Once opun a time...

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Once upon a time there was a land called Cyanotica.Cyanotica was a beautiful land filled with extinct creatures like dodo birds. As with every land there was a ruler, namely a king, and as any man normally does he had a lovely wife, if you wish to call her such, quite a few sons and a beautiful daughter, she was beautiful by any standards even the dodo birds thought her pretty but thats not saying much.
The king however was something of a pig himself not at all domesticated. He was ashamed that he had a daughter at all let alone a beautiful one. All he really cared about was educating his sons to become counts heirs and such. He didn't want to have to worry about finding a suitor of any kind for his daughter.
In this kingdom there wasn't very many rules, laws, or bans. From anything. The king was somewhat neglectent. The one thing that was absolutly, most surely forbidden for all of eternity was music. Music is what killed the original queen whom the king loved. But thats not an important part of this story.
The princess loved music. She couldn't tell anyone, but it was her secret desire to find some one person that shared her love for music of any kind.
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At the same time in the neighboring enemy land, Aneoxemia, there was a commoner boy who was completely and irrevocalbly addicted to bass. He didn't know but one day he was destined to fall in love, even more so than bass, with the princess from enemy lands. It was to be true, but difficult, forbidden love.
The commoner wasn't much by day he completed his chores exactly as instructed, never one thing messed up even a little. It was amazing that he could stand putting on his facade all day long. At night the real him emerged, a lonely soul waiting to find that perfect beat, someone to understand his joy for music.
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Back in Cyanosis the princess was having troubles. She was having a terrible time keeping her music inside her head during the day. She just wanted so badly to spread the wonders of notes and melodies with her family, her friends. But her father, the part of him that she knew and loved, was dead to her.
On top of that she realized that she was growing up. She wasn't the little girl that she thought of herself as anymore. She was almost a full grown person. Which ment that soon she would have to find a suitor if she didn't find her true love soon.
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The commoner boy became listless in his small town. He had been there all his life and had already explored the country sides so well that he could recognize each of the common insects within seconds. He could not find one source of proper music in the humdrum town and he needed ever so desperatly to get out. He could not, would not, spend his life milking cows for fun.
That's why he set out to find what is beyond the country side that the adults refuse to talk about. He went out in the dead of night with a small parcel of bread and cheese for nourishment. It was that night that he made a name for himself in the world. He decided that he would be called Fortney. He now didn't belong to his small village anymore for he had a name different from all the others in his village. He was no longer called commoner or farmboy but a consecutive name. He was no longer part of the crowd.
This was now his journey to find a person who shared his forbidden love for music.
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The princess was desperatly, secretly, scouring the country for a man who she may be able to bear spending the remainder of her life. She knew that the day she came of age, which was coming very soon considering the task, that her father would wed her to the first man that was not a complete drunkard and be done with her. So she must make certain that the first man that her father comes to is the man that she wants to be with for the rest of her life. Definetly not the easiest of jobs.
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Fortney knew nothing of the fact that the land he was entering was a fatal enemy of his own land. He knew nothing of the fact that there were people who did not look the same as himself and those people were extremely talented at treating people different from themselves like oxen.
He waltzed into Cyanosis completely unsuspecting that he was about face severe prejudice for the place that he was born. He didn't even know the meaning of prejudice. He had no clue that people were even mean. He was naive.
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The princess began wandering the dungeons during her days. She figured that there she could sing herself songs with out anyone finding out, besides prisoners but what did they matter, and think of what to do with her life. She would wander for hours looking at the prisoners in all their despair and agony, knowing that thats what would happen to her if she even slipped up and sang one music note in front of someone.




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HAI! Welcome to YWS! :smt039
Glad to be yer first review :D I'm very active on the site so if you ever have a question, feel free to PM me;D

First thing: Make sure you know about the 2:1 ratio!


Once upon a time there was a land called Cyanotica

This is a very cliche way to start off a piece. Very common and used quite a lot. I think that you should consider rewriting it. Open with something that keeps readers attracted and hooked, not setting a scene for a bed time story. You know?


Cyanotica.Cyanotica

You need a space after the period, doll.


Cyanotica was a beautiful land filled with extinct creatures like dodo birds.

This is your first description of the this beautiful place, right? I think instead of talking about extinct animals like dodo birds, point out something even more exquisite than extinct animals.


As with every land there was a ruler, namely a king, and as any man normally does he had a lovely wife, if you wish to call her such, quite a few sons and a beautiful daughter, she was beautiful by any standards even the dodo birds thought her pretty but thats not saying much.

This is indeed a run-on sentence. You must chop this baby up at once d;


The king however was something of a pig himself not at all domesticated.

There should be a coma after 'king' and 'however'. Another coma after 'himself'.


He was ashamed that he had a daughter at all let alone a beautiful one.

Once again, a coma after 'all'.


In this kingdom there wasn't very many rules, laws, or bans. From anything. The king was somewhat neglectent.

This is short and choppy. I think you should combine them to make them flow easier, si?


But thats not an important part of this story.

Never, ever, ever, ever start a sentence with a conjunction! (:


secret desire to find some one person

Remove 'person'.


, even more so than bass, with the princess from enemy lands. It was to be true, but difficult, forbidden love.

Rewrite the 'even more so than bass' part because at this point it doesn't sound like proper english. Also the last sentence seems to give the story away. It seems to me you're doing a Shakespeare type writing where you explain the whole story first, then go into detail. If not, then remove that so you don't spoil anything! (:


The commoner wasn't much by day he completed his chores exactly as instructed, never one thing messed up even a little.

Oi, oi, oi... all right. Here we go:
The commoner wasn't much by day. He always completed his chores exactly as instructed and always made sure nothing was out of place, even a little.
Or something like that. See how I split them up and changed some words to make it flow better? I think you should rewrite this.


her family, her friends. But her father, the part of him that she knew and loved, was dead to her.

Two things.
1_ take out that coma and make it 'and'.
2_ Also, take out the 'but'.


He could not, would

Change the coma to a dash.


Definetly not the easiest of jobs.

I would consider taking this out. You don't have to but I'd suggest it.


thats



Overall
I didn't entirely enjoy it. It seemed rushed and fast. You had a lot of mistakes that made it seem like you didn't go back and read over your work. I suggest that next time you post, you read over and correct mistakes that could easily be seen. Also, instead of switching back and forth between the boy and girl, maybe one post should be about the girl and the next post be about the boy. If you have any questions, feel free to PM me like I said in the beginning of this review. Keep writing!

-Olivia
A little less inhuman.
A little more brutal.
Let the blood be your drug.



GET YER EYES AWAY FROM MY EYE SOCKETS >.>
— herbalhour