The Thorn on the Rose

Unwind my fingers
From around your wrists.
Push my face away,
And tell me it's for the best.
Tell me you don't deserve me.
Tell me my skin smells like roses,
And my heartbeat is music.
But don't you see?
This rain cloud over my head
Disappears when you're here.
And that infectious smile
Is like moonbeams -
Magic and bright;
Lovely like the light in the dark,
Wonderful like water over a wound.
You're the waterfall in the river.
You're the thorn on the rose.
You're the thunder in the storm.
You're beautiful,
Dangerous,
Seductively deceptive.
And I'm left wondering
If the lies are the truth,
And if you really know who I am.
Because I can't believe anything
But the sound of your voice,
The smell of your breath,
And the softness of your skin.
So why do you push me away
If I'm the night and you're the moon?
Don't we need each other?
Don't we believe in love anymore?
Don't we believe in belief?

Explosive_Pen wrote:Unwind my fingers
From around your wrists scratch the around.
Push my face away, push away my face would sound better.
And tell me it's for the best. Telling me it's for the best would sound better.
Tell me you don't deserve me. reveal would be better than tell
Tell me my skin smells like roses, say would sound better than tell
And my heartbeat is music.
But don't you see? I'd put this line in italics.
This rain cloud over my head scratch the 'rain'. it is way too cliche.
Disappears when you're here. dissipates in your presence is how I'd say it.
And that infectious smile
Is like moonbeams - something doesn't sound quite right here.
Magic and bright;
Lovely like the light in the dark,
Wonderful like water over a wound.
You're the waterfall in the river.
You're the thorn on the rose.
You're the thunder in the storm.
You're beautiful, for an extra amount of bang, you could play with italics in this area.
Dangerous,
Seductively deceptive.
And I'm left wondering
If the lies are the truth,
And if you really know who I am.
Because I can't believe anything
But the sound of your voice,
The smell of your breath,
And the softness of your skin.
So why do you push me away
If I'm the night and you're the moon?
Don't we need each other?
Don't we believe in love anymore?
Don't we believe in belief?

[i[/i][b]

The reason I didn't put anything at the end is because the end seems to be very good. I liked it, but you do need to work on your synonyms, okay.
Cheers!
--Vox

Honestly, you're probably the best thirteen year old poet I know. You work always gets to me. You can't improve perfection.
Keep writing. You, my friend, have some real talent.
- fragile_heart(!)

When I was reading your poem, I noticed that a few lines seemed cliche to me. Hopefully you know what I am talking about?

This rain cloud over my head
Disappears when you're here.

I also found that when you kept writing You're and starting that with every line that it got unbelieably boring, I can understand maybe doing that once or twice but it goes on and on. It starts looking like a list of what the person is instead of a poem. Also you have some amazing metaphors and you end that with your beautiful, it doesn't seem to fit with all the metaphors that you provide.

You're the waterfall in the river.
You're the thorn on the rose.
You're the thunder in the storm.
You're beautiful,

Also when you are writing poetry, especially love poetry, you don't want to ask so many questions. You want to be answering the questions that you may have, not loading down the reader with them.

Don't we need each other?
Don't we believe in love anymore?
Don't we believe in belief?

Imagery:
You have some great imagery going on in this poem. You also have some amazing metaphors and you are certainly not lacking in this area. Oftentimes I find that I have to encourage the reader to put these in, but you do it masterfully. And at your age, although, I am learning that alot of the time that age doesn't particularly sometimes affect the writing, you are doing fantastic.

Structure and Flow:
The structure of your poem appears just fine to me. I can't see that much wrong with it so good job there. I'm pleased to see that you don't rhyme your poems as many people do. And that you make it work good without the rhyme. The flow of your poem was great, and easy to read.

Overall:
Amazing job! You are on the way to becoming a great poet. I liked the poem and it wasn't difficult for me to read. Practice makes perfect, and its obvious that you have practiced. The best of luck with your writing,
~Alyss

Thanks for the advice! I'll work on it.