Just thoughts I wrote a while back, while feeling very strange. What do you think?
---
So suddenly I became disappointed with reality. The modern society and what we have created it to be just doesn’t seem at all fun. It’s… hollow, somehow. Unimaginative, not concentrating on things that actually matter, for me. The modern society, humanity - Cold, like a machine – Like a community of robots, it doesn’t know why it keeps on expanding.
Why am I here anyway?
I want something else than this. We never stop to think on whether what we’re doing has a point. I study to get educated so I can have a job and get ahead in ‘life’. I work to get money to use in simple pleasures and everyday conveniences. But seriously now, what can you get to fill a spiritual vacuum, or whatever this is, these days? A sense of purpose, where do you look for it? Religion? Relationships?
I’ve always wanted to be helpful and kind. But what is the point of being helpful and kind to all these people who just wander around and toe the line, never questioning whether there’s anything we’ve done and labored to build has any value… Maybe I should find a different way of helping them. Although I’m quite confused by this feeling myself.
Where do you go when even social relations start to seem lacking when you see how… Content everyone is to just be like this? Going after money, status, power, acceptance, whatever, hoping to satisfy… What? What indeed…
Where do you find something of value? What do I want, deep down?
Here I am, complaining how everyone else is wrong, without being able to express what I even want in the first place. I find myself unable to. It’s just a feeling.
I just want something more… More than simply being loved and accepted, more than to be helpful, kind, intelligent… I want to… to…
To…
Damn it.
I want inner peace! Make it stop…
What a dilemma, I don’t even know whether I want something or whether I want this feeling to go away.
Maybe I just want something more to do than advance within the rules of this society. But what more is there to become than whatever I want and am capable of in the modern world?
What –else- is there?
I’m restless. There’s got to be an answer, come on. Think…
Is there a god? I wish there was. Because I think I want to know the why to everything… I just feel completely detached, otherworldly… Like I long to be somewhere far away, some other dimension where things are beautiful, magical, mysterious. Where I really could be free. Free? Or where I’d be able to pursue more goals than my life here has set me?
I guess everything’s stale here. Nothing’s really new, everything’s been found, there’s nothing really exciting… Everything there is to do just feels pointless and so very dull. Even science is just specifying everything. And they say we know so little… I guess this is some kind of a ‘Back to Nature’ sensation. Maybe I’d be happier that way.
Is that what paradise is like? Where you can roam freely without inconvenience in search for ‘more’? Or having found ‘more’… It might be.
I’d hate to come to the conclusion that yes, this is, in fact, all there is. Maybe I can’t name what the ‘more than this’ I want is because I simply don’t know what more there could be?
Could someone please tell me?
