story book written here.


I know you said it's not much of a poem, but it holds meaning like a poem. It uses imagery and plays with words so that the message you're telling us isn't just told like a story.

So! I think you should take your longer lines, and wrestle them into more poetic, slightly shorter lines, okay dear? It can be done, it's not hard at all. Just continue with the smooth rhythm you had going at the beginning.


Structure, grammar, and mechanics are not the most important things in a poem. They only matter when the poem has a certain form that helps the reader understand it in a certain way. Let's get on to what really matters, The Message.

• Okay, reading this again, I'm not so sure what it's about? It seems like it's about someone -- perhaps a girl-- who is looking into someones eyes to see everything about them, or about something else? I can't really tell, because reading this over, I see that the meaning is, and can be a lot more complex than what it says at first.

(Oops. In the later lines, I just saw that you said "My princess" so this is from a males point of view, yes?)

• The imagery you're using here is beautiful. It's not entirely unique, but the way you're using it here gives us a certain way of reading the poem, whether you intended it that way or not. However you intended it, it's beautiful.



Overall it's a good poem. It could use a little polishing, but that's nothing to worry about since all poems need it. What matters most it that you have a steady foundation that you can easily build upon.


Brilliant job.

June

I look forward to seeing more of your work!

Hi there Mystique Eyes! Welcome to YWS! I'm Kat and I absolutely love your name and avatar
I was looking for a poem that could be my hundredth review! you're the chosen one
So, on to the review!
I liked this. It seems real. As it was already referred above the "I" should be capitalized.

I will sing to you an lullaby, so you will know that i am here.

For the word lullaby it's used only "a" not "an".

I disagree with Hannah on most things.
A piece of advise. it's risky to start a poem with a certain length of line and then completely change it. Most times it ruins a flow. In yours it does become a bit messy. Maybe break the longer lines, so that you could rearrange the flow?
The rhyming was good and I didn't find any more grammatical mistakes.
that's all I have to say.
overall, a good poem, but it could be polished up a little!
Keep up the good work!

hey everyone,
thanx for all your advice! I do plan on taking your advice and fixing it where it gets messy and putting some effort into finding more poetic lines for the parts that need it.
Just so u all know, The poem is about a girl who is troubeled and scared. She is troubled because of her pain. She is afraid, because she's alone. She's scared her pain will grow untill it becomes the death of her.
The poem begins through a man's point of veiw that sees all the hurt and fears in the girl; And he's just there to love her, and make her, un-alone. Hope that answers all your wondering about it.
Thanks again for all your advice. I'll work on it. (though it prolly will take awhile.)
I really appriciate the help.