Morning

Morning

We knew he would die
before daybreak. Now,
the metallic, toothless sun heralds
the chill of fresh anxieties.
My life, my love, could burn up
in seconds, under crackling fire of bullets.
Here, blood no longer impassions lips to faces,
but is a grey badge of honour, of a killer,

of being killed.
The mattress is so bare and cold;
I lie there for days, turning: temples swelter in protest;
eyes plead for a God. Guns rumble, sear brains
with a biting despair that drives us apart
by suns, years, miles.

All right, all in all, I enjoyed this poetry, though there was one thing I didn't understand:
It says, "We knew he would die", and then it says, "I lie there". I don't understand- is the narrator the one dying, or one outside of it, watching the person die? And when you say "Guns rumble" does this mean you are on a battlefield, or is it just a figure of speech? Maybe you could make the poem a little less abstract.

We knew he would die
before daybreak. Now,
the metallic, toothless sun heralds What do you mean by "toothless sun"? Maybe change it to something like "fiery sun"- something that makes more sense.
the chill of fresh anxieties.
My life, my love, could burn up
in seconds, under crackling fire of bullets.
Here, blood no longer impassions lips to faces,I don't think "impassions" is a word.
but is a grey badge of honour, of a killer,
Why is there a space?
of being killed. I'd take this line away.
The mattress is so bare and cold;
I lie there for days, turning: temples swelter in protest;
eyes plead for a God. Guns rumble, sear brains "eyes plead for a God"? I'd change that to something like "heart thirsts for life". And "sear brains" doesn't sound as great as it could. I would change that as well, though I have no examples for you there.
with a biting despair that drives us apart
by suns, years, miles. I wouldn't put "by suns, years, miles." I'd put something more like:
"with a biting despair that drives us apart
"and our love is unable to stop it"
Because to me this sounds like a speech between lovers- one is dying, the other is watching with utter despair and helplessness.

I hope that helped!


-Macs

Well, I don't really have any mechanical advice to give, but I'm hoping that my reaction might help you and give you an idea as to how your poem sounds to others and if that's what you were going for.

In the first two lines, one thing that strikes me is the placement of 'now' on the end of the second line, thus grouping it with the first sentence rather than the second. So, pondering upon that fact, I wondered if it was to emphasize the impending death with words that illustrate immediateness. That's my conjecture anyways, whether that's what you intended or not.

Another point I pondered upon was whether 'my life, my love' referred to two different things or if the narrator's love WAS his very life, which would speak of his will to live. Of course, this theory gets thrown away when you start to speak of 'lips to faces' which, in my mind, shows lovers holding each other close, yes?

The tone I get from it, all in all, is that the narrator is in a position he cannot hope to escape from with his life and his regret that he will no longer be able to live. ^_^ Hope my response can help a bit and sorry if it was useless~

Hey Gahks! I'm not a very big poetry person, so I'm not promising an amazingly technical review, but I'll just say what I think and hopefully that will help!

Upon my first reading of this poem, I really enjoyed this. I'll have to comb through it for advice, but the first reading was interesting. In particular, I really enjoyed the lines "of a killer, of being killed", and your structure choice there. The pause the stanza break created allowed a very heavy feeling in my mind. Also, the last line seemed a heavy and appropriate conclusion; it echoed with finality.

A line I did not care for and I think can use some tinkering:

Here, blood no longer impassions lips to faces,
but is a grey badge of honour, of a killer,

Impassions sticks out a lot. I don't believe it's a real word, though I think "impassioned" is. This long, unclear word just comes across as very awkward, and it would be best to substitute it with a short word that better shows the imagery and meaning you're trying to portray here.

Another line:

I lie there for days, turning: temples swelter in protest;
eyes plead for a God. Guns rumble, sear brains

Two things here. I'm not finding the semi-colon appropriate, and I think a comma will suffice. The semi-colon seems to box in this sentence too much, and I don't understand why it is there. Also, the word brains seems too harsh and inappropriate for this poems. The word "sear brains" is a strange phrase, and it's harsh sound and ill imagery seems to take away from the poem in this section rather than create anything for me.

Words can be tinkered with, but I really did enjoy this poem. I hope my comments are helpful. Feel free to PM me (or Facebook IM me, lol) anytime.

~ Clo

A couple of things: firstly, the toothless sun, it is a rather strange thing to say. I interpret this to mean it's soft, gentle, not biting, easy to bear. Also, "under crackling fire of bullets", sounds like it should say "under a crackling fire..." or even "the". i like your vocabulary - heralds, impassions - both great words you used here. Your style is sophisticated, as well as your use of colons and semi-colons. It sounds small, but it just makes your poem that bit more interesting to read. The part about the matress also gives a sense of isolation. I was a little surprised about the ending - the being driven apart doesn't quite shine through enough in the rest of the poem for me to be expecting you to say that at the end, so perhaps you could expand this a little more.

I like how you let the lines and the two stanzas flow into each other, rather than being seperate, solid sentences and ideas. It also gives the first line of the second stanza a feeling of suspense. Loved the first line, too. Good job.

I'm really loving some of your imagery in this one, particularly the last two lines of your first stanza, very well written. However, I'm not sure about your word choice in some places, here's a few pieces of advice:

Morning



We knew he would die

before daybreak. Now, [I love your placement of now but I wonder on the use of we. Who is we? There seems to be only one speaker in the poem and the only strong reference to another is this he. Does the narrator mean that he also knew? Or is there a third party that never gets a mention?]

the metallic, toothless sun heralds [Just a comment, I took this to be a metaphor for a gun or bullet, am I possibly right?]

the chill of fresh anxieties. [Good use of contrasts but why fresh? If the death was expected what do these new anxieties concern? It's an interesting choice of phrasing but too vague for the reader to get anything from it. I'd suggest you expand a little on what the fresh anxieties are against the old, either that or change the wording.]

My life, my love, could burn up [I don't like this line. Until here I was delighted by your more unique phrasing but as soon as you put 'my life my love' you lose some of my attention. Maybe it's just because I've read too much soppy love poetry but I really do think you could express the relationship better.]

in seconds, under crackling fire of bullets. [I agree that it feels like there should be a the before crackling. And I'm not sure about crackling itself. I think you could find a better word, maybe something to suggest who these guns belong to. For example, treacherous would suggest it's someone they trusted who desires to kill him while neutral would suggest something much colder, much worse in its own way. I get the feeling the poem is about a life lost in war and something along the lines of neutral would help show that. Or if I'm wrong, a completely different word would help convey the real image.]

Here, blood no longer impassions lips to faces,

but is a grey badge of honour, of a killer,



of being killed. [No suggestions for these three lines. I love them.]

The mattress is so bare and cold;

I lie there for days, turning: temples swelter in protest; [I would also suggest a comma here.]

eyes plead for a God. Guns rumble, sear brains [I don't like the use of sear. I would suggest brand.]

with a biting despair that drives us apart

by suns, years, miles.

Hmm, I'm not sure on the end. Your lines seem to build up to something strong, something awful and then the last line is rather soft in its format with the commas, the plain words and it's almost soothing. It shouldn't be but that's the way it feels to me? It just feels weak compared to the previous lines.

Overall, I liked this. You build atmosphere well, the imagery is strong and those three lines in the middle are an excellent example of good structure. I don't think I quite know what the poem is trying to say and I can't even get my own interpretation straight so it does make me wish it wasn't quite so vague but enough meaning and images can be taken from it that the reader is left satisfied that they have at least witnessed something, even if they couldn't say what that something was.

Have fun with any edits you make and sorry this took some time coming,

Heather xx