Sick Puppy part 2

This basically takes off from where I left off, and it's a bit more mellow. But if you stick with, me, it'll get more exciting Please tell me if it's too cliche, I don't have much experience in romance.


By the time I got back to my place, it seemed as if she was done with throwing up for the night. She looked more lucid and I wanted to talk to her, to find out if there was anyone I could call. I plonked her down on my black leather sofa and stood, indecisive for a moment, then sat beside her.
“Is there anyone I can call, someone to come get you?”
She looked down at her feet and I noticed that she had left her heels somewhere on the street.
“No. Not really.” In the silence of the room I was surprised at how posh her voice sounded. She could’ve been a news reporter.
“Well, there’s only one bed so-“
“Are you trying to seduce me?” Her voice was slurring again now, her tongue tripping over itself.
“Oh, well, vomit isn’t really my favourite flavour of woman. I was going to say if you get cleaned up you can sleep on the couch. That is, unless you still want to use my phone?” I was hoping she would and hoping she wouldn’t.
“Where’s the shower?”
I guessed that she had the capacity to wash her self by now, even if she wouldn’t be walking anywhere by herself till morning. I helped her up; her skin felt cool and damp from her sweat and the night air. Maybe if we had met in other circumstances, I would be seducing her right now. I showed her to the bathroom and let her be, closing the door but keeping my ears open for any sound of distress. I wondered how she would feel when she woke up the next morning. Would she remember; would she feel ashamed? Would she apologise to me, walk out like nothing had happened or ask me how she could ever repay me? I snorted at that last one. Sounded like some shit you read in a fantasy story. Girls in real life either had class and treated you like shit, or had no class and let you treat them like shit. I had an inkling Maria was one of the classy ones.

The door creaked open behind me. I turned to see her, her curls damp and falling around her shoulders, her body wrapped in one of my bathroom towels. With the light from the bath room behind her and the cheap make-up and vomit washed away, she looked a hundred times better. Yep, she was one of the classy ones, even in her present state. I got off the couch and pulled the top blanket off my bed. I laid it down on the couch, even though I knew she would have climb under it.
“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Her voice startled me. For a few moments, I seemed to be under the impression I was entertaining a mute goddess.
“Oh yeah, the complimentary mints under your pillow. Sorry, but this isn’t a hotel, just a place to crash for the night.” My harsh words spilled out without me thinking. This girl was really messing me up. I turned my back to her, cursing that I lived in such a small apartment. I walked over to my bed and started to undress, knowing that she could be looking the other way, at the blank TV, but that her eyes were following me. Casing me like a house she was going to steal from. I pulled my shirt over my head, feeling it grate against the roughness of my stubbly cheek. So what if she was looking, I didn’t care. I wasn’t a body builder, but I was fit enough to impress most women. Not that she’d even remember in the morning. I felt a sudden aching in my stomach, a longing for her to come to me. Come to me and put her hands around me, kiss my neck and whisper in my ear. To sleep with her beside me, a warm body breathing in my bed. I didn’t want to seduce her. That was desperate trickery, all smoke and mirrors. I wanted her to come to me, trusting me, knowing I that was a good bloke. Like that was going to happen. I got into bed, noticing that while I was facing the other way she’d climbed under the blanket and closed her eyes, drifting on the edge of sleep.
“Goodnight.”
“Mmm, night.” she mumbled. I got into my bed, pulling what was left of my covers over me. I propped myself up in bed, trying to convince myself I was just staying awake so I could help her if she got ill again. But really I just wanted to watch her face as she slept.

I absoulutley LOVE IT!! The only part I found confusing is when she told him he forgot something, and she never TOLD him what he forgot. This portrays her as the kind of character that is embarassed easily. Unless this is part of the story line.

BUT anyway, I absoulutley love this. Don't stop.

Its Amazing!
I've never read anything like it!
Keep Writing- your work is great.

I also got confused with the "Aren't you forgetting something?" part. And then at the end... Did she get into the bed with him? Or was she on the couch? I'm guessing she was on the bed, but it'd be nice if you could clarify that a little bit.


Anyway, keep it coming! And keep PMing me when you post more.

He forgot to give her some clothes. Hmm, maybe that's not as obvious as I thought.

By the time I got back to my place, it seemed as if she was done with throwing up for the night. She looked more lucid and I wanted to talk to her, to find out if there was anyone I could call.

I plonked her down on my black leather sofa and stood, indecisive for a moment, then sat beside her.

Plonked doesn't fit nicely here, try I set, or I dropped. That might polish it up more! XD

“Is there anyone I can call, someone to come get you?”

She looked down at her feet and I noticed that she had left her heels somewhere on the street.

That's a big assumption, she might have left them in the house/apartment somewhere. Yoiu should have her say that, not assume it. I am liking this so far!

“No. Not really.” In the silence of the room I was surprised at how posh her voice sounded. She could’ve been a news reporter. -- Nice. XD

“Well, there’s only one bed so-“

“Are you trying to seduce me?” Her voice was slurring again now, her tongue tripping over itself.

This was some great imagery of the situation, I love it!

“Oh, well, vomit isn’t really my favourite flavour of woman. I was going to say if you get cleaned up you can sleep on the couch. That is, unless you still want to use my phone?” I was hoping she would and hoping she wouldn’t.

“Where’s the shower?”

I guessed that she had the [s]capacity[/s]

-- switch 'capacity' with ability, capacity doesn't work here. It sounds better as ability.

to wash her self by now, even if she wouldn’t be walking anywhere by herself till morning. I helped her up; her skin felt cool and damp from her sweat and the night air. Maybe if we had met in other circumstances, I would be seducing her right now. I showed her to the bathroom and let her be, closing the door but keeping my ears open for any sound of distress. I wondered how she would feel when she woke up the next morning.

Would she remember; would she feel ashamed? Would she apologise to me, walk out like nothing had happened or ask me how she could ever repay me?

This is good, however it should be italicized

I snorted at that last one. Sounded like some [s]shit [/s]you read in a fantasy story. Girls in real life either had class and treated you like [s]shit[/s], or had no class and let you treat them like [s]shit[/s]. I had an inkling Maria was one of the classy ones.

The word sh** just ruined it for me. The use of that word just came in very rough, please, please take it out! It just makes this story very "Unatractive" to me.

The door creaked open behind me. I turned to see her, her curls damp and falling around her shoulders, her body wrapped in one of my bathroom towels. With the light from the bath room behind her and the cheap make-up and vomit washed away, she looked a hundred times better. Yep, she was one of the classy ones, even in her present state. I got off the couch and pulled the top blanket off my bed.

I laid it down on the couch, even though I knew she would have [s]climb[/s] climbed under it.

“Aren’t you forgetting something?” Her voice

CodeSelect all

startled

Startled? use something else. startled doesn't seem right. Try started or began.me. For a few moments, I seemed to be under the impression I was entertaining a mute goddess. Mute goddess, nice. XD

“Oh yeah, the complimentary mints under your pillow. Sorry, but this isn’t a hotel, just a place to crash for the night.” My harsh words spilled out without me thinking. This girl was really messing me up. I turned my back to her, cursing that I lived in such a small apartment. I walked over to my bed and started to undress, knowing that she could be looking the other way, at the blank TV, but that her eyes were following me. Casing me like a house she was going to steal from. I pulled my shirt over my head, feeling it grate against the roughness of my stubbly cheek. So what if she was looking, I didn’t care. I wasn’t a body builder, but I was fit enough to impress most women. Not that she’d even remember in the morning. I felt a sudden aching in my stomach, a longing for her to come to me. Come to me and put her hands around me, kiss my neck and whisper in my ear. To sleep with her beside me, a warm body breathing in my bed. I didn’t want to seduce her. That was desperate trickery, all smoke and mirrors. I wanted her to come to me, trusting me, knowing I that was a good bloke.

Like that was going to happen.

Italicize that. It's a thought, not a piece of diaoluge. Thoughts are always italicized, always.

I got into bed, noticing that while I was facing the other way she’d climbed under the blanket and closed her eyes, drifting on the edge of sleep.

“Goodnight.”

“Mmm, night.” she mumbled. I got into my bed, pulling what was left of my covers over me. I propped myself up in bed, trying to convince myself I was just staying awake so I could help her if she got ill again. But really I just wanted to watch her face as she slept.


Wouldn't she hear the other girl get in bed? The bed might have creaked of her footsteps would have echoed?



Ducati! I liked this, I think this was my first time reading a romance here on YWS! You've done it justice, I might read some more romance. I thought this was very well written, aside from the minor mistakes and such. I will continue to read this, I'm interested in what happens next. There wasn't really much to say against this. It was good.


*Gold Star* -- Which doesn't happen a lot from me. XD


All the best,


---Jon---

Here as requested!

By the time I got back to my place, it seemed as if she was done with throwing up for the night.

I read the first bit, and it seemed to be that way at the end. You're repeating yourself.

“Are you trying to seduce me?” Her voice was slurring again now, her tongue tripping over itself.

Show a little of the slurring. I don't like having to reread dialogue because the tags contradicts the words/tone. But only show us a little; don't overdo it.

“Oh, well, vomit isn’t really my favourite flavour of woman. I was going to say if you get cleaned up you can sleep on the couch. That is, unless you still want to use my phone?”

This feels really unnatural to me. Sentence 1 is a huge culprit. I couldn't imagine anybody saying that out loud. Rework!

Would she apologise to me, walk out like nothing had happened or ask me how she could ever repay me? I snorted at that last one.

With the way you've set up these questions, it is very unclear what "the last one" is.

Sounded like some shit you read in a fantasy story.

I highly dislike reading swear words in prose. That goes for everything.

Girls in real life either had class and treated you like shit, or had no class and let you treat them like shit.

One very dangerous assumtion here.

For a few moments, I seemed to be under the impression I was entertaining a mute goddess.

The tense is off here. This should be past or past perfect.

I turned my back to her, cursing that I lived in such a small apartment.

So there are no doors? Tell us if it's a one bedroom or bachaler apartment. And, couldn't he just change in the bathroom?

I walked over to my bed and started to undress, knowing that she could be looking the other way, at the blank TV, but that her eyes were following me.

This is confusing to me, expecially the bit after "but." Methinks you are missing a word or two there.

Casing me like a house she was going to steal from.

Huh? No idea what you mean by this.

I wanted her to come to me, trusting me, knowing I that was a good bloke.

"Bloke" really threw me. We don't have much (if any) British language in here, and suddenly you put it in. Either add more Brit talk, or replace this.

I got into my bed, pulling what was left of my covers over me. I propped myself up in bed, trying to convince myself I was just staying awake so I could help her if she got ill again.

"Bed" is used twice in two sentences, practially right on top of each other. Replace one with a pronoun.

Overall- I can't give you much here, since romance isn't my thing, but I really find the MC's personality thin. He feels cut-'n-dried, not really thought through.

Hope I helped.

~Rosey

Hey Ducati. Sorry about chat--

I had an inkling Maria was one of the classy ones.

Er, what is it that made him think this? The bad trip/drunkenness? I just don't see why he would think she is classy. Perhaps explain. Maybe it's in her appearance? I'm not sure where you're getting it from, so explain.

With the light from the bath room behind her

Bathroom is one word.

I was a little uncertain for a while how much time has elapsed between him bringing her into the house and when she becomes coherant. I would just like to know, because I wonder how long it took her to become coherant. If she sobered up right away, or if she was actually having a bad trip and absolutely trashed -- I just want to know these things, because it seems she should have genuinely been trashed and awful for him to take her home. And, if she was, then it would take her a while to become coherant. Anyway, the time elapsed is always nice to point out.

Also, though I think this is mostly written well, I wish you would express more why it is that he likes her so much, and continues to like her. You say he wants to just look at her face at the end. Why? What does her face look like, what is so beautiful/desired about it? The bud of some sort of romance is there, but you need to linger on it more, explain why it is he seems so fixated on her, beyond that fact that she's a helpless girl in need of help, or perhaps more of the fact that he is attracted to her because she does genuinely need someone to help her.

PM me if you have questions. Keep writing!

~ Clo