Never Coming Back (Punk Rock)

Never Coming Back

(Bell)

(First Person sings calm and lightly):

As I look through the window
I see the beautiful stars of light
Hoping that you had there a safe flight

Every time I lay at my bed
I can’t think and the pain grows in my head
Why did you have to go?

(Second Person Roars and screams):

NOW I AM DIEING ALONE!!!!

(First Person sings calm and lightly):

Why did you have to go too fast?
Sad that I can’t fix the past
Every time I look into the skies
I can’t fined the place where my dear precious love flies

(Second Person Roars and screams):

NOW I AM DIEING ALONE!!!!
NOW MY LIFE IS CRACKING LIKE STONE!!!!
MIGHTY GOD WHY, WHY?

(First Person sings calm and lightly):

One day I was going through you’re room
The colors of your wall use to have the power fullest bloom
I opened the closet where we used to play
We were hiding from the angry world all day
I fined your beautiful dress colored champaign
I can’t believe it you still kept it since 8th grade
But why you had to go without a campaign?

(Second Person Roars and screams):

NOW I AM DIEING ALONE!!!!

(First Person sings calm and lightly):

Why did you have to go too fast?
Sad that I can’t fix the past
Every time I look into the skies
I can’t fined the place where my dear precious love flies

(Second Person Roars and screams):

NOW I AM DIEING ALONE!!!!
WHY DID YOU HAVE TO GO?

(First Person sings calm and lightly):

Every night I can’t close my eyes
I want to have a feeling that my body dies
The world is not rite without a sweet angel like you are
I hope you can see me over form a lightened star

But then I hear a squeak

(Second Person Roars and screams):

PLEASE BE THERE (Not a hard roar)

(First Person sings calm and lightly):

I walk down the stairs
I am afraid but I got nothing to loose so who cares?
The shattering noise is in the kitchen
I feel something richen
I begin to yell

(Second Person Roars and screams):

PLEASE STAY!!!
DON’T GO AWAY!!!

(First Person sings calm and lightly):

Why did you have to go too fast?
Sad that I can’t fix the past
Every time I look into the skies
I can’t fined the place where my dear precious love flies

I feel something cold hugging
I begin crying
Baby don’t go away form me
Then I hear a soft whisper (Whisper)
Go on with you life
Suddenly I felt it was my wife
She continuous I will always be next to you
Just feel your heart and strongly hue

I shall live my life

(Second Person Roars and screams):

THE PAIN MUST DIE!!!


(First Person sings calm and lightly):

Why did you have to go too fast?
Sad that I can’t fix the past
Every time I look into the skies
I can’t fined the place where my dear precious love flies

Flies…

Hey there Lord Gluz! June here!

This made me laugh, silly, you did a good job here. It's probably just the "Second person roars and screams" that is making this sound so humorous to me, but it's quite funny.

Is this a rock song? With the roaring and screaming, that's all I can imagine it to be.

You've got the forced rhyme thing going on in there. It's a bit disagreeable, but since I can't look at this seriously right now with the roaring and screaming, it's fine.

Okay, because I'm finding this funny instead of a serious heartbreak song, this probably isn't the best time for me to be reviewing this. Every few words I type makes me laugh, and I have no idea why.


Sorry for not being much help! The roaring and screaming kind of took away my abilities.

Good job, though! Keep writing.


xxJune

If I was nice, I'd call this screamo. If I wasn't, I'd call it emo.

It's kind of odd having someone singing sweetly and lightly and then someone randomly screaming. I guess it's a lot like something My Chemical Romance would write. (You should hear them if you haven't already.)

So I liked it. It was laughable the way you said screaming and roaring. If I heard someone screaming "I'M DYING ALONE!" I wouldn't be sure if I would a) laugh uncontrollably or b) sob uncontrollably. I'm leaning towards A. Don't take that offensively. I actually liked it.

X Forever Threnody

First the added bold words detract from the writing (just a personal quirk), it is hard to focus on the writing itself when every verse has this bolded font hanging over it. Perhaps it would have been better to explain in a short paragraph beforehand at the top how you wanted each set to be heard. Another thing (again this is a personal quirk) is the caps, one or two exclamation marks would suffice enough but with random caps in the lines it makes the read rough.

Okay, now onto the piece. Overall I liked the simplistic emotions conveyed through this, you had some real powerful words that I think could have been far more powerful without all the "eye candy". With this piece it wasn't hard to figure out what the motivation was, but at the same time a few lines hit on cliche specifically "Now I am dieing alone!!"...after the first two times it was used that line lost a lot of power. Aside from the few problems I had with this it is otherwise flawless, the writing flows well and the emotion is very well conveyed. Honestly this community is quite shocking too me, I started writing at about the same age the lot of you are and wasn't even near as good. Which is awesome to see the caliber of writers here, keep it up love the reads.

Thank you for the comments. But can any of you 3 explain to me why you think it was funny? Or why you thought the screaming was funny?

If it wasn't for the added "Roars and screams" then it wouldn't have been so. Adding them made it additionally distracting. (The bold didn't help)