What Now?

What now?
I've always come to expect another bruise,
Whenever you show up.
What are you going to use this time?
Your fist, foot, or the bat?
What have I done this time?
Did I look at you the wrong way?
Or did I insult your intelligence?
I never seem to understand what I did,
Or how to fix it.
So now you're back,
Your shadow looming over me ,
Blocking all light from my world.
Apparently, this time, I have existed.
I swallow and hold my breath,
Readying myself for a beating I don't deserve.
I'm laying still, looking at a face that I've seen forever.
As you raise your fist, preparing yourself for many more,
I say, "I'm sorry, Dad."
And I crumble as your fist smashes into my stomach.

See, this is a really sad poem. I think it could be incredible if properly executed. You've got the bases of a good poem, but in some ways it lacks. I think you should add some more imagery. Use figurative language as well as concrete facts, etc. Paint the scene for us, what you can see, feel, hear. In this poem you need to talk about your feelings and emotions. If you do so you shall get your emotions across perfectly. Tell us how the person feels, what the person is thinking, by using means such as these you will show us your emotions. Tell us how it feels and we will empathise with your character. In a poem such as this we need to empathise or it is completely futile, well, you get your emotions out but we don't get your emotions. In this poem it is important that we know the emotions and such. We must be able to empathise in this situation. Now; onto your poem:

What now?

I've always come to expect another bruise,

Whenever you show up.

What are you going to use this time?

Your fist? foot? or the bat?

In this first few lines I think you should have some emotions, some thoughts, or feelings. Or you should have some imagery. Otherwise we won't want to carry on reading.

What have I done this time?

Did I look at you the wrong way?

Or did I insult your intelligence?

I never seem to understand what i did,

Or how to fix it, you always seem to change your mind.

This line is too long and disrupts the flow, also you should use imagery here, or somewhere near here, basically, just make sure you use it at some point.

So now you're back,

Your shadow looming over me ,

Blocking all light from my world.

Apparently, this time, I have "existed."

I swallow and hold my breath,

Reading myself for a beating I don't deserve.

Reading? Do you mean readying?

I'm laying still, looking at a face that I've seen forever.

After this line I think you should use some description. Use imagery to explain what his face looks like. Conjure up some images in our heads.

As you raise your fist, preparing yourself for many more,

I say, "I'm sorry, Dad."

And I crumble as your fist connects with my stomach.

The last line is actually pretty good. However, I don't think connects fits, it doesn't connect, does it? Connect gives the impression of something fitting with something else, but instead it's more like something hitting something else out of place, if you get what I mean (I make no sense!)

Okay; on the plus side this poem is good! On an even better side, this poem has potential to be great! You just need to make us feel for your character, make us understand the emotions, the thoughts and feelings, the sights and smells, the sounds and such. Make us empathise for your character. Without empathy poems would be very hard to understand.

Three key things;

Expand your poem - make it a bit longer.

Add imagery - use figurative language and such to make it more interesting.

Use feelings - use feelings and thoughts and emotions to help us empathise with your character. Make sure you have the perfect balance between plain facts and the base of the poem, imagery and emotions. That way your poem will be great.

You've got all the foundations of a great poet, work on that and you will be amazing,


Hope I helped
~Kirsten
xoxo

What now?

I've always come to expect another bruise,

Whenever you show up.

What are you going to use this time?

Your fist? foot? or the bat?

The last line needs some punctuation. All the question marks in there..well, they don't look like they belong there. I think that it should look like this:

Your fist, foot, or the bat?

What have I done this time?

Did I look at you the wrong way?

Or did I insult your intelligence?

I never seem to understand what I did,

Or how to fix it.

I think that instead of putting did, on the fourth line in this stanza, you should put do. It would really make more sense and flow better.

So now you're back,

Your shadow looming over me ,

Blocking all light from my world.

Apparently, this time, I have "existed."

I swallow and hold my breath,

Readying myself for a beating I don't deserve.

I think that the last line in this stanza is a little bit too long. It messes with the rhythm of the poem. Also, the quotation marks on exsisted should be taken away.

I'm laying still, looking at a face that I've seen forever.

As you raise your fist, preparing yourself for many more,

I say, "I'm sorry, Dad."

And I crumble as your fist connects with my stomach.

Okay, these last lines are way too long. Also the second line sounds awkward. You have spoke in first person and then you go to second person you. It threw me off, and I had to read the line a few times to get it.

Overall:

I do think that you shoudl add more descriptions, imagery, metaphors. It would really add to the poem. Some emotion in a bigger dose would also be really well. When an author writes a story, they want the readers to fell the emotion.

With some editing, this poem could be great. Sad, but beautifully. It takes practice. Good luck and keep writing.

~Alyss

Hmm, this one really got to me.

I like it. A lot actually.

"I'm laying still, looking at a face that I've seen forever.

As you raise your fist, preparing yourself for many more,

I say, "I'm sorry, Dad."

And I crumble as your fist connects with my stomach."

The only thing I have to say is how it ends. It feels as though it ends really flat.

It starts to build up, about to release the tensions, and as if the reel to a movie was

cut, it just kinda ends. Now this is only my view, so just giving you an idea.

How sad...
Father abusing child..
People like them don't deserve children...
It was a really nice really sad poem..
I can't help with punctuation and all that jazz since I suck at it...
Sorry..

It is really a sad poem. The message I really understand. However, I don't think that the emotions were conveyed too well. I think the first person who reviewed said all you need to add. At the same time though, the way you used question in your poem was really, really effective. I suppose you could use the questions and just add imagery. It was a great read.