Addicted to Venom

Author's Note: I came up with this yesterday, finished today. Long story short, my best friend, Sarah, was my inspiration for this one. I had to watch her go through so much the past few months and needless to say, I'd like to beat the guy dead who did it to her.

ALSO, I'm terrible at punctuation and capitalization in poetry, because I don't do too much of it, so please help with that. Please don't think I'm terribly stupid, either. I'm really not! xD

That is all. Read on, please.

He's like a drug in your eyes.
But we all know,
he's like a venom,
running through your veins.
And he's your addiction.

The urge you can't get rid of;
can't stop wanting, hoping.
You'd do anything
for just some time with him-
no matter the price.

He's your drug, your nicotine, your addiction.
And you just keep coming back for more.
What you get's never enough.
It's never enough.
But, do you realize, maybe he's not enough?

The price you pay to be with him
is not worth what he gives you.
He puts the idea in your head
that he's a treasure, one-of-a-kind.
Just move on, leave him behind.

He's not worth the pain,
not worth the tears you shed over him.
But you're oblivious;
hypnotized by the words he whispers to you-
the words you want to hear.

You'll soon, slowly realize
what it is he's doing to you
and exactly what it is you're losing,
in your struggle to be with him.
And unfortunately, it'll feel like pouring salt in an open wound.

He's not good for you.
But, you wouldn't know that.
You won't know that
until it's over.
And he leaves you, in shattered pieces, on the floor.

I'll be there with you, by your side.
But your eyes will be closed.
You won't know that I'm there.
But I will be.
And that's what matters.

I will constantly repeat these words to you:
"You are alive. You've lived through the worst of it. I'm here."
Trust me, I'll be there, because I love you.
It may not be the kind of love you're looking for,
but it's here for you, and it's just the kind you need.

Your best friend.

Okay. First off, I want to say: congratulations. You've written something that matters. I've written poetry before, but it didn't feel like the poetry I am writing now. You're written this based on a harsh truth, and based on a harsh truth, it resonates with meaning. Second: the info/intro thing could go at the end once you've wowed us with the poem itself. I say this: forewords stink, but afterwords are awesome because you won't understand it until you've read the work. Okay. Now....here we go, the actual criticism... I don't want to sound harsh, so anything I say is not meant to be taken personally, just, think it over about what I mean.

Monki wrote:Author's Note: I came up with this yesterday, finished today. Long story short, my best friend, Sarah, was my inspiration for this one. I had to watch her go through so much the past few months and needless to say, I'd like to beat the guy dead who did it to her.

ALSO, I'm terrible at punctuation and capitalization in poetry, because I don't do too much of it, so please help with that. Please don't think I'm terribly stupid, either. I'm really not! xD

That is all. Read on, please.

He's like a drug in your eyes. Eyes...? I don't understand this line...
But we all know,
he's like a venom, I don't think the 'a' is necessary here.
running through your veins.
And he's your addiction. Scratching the ''And'' would make the line resonate better.

The urge you can't get rid of;
can't stop wanting, hoping.
You'd do anything
for just some time with him-
no matter the price. I'd add something in between matter and the such as 'how great', or something.

He's your drug, your nicotine, your addiction.
And you just keep coming back for more.
What you get's never enough.
It's never enough. r-e-d-u-n-d-a-n-t. get rid of this line. empty repitition just looks bad.
But, do you realize, maybe he's not enough? spine tingling! love this one.

The price you pay to be with him
is not worth what he gives you.
He puts the idea in your head
that he's a treasure, one-of-a-kind.
Just move on, leave him behind. once again, awesome lines here. It rhymes, even, and it sounds good!

He's not worth the pain,
not worth the tears you shed over him.
But you're oblivious; I'd say 'you stand, oblivious,' versus what you have...it would be more dramatic
hypnotized by the words he whispers to you-
the words you want to hear.

You'll soon, slowly realize this line would sound better as: ''Soon, you'll slowly realize...''
what it is he's doing to you scratch the ''it-is'' part. that's just extra baggage weighing this delicate poem down.
and exactly what it is you're losing, kind of wordsy, I'd limit it to "What you are losing" and with use of italics, it could be a really sort of heart-jerking line.
in your struggle to be with him.
And unfortunately, it'll feel like pouring salt in an open wound. I'd limit this to something like ''It will feel like pouring salt into a wound." somtimes fewer words really say more.

He's not good for you. I'd change the ''not'' to 'no' and maybe scratch the ''for you''
But, you wouldn't know that. scratch the comma after but, and possibly reword the phrase to read along the lines of: ''You are blind to that fact''...or something like that.
You won't know that I'd take this part, from 'you won't know' and make it its own stanza. Then I'd play back into the sort of seeing euphism, and say ''you won't see until it's over''
until it's over.
And he leaves you, in shattered pieces, on the floor.

I'll be there with you, by your side. I'd edit this line down to say "I'll be there by your side"
But your eyes will be closed.
You won't know that I'm there.
But I will be.
And that's what matters.

I will constantly repeat these words to you:
"You are alive. You've lived through the worst of it. I'm here."
Trust me, I'll be there, because I love you.
It may not be the kind of love you're looking for,
but it's here for you, and it's just the kind you need.

Your best friend.

I have to say: just a few tweaks, and this poem will be a real tear-jerker. I hope your friend is okay! That's what poetry is: a focus and clarification of reality. This is a meaningful piece. Keep writing!
Cheers!
--Voxina

:*) Thanks for the review. I'm going to edit this. I've already started, using the suggestions in your review, so I'll have the edited version up soon enough. Hopefully I'll get a few more reviews.

Again, W.O.W.

Notes are in bold, and I might cross out some stuff.

Monki wrote:
He's like a drug in your eyes.
But we all know,
he's like [s]a[/s] venom, I crossed out "a"
running through your veins.
And he's your addiction.

The urge you can't get rid of;
can't stop wanting, hoping.
You'd do anything
for just some time with him-
no matter the price.

He's your drug, your nicotine, your addiction.
And you just keep coming back for more.
What you get is never enough. "Get is" feels better in this case.
It's never enough.
But, do you realize, maybe he's not enough?

The price you pay to be with him
is not worth what he gives you.
He puts the idea in your head
that he's a treasure, one-of-a-kind.
Just move on, leave him behind.

He's not worth the pain,
not worth the tears you shed over him.
But you're oblivious;
hypnotized by the words he whispers to you-
the words you want to hear.

You'll soon, slowly realize It feels like "soon" and "slowly" are canceling each other out.
what it is he's doing to you
and exactly what it is you're losing,
in your struggle to be with him.
And unfortunately, it'll feel like pouring salt in an open wound. Move the stuff after the comma to a new line.

He's not good for you.
But, you wouldn't know that.
You won't know that
until it's over.
And he leaves you, in shattered pieces, on the floor.

I'll be there with you, by your side.
But your eyes will be closed.
You won't know that I'm there.
But I will be.
And that's what matters.

I will constantly repeat these words to you:
"You are alive. You've lived through the worst of it. I'm here."
Trust me, I'll be there, because I love you.
It may not be the kind of love you're looking for,
but it's here for you, and it's just the kind you need.

Your best friend.

Not a ton of nit-picks.

The caps/punctuation issue-

Put caps at the start of every line. Plain and simple.

Overall- Amazingly powerful, so very true.

Please let me know when the edited version is up!

dang!! i said it earlier on my thing...but i'll say it again :0

haha i LOVE you! ew gross not that way..hehe but forreal...

you seem like a really good friend i read this and thought of my best friend because its exactly

what she's been going through.... i like it because your not all boo hoo poor me

haha unlike i was in my poem.....;0

but yeah . your REALLY good. im sure you've heard that before!

keep writing....and i'll keep reading

kaitty

Hi Monki! I don't believe we've met before, I am Mars, here for your review.
So, I have a few nitpicks, and since I can see this is a very personal subject, just remember they're only nitpicks-I don't want to change the meaning in any way.
Okay, here we go!

He's like a drug in your eyes.
I think a lot of your similes would be stronger if they were metaphors. Eg, he isn't like a drug, he is a drug. He isn't like venom, he is venom. That will create a stronger impact, like. SLAM! He's your drug, your addiction, etc.

He's your drug, your nicotine, your addiction.
And you just keep coming back for more.
What you get's never enough.
It's never enough.
But, do you realize, maybe he's not enough?
I love the idea here. But I have a few minor issues with this stanza: first of all, I agree that you should get rid of the contraction (get's). It wouldn't be too many syllables and I feel that it would sound better.
The other suggestion I have is to rephrase the last line. I like the way you have it's not enough-he's not enough. But with so many words (but, maybe, do you realize) the meaning is lost, so I'd shorten it and make it more concise.

and exactly what it is you're losing,
in your struggle to be with him.
I realize this is a very, very tiny thing. But, uh, I don't think you should have a comma there.

And unfortunately, it'll feel like pouring salt in an open wound.
There are so many syllables in here that you don't really need! What if you reworded, like so:
in your struggle to be with him
like pouring salt in an open wound.
Just read it over and see what you think!

And he leaves you, in shattered pieces, on the floor.
Nice image, but on the floor and in pieces are a bit unnecessary, since the floor has nothing to do with anything and shattered actually means in pieces. Again, I think this would be a lot stronger if it were more concise.

I'll be there with you, by your side.
But your eyes will be closed.
I'd like this better if the second line began with even though instead of but. That way, you won't be repeating but.

Okay! So, again, I hope I didn't rewrite your poem too much. Obviously, it's your work, do with it what you will, throw acid on my suggestions if you wish. But don't because that would ruin your computer which would be bad.

I really really like your use of metaphor here, saying that the boyfriend is a drug/poisonous. Actually, I wish you had used it a little more. The poem right now feels a little too vague, like it's floating, and it needs an anchor to hold it down. You know? Like, it has all the ideas and abstractions and they're spectacular, but it needs something substantial to make it work even better. And, of course, what I mean by something substantial: more imagery, more metaphor, more words that will give us a clearer idea of what you mean.

Anyway, Monki, I enjoyed this. It clearly is very personal and I'm glad that you can write your emotions out like this. Nice work.
-Mars