Winter Suite

Winter Suite

And our bedroom is a sunlit canvas
all over which we'll paint our lives
in dappled shades of scarlet and green.
And I'll draw you out from the cage of your clothes
and unlock you with summer ease
over the velvet sheets.
And it'll be our sanctuary, where doubts are drowned
in cocktails of singing laughter minute by minute.

And dozens of miles below,
the City lights will flash themselves to our fast-lane lives,
and on the stereo, I'll let our discordant chords
slow with the silky moon into one smooth sonata.
And I'll paint you a shelter:
your heart can hide in mine.

Right. First of all, never begin a sentence with "and" or "but". This is especially true if it's in the very beginning of a piece, like here:

And our bedroom is a silent canvas

Otherwise, this is a very good work.

'Lo, Gahks. Great to see another piece of your work. I have just a few comments. My first impression that I get from this poem is that, because of the effectively placed 'and's at the beginning of each phrase, it's part of a continuous declaration of love, part of a love that's continuing and still going strong, which is a great feeling to get. It feels as if this is just a glimpse of the poetry -- as if there was more before the excerpt and still more will follow. Just that, in and of itself, is a powerful thing to have accomplished! I love it.

I thought the first phrase/sentence was lovely, because you kept the personal feel with specific color names, but the word 'dappled' implies there are so many more hues between the ones named.

And I'll draw you out from the cage of your clothes

and unlock you with summer ease

over the velvet sheets.

I had a bit of confusion here. Taking out the phrase 'with summer ease', we're left with 'unlock you over the velvet sheets', which seems a bit awkward to me, unless 'over' is to illustrate that they are specifically /over/, rather than /under/ the sheets.

And it'll be our sanctuary, where doubts are drowned

in cocktails of singing laughter minute by minute.

I adore this phrase, especially the image of 'cocktails of singing laughter'. I think that replacing the word 'minute' with 'moment' might keep with the slight vagueness of the poem and keep it personal. A moment is defined differently for every person, and it would be meaningful should this couple share the same definition because of their relationship.

And dozens of miles below,

the City lights will flash themselves to our fast-lane lives,

and on the stereo, I'll let our discordant chords

slow with the silky moon into one smooth sonata.

I had only three notes here. I wondered why you used a comma and lowercase 'and' for the phrase about the stereo rather than keeping with the format you had going throughout the whole poem. That was the first thing that jumped out at me. I also wonder how the city can be dozens of miles below where this poem takes place, unless you're implying that they are so blissfully happy they feel they've floated away. I think, if that was your purpose, it's beautifully done. The phrase 'discordant chords' is only the slightest bit awkward because it has the same sound twice ; 'chord'. Perhaps 'dissonant' instead?

I love this piece! I can't express my love for it enough. Great, beautiful, inspiring work. ^_^

This is lovely.


I'm afraid I'm too lazy to crit much, but there isn't much to change, its pretty much great the way it is.


Very nice last line, and I like the feeling of the bedroom as a santuary, its very pretty.