Diversity Essay

Hello, Angels-Symphony. I very much enjoyed this essay. Your subject matter is excellent. You convey your points concisely and clearly for the most part, but I definitely have some comments and suggestions on the structure, which was messy at times. I hope you find them useful.

In the world today, we have an unbelievably large range of human beings that range from rich to poor, young and old, weak and strong.

I thought this sentence was a little clunky, since you had "rich to poor", and then "young and old" and "weak and strong". Maybe put "to" in all three.

Every human of every race and country was born with special traits that make us unique.

This is just an agreement error. If you're going with "Every human", say "make him/her unique".

These differences were meant to make each of us individual, make us stand out from the rest, and make us find something to take pride in.

It will flow better, at the end of this sentence, to say, "give us each something to take pride in" (or "in which to take pride", if you're a grammar nerd like me"

Diversity is not meant to divide society; rather it is made to make everyone significant from the rest and save the world from the similarities it possesses within.

In my opinion, it doesn't sound quite right to say diversity "is made to make everyone significant...". I mean, diversity is not something which is technically made. Maybe say diversity "serves to make everyone significant..." or something along those lines. Also, just

So ask yourself; why do our differences cause such deadly fights? Why do they cause war? And suffering? And pain?

And,and,and. Try other words than "and" Good hamburger-style layout. I liked it, there were good comparisons in there. "On the blank canvas...." You would be a good speech writer. Making essays isn't easy. If you have to read it aloud, you should be able to express the thought that is given in the essay. - 4.5/5

Well, first of all, your very first line was rather bland. It made your essay sound incredibly academic. Like it was a beginning to a boring lecture in class so I suggest you change this:

There are many types of diversity in the world. Among those types are Cultural and Social diversity.

Because the first line of an essay has to grab the readers attention. Besides the rest of your essay had a lot of strong points so it's not cool to ruin the effect with a really bland start. There are many other ways to start this essay, I believe. A quote perhaps? Although that is quite cliche. Maybe a vivid description of the diversity and dynamism of the world?


This one was a really great idea, it was also very well said:

Diversity is not meant to divide society; rather it is made to make everyone significant from the rest and save the world from the similarities it possesses within.

I believe this was also like your supporting statements to the one above. These are also well written with really interesting concepts behind them although some are slightly cliched ideas. The very last line in this paragraph for example is a great idea but it has been heard before.

To be white in a world of whites is far from special; smart in a world of geniuses isn't much of a big deal. If the differences we have in the world today didn't exist, we'd live our lives knowing what would happen. Suspense would be useless; it would all be the same-- birth, fate, and ending for all of us. We'd live each day knowing exactly how we would end it, because we would have seen it before, and the only thing to wait for would be the end of our life.

This one was quite beautiful:

Differences in life are supposed to save, not destroy us.

The statements that followed after it were also really pretty.


This was also really good. It's also controversial. This can be connected to so many historical and current events. Maybe it wasn't part of the instructions in school or something but I think adding current news to these opinions would have made them more powerful.

So ask yourself; why do our differences cause such deadly fights? Why do they cause war? And suffering? And pain? Why are we judged based on the color of our skin? The color of our hair? Physical appearances? Why is it that we can't be accepted for who we are on the inside rather than being pushed away for who we are on the outside?

This is also great:
Opinions, ideas and optimism, I really loved this part.

So why build the barriers? Why not bridge the gap between races by killing off the issues that separate us? Why not take a moment and look through someone else's viewpoint and see the world differently for the first time?

But,

It doesn't matter where you're from or who you are, you are unique.

Your end was too bland again. The end of an essay has to reverberate long after you've read the essay. The end of this was too weak. It was also cliche. I'm sure there's something else you can put there to make it better.

Anyway, good job. This was great.

Thanks for your reviews ^^ HaHaHa, I wrote this on a snow day in December last minute xD I think I did pretty well. Thank you for the pointers and the comments too. I get what you're saying, but this essay was enough to get my top score in my class xD