My Guardian Angel................ Prologue

My Guardian Angel
Prologue


He meant nothing to me. Nothing at all. And now, he is everything...

He is my secret keeper, my loyal companion, my bodyguard, my saviour, my servant... my best friend. But most of all, he is mine.

He is in my dreams, preventing them from turning into nightmares. He is by my side, whispering words in my ear; words of comfort when I am feeling down; words of humour to make me laugh on the worst of days; words of wisdom when I am confused; words of knowledge when I am unsure of the answer; words of courage when I am feeling drained of all bravery. He is in my head, listening to my peaceful and sometimes disturbed and distraught thoughts. He is... everywhere.

It’s hard to believe someone like him is real, though it may not seem like he is. Sometimes it feels like one big, long dream. I have to keep reminding myself that it’s not. That he really is with me everywhere I go. That someone so perfect does actually exist.

It wasn’t until recently that I realised just how real he is. Just how inhumanely real he is.

I’m not sure where to begin, but the very start sounds like a good idea. The very start being the accident. If it had never happened, I would never have discovered him...

My Guardian Angel

Hi there! I'm Jared, and I'll be giving you a short critique for this story prologue.

I have to say that this plot has been done a million times? But... I think you have something going here. You have me hooked already, which is a great thing to have already done.

One thing that I'll suggest though, is to loose the ellipses. (...) Those things. Not only do they make this seem immature, but they make it read really weirdly. So get rid of all those, and this should flow pretty smoothly.

I like the basis you have here, but I'm not quite sure on how everything about this guy is perfect. I really hope you aren't making another Edward Cullen type of thing. Perfect characters = bad characters. Really truly honestly. No one likes to read about these perfect guys with six packs and shiny white teeth. As sexy as they may sound to the girls, they aren't that much fun to read about.

Even if he is an angel, he still is a character of your imagination, and with that said, you may think he is perfect, but that makes an unbelievable story. We want real characters, even if they happen to be an alien from planet Oogabooga and has three heads and fifty toes. They still have to be believable. You get what I'm saying?

Even though you haven't given away too much, because this is only the prologue, I suggest that you dig deeper into your characters. Make them have flaws. Don't make them perfect, because perfect is boring.

Best of luck!

-Jared

words of comfort when I am feeling down; words of humour to make me laugh on the worst of days; words of wisdom when I am confused; words of knowledge when I am unsure of the answer; words of courage when I am feeling drained of all bravery. He is in my head, listening to my peaceful and sometimes disturbed and distraught thoughts. He is... everywhere.

In that little paragraph right there it kind of drones on and you have the reader thinking: "when is it going to end?!" So maybe trying to shorten it or maybe even take somethings out would help because we get the gist: he whispers comforting words into her ear.

Hey! i think a few semi-colons were unnecessary, but that's okay!

Hey, I see you only have one review! Oh, the humanity! Please, remember the 2:1 ratio: For every two review you earn one post! Okie dokies?

*kiwiauthor_13~

Here are some comments & thoughts while reading:

*Nothing~
When you say that he means nothing to your MC, doesn't that sound a little rude? Was he non-existent to her and everyone else? Was he quite and shy or outgoing and popular? What characteristics does he have? Jot down personalities from people around you and you'll come out with a good list.

*Too many~
Don't you think he has too many roles? He's this and that, but where is the real him?

*A little too perfect~
I agree with everyone who has reviewed on this piece. Your guy seems too perfect and has no flaws. Where are his mistakes and does he go through problems in life? Give him life and let him breath.

*Overall~
I think I might know what's going to happen. But I shall see.
I'm sorry if I seemed too harsh, but I just went walking in the fog and my fingers are frozen. Anyway, great job!

*Merry

^_^ Hello~ Just a few suggestions. I'm Hannah, by the way! I agree with the previous comment about taking out the ellipses. I think that if you used the correct punctuation, the phrases would become just that much more concrete. For example;

He meant nothing to me. Nothing at all. And now, he is everything...

Ending the sentence with an ellipse makes it seem like the narrator is slipping off into considering his/her last line. Maybe, just maybe, he isn't the narrator's everything? To me, that's what the ellipse represents. I think a period would make the statement final and give it a tone of truth, especially because it's such a short sentence.

He is in my dreams, preventing them from turning into nightmares. He is by my side, whispering words in my ear; words of comfort when I am feeling down; words of humour to make me laugh on the worst of days; words of wisdom when I am confused; words of knowledge when I am unsure of the answer; words of courage when I am feeling drained of all bravery. He is in my head, listening to my peaceful and sometimes disturbed and distraught thoughts. He is... everywhere.

The trouble with this passage is the complexity of the parallel phrasing -- you actually have two parallel lists in this same paragraph {one is inside the other}. The length of the list punctuated with semicolons takes away from the continuity of the 'He is' list, making the last line of this passage seem a bit out of place. Try cutting down on the middle list! Pick out one or two types of words that are most important to the narrator and mention only those.

It’s hard to believe someone like him is real, though it may not seem like he is.

The second half of this sentence seems to veer from the tone of the rest of the piece. It seems as if it addresses the reader's opinion of the person who is being described when everything else is the narrator stating facts as he/she sees them. I think you'd do best to just take out the second half, since you elaborate on the first half with the following sentences.

It wasn’t until recently that I realised just how real he is. Just how inhumanely real he is.

Is 'inhumanely' really the word you wanted to use? It's usually used negatively:

in⋅hu⋅mane
–adjective
not humane; lacking humanity, kindness, compassion, etc.

Even 'inhumanly' has a negative connotation, so try finding a different adjective to illustrate what you were trying to say!

It's a sweet piece overall. ^_^ Good work.