I Drew a Smiley on my Knee

Warning: This is true and random. Critique at will (please do).
___________________________

I drew a smiley on my knee,
because life needed happier things.
My knee looked so plain,
and all knees look the same.

You could see the smiley on my knee,
because I wore shorts, you see.
And even though it was twenty degrees,
I still stood outside in snow and sleet.

I wore shorts outside on ice,
because it made people laugh and be nice.
No matter how stupid I looked,
standing for five minutes was all it took.

I made people nice and happy,
because if they weren't, they would all be crabby.
A world full of nice people would be great,
it's better than full of unhappiness and hate.

I wanted a world without negativity,
I wanted it more than gravity.
A better world sounds good to me,
a world with peace and joy sounding in harmony.

I drew a smiley on my knee,
because I wanted a better world for others and me.
Amazing how some things are so small,
that's cause is miles-high tall.

This is a really cute poem. Your rhythm is rather out in places though so I'll give some specific advice first and then a couple of general tips...

I drew a smiley on my knee,

because life needed happier things.

My knee looked so plain,

and all knees look the same.

[This would work better if you gave yourself a set metre. If you're going to rhyme and structure, do it in style. You seem to adhere to the couplets rhyming rules during most of the poem so do the same for rhythm: have each set of couplets be written with the same number of syllables. For example, your first stanza would flow better as something along the lines of:

I drew a little smiley on my knee:
life needs to be happy, don't you agree?
My knee looked pale, freckled and plain and
it's such a shame that all knees be the same.

You could see the smiley on my knee,

because I wore shorts, you see.

And even though it was twenty degrees,

I still stood outside in snow and sleet.



I wore shorts outside on ice,

because it made people laugh and be nice.

No matter how stupid I looked,

standing for five minutes was all it took. [I like the content behind these two stanzas but see what you can do with the flow, if you can get the rhythm a little more exact.]



I made people nice and happy,

because if they weren't, they would all be crabby.

A world full of nice people would be great,

it's better than full of unhappiness and hate. [This stanza I dislike. You don't really add anything that isn't said in the others so I'd suggest cutting it.]



I wanted a world without negativity,

I wanted it more than gravity. [This line in particular sounds really forced. Don't let the structure steal your content. Have a think about what you want to say and then force the words to fit. You can re-phrase, you can exchange words that have the same meaning with others but don't use one just because it rhymes.]

A better world sounds good to me,

a world with peace and joy sounding in harmony.



I drew a smiley on my knee,

because I wanted a better world for others and me.

Amazing how some things are so small,

that's cause is miles-high tall.

Structure

A poem with structure doesn't always work best because too often meaning has to be compromised on but if you are going to write in rhyme, use rhythm too because those go hand in hand and don't be afraid to use the occasional half rhyme so long as it fits without too much disruption. However, I do suggest trying free verse and experimenting a little. Generally, the best of poetry is written without restraint.

Hope this helps a little and feel free to pm me with any questions you may have,

Heather xx

i love this i think it goes along with how everyone in this world is a leader/follower.
I have to agree with kitty 15 it does need a beat. but overall its great!

Cat_910 wrote: I drew a smiley on my knee,
because life needed happier things.
My knee looked so plain,
and all knees look the same.

You could see the smiley on my knee,
because I wore shorts, you see. The poem begins with such a lovely atmosphere and you ruined it now with such an ordinary word "shorts"
And even though it was twenty degrees,
I still stood outside in snow and sleet.
again some deeper sense
I wore shorts outside on ice,
because it made people laugh and be nice. Did you ever laugh at someone and be nice to him at the same time?
No matter how stupid I looked,
standing for five minutes was all it took.

I made people nice and happy,
because if they weren't, they would all be crabby. ...don't think so...
A world full of nice people would be great,
it's better than full of unhappiness and hate.

I wanted a world without negativity,
I wanted it more than gravity. Why do you want gravity so much? Or is it gravity attracts negativity. Either way...it's wrong...
A better world sounds good to me,
a world with peace and joy sounding in harmony. now this is good...

I drew a smiley on my knee,
because I wanted a better world for others and me. Great!
Amazing how some things are so small,
that's cause is miles-high tall. Huh?

You should decide: Is this an ordinary story or an allegorical?

The last sentence in the last paragraph doesn't make any sense. Read it yourself.
"That's cause is a miles-high tall." or "That is cause is a miles high tall." Please, make it go out with a bang! A poem like this needs a cutesy last line to make it as what it is. Got that? This line does the poem no justice nor does it make anybody understand the cause. Also, you had some capitlalization discrepancies. Make every line start with an upper case letter, or make each line start with a lower case letter. It isn't difficult to do or change it, in this case, and it makes for a much more uniform poem. And in one so random as this, you need every spare shred of sensibility in it to make it more readable. I liked it, it lightens things up reading stuff like this. I can totally see the imagery, but the stuff I (and what the others, dilligent others) have pointed out needs to be worked on. Keep writing!
--Vox

Okay, I liked it. The whole thing was cute and quirky-- just how I like my poetry!

The only thing I have a problem with is that last paragraph, it just didn't flow right. I think changing "others" to "you" might work better, but it's up to you. And then those last two lines just need a little bit of re-working. But other than that it was really cute, I enjoyed it-- keep it up!!

This is cute. I agree that it does need a better meter, but I like it.

Cat_910 wrote:
I drew a smiley on my knee,
because life needed happier things.
My knee looked so plain,
and all knees look the same.

You could see the smiley on my knee,
because I wore shorts, you see.
And even though it was twenty degrees,
I still stood outside in snow and sleet.

I wore shorts outside on ice,
because it made people laugh and be nice. I agree with another reviewer. Were they laughing with you or at you?
No matter how stupid I looked,
standing for five minutes was all it took.

I made people nice and happy,
because if they weren't, they would all be crabby.
A world full of nice people would be great,
it's better than full of unhappiness and hate.

I wanted a world without negativity,
I wanted it more than gravity. This seems random. Why? I know gravity is nice, but it seems weird here
A better world sounds good to me,
a world with peace and joy sounding in harmony.

I drew a smiley on my knee,
because I wanted a better world for others and me.
Amazing how some things are so small,
that's cause is miles-high tall.

All in all, this poem was nice.
The only thing is, several words seemed to only be there for the sake of rhyming. Use a word because it's important. not because it rhymes.
Also, work on you meter. Read it outloud a few times and see what flows the best.

-Sakura

Hey there, Cat You were the random piece at the top of the screen. xD Kinda later than the other reviews, but y'no.

[quote]I drew a smiley on my knee,

because life needed happier things.

My knee looked so plain,

and all knees look the same. I love the atmosphere you're creating here, it's so light hearted and fun



You could see the smiley on my knee,

because I wore shorts, you see. I disagree with Darko, I think it's fine.

And even though it was twenty degrees,

I still stood outside in snow and sleet.



I wore shorts outside on ice,

because it made people laugh and be nice. I is confuzzled, laugh at you or with you? I presume it's with, either that or she likes to be laughed at, OR she hates the way the world is run, and doesn't want to conform.. Perhaps that's a bit too deep for this fun, light-hearted poem. xDd

No matter how stupid I looked,

standing for five minutes was all it took. [b]I really like the rhyming scheme you have. It's not too forced or anything.



I made people nice and happy,

because if they weren't, they would all be crabby. [b]I know it ruins the rhyming scheme but I really hate the word crabby that's just me being annoying though

A world full of nice people would be great,

it's better than full of unhappiness and hate.



I wanted a world without negativity,

I wanted it more than gravity. This line doesn't really make much sense to me I'm not sure what you mean. Also, I don't think negativity and gravity rhyme correctly.

A better world sounds good to me,

a world with peace and joy sounding in harmony.



I drew a smiley on my knee,

because I wanted a better world for others and me.

Amazing how some things are so small,

that's cause is miles-high tall. I adore this stanza! But I think the last line would read better as: their cause is miles tall that's doesn't really make much sense to me, and high and tall are kinda the same thing


Overall:
I liked this poem. It was fun and lighthearted. Yet it had this lovely meaning, of doing these tiny things that make a big difference. It's much cleverer than it looks, actually. By doing something as simple as drawing a smiley face we could seriously change our outlooks. 'Kay, I'm taking it a bit far but y'no what I mean I really love the rhyming scheme, it didn't seem forced and the poem was fun. It flowed well. It was lighthearted and promoted a lovely ideal.

Well done
xxx

The beginning totally missed the beat of the poem. You want to end good, and I don't really even understand the last stanza honestly. Overall it was ok. I guess the P.O.V. is coming from a young child ages 7-9? Maybe you can do two P.O.V.'s, one from a child and another from an adult. Compare the two and see how much a difference, happiness comes to both.