I Have Been

The world keeps spinning you know,
Not stopping for any single person.
No riches can change that honey,
All you can say is, “I have been.”

You work for a legacy that will live,
A title that would make you proud.
After you’re gone the world will be,
Just like you were, you have been.

Now you’re part of the soil,
Enriching the lives of others.
So maybe they could one day say,
I have been.

Many moons and suns go by,
The time since death is history.
You are history, and part of the circle,
Still swaying in the out-grown path.

Release your mind, don’t worry,
Stop living in the past and go.
Release your soul to the skies,
And remember, you have been.

i will go through and essentially comment on all the things I find to be worth mentioning. Please don't take the critcism as an insult..It's just suggestions. So here I go..

wisemann210 wrote:The world keeps spinning you know, The "you know"doesn't sound quite right here..not to mention, is it ever cliche...find another word to take its place.
Not stopping for any single person. "single person"...sounds kind of off beat or something. I'd use 'individual' instead.
No riches can change that honey, there needs to be a comma behind 'that' and 'honey,' being an interjection, needs to be capitalized. Although if I were you, I'd find something that better portrayed the message.
All you can say is, “I have been.” this line is plain, simple and sweet. try to make the others fit with the tone of this line.

You work for a legacy that will live,
A title that would make you proud. I'm confused as to the tense..
After you’re gone the world will be,
Just like you were, you have been. How can it be both ways?

Now you’re part of the soil,
Enriching the lives of others.
So maybe they could one day say, okay,it doesn't ring so well as it could...but it works until
'say'. You need a colon right there, and put the "I have been" in italics. It will give the line so much more umph
I have been.

Many moons and suns go by, Ooh. very poetic. this line is pretty.
The time since death is history. How long does history mean? It sounds good, but really doesn't do much for information.
You are history, and part of the circle,
Still swaying in the out-grown path. What outgrown path? That line seems pretty random.

Release your mind, don’t worry,
Stop living in the past and go.
Release your soul to the skies,
And remember, you have been.

last thing before you get seriously annoyed at me, put the 'you have been' in italics here too. It will read a lot better with that adjustment...

Okay. I will stop nit-picking. I really liked this poem, it says what is very difficult to say. I get the flow, the whole idea...very intriguing, it reminds me of the Lion King song The Circle of Life. Is that the message you were going for? I think it could be a really awesome poem if you just worked on it a little...
Keep writing.
cheers!
--Vox

Thankyou so much Vox Nihli!
You weren't annoying at all! I appreciate you taking the time to help me out with your comments. This poem was meant to say that the world keeps turning after you go and you try to be remembered through what you've done.


I will be posting a reading of this, It sounds better that way. (Video)


Thanks


---Jon---

Punctuation was horrid. Add commas much?
Anyway, the rhythm was good, except for in the third stanza; the last line was too short.
I like the message of this poem, as well as the way you present it. Kudos. Also, the last stanza was a really strong way to end the poem. Good job; just remember: punctuate correctly.