The Golden Skinned People

For countless days and nights,
the mighty ship drifted,
attacked from every corner,
the waves below,
the storms above,
the winds outside,
the hunger inside.

A shape appeared on the horizon,
the crew rejoiced.
"Land at last!"
The captain turned his course,
to the island that twinkled in the setting sun.
As they drew near, the crew saw trees,
covered in fruit, green, yellow, red.

As the crew crawled over the beach towards the fruit,
they lost their strength, and they looked at each other.
Countless days and nights of hunger had given them death's image.
They looked across the thin desert towards the colourful jungle,
some remained hopeful, and climbed to the jungle's base,
but none could climb to the fruits above them,
And they gave up, resigned to die.

From the darkness came the natives of the island,
golden skinned people, their physical features were perfect,
as were their benevolent hearts.
The golden skinned people climbed the trees, like primitive apes,
and held the fruits to the mighty ship's crew's mouths.
They carried buckets of clean water to the beach,
and quenched the crew's thirst.

With their strength back, the crew followed the golden skinned people,
leaning upon their shoulders when fatigue overcame them once more.
To a village they were taken, where the children played without fear,
of predators, disease or twisted kin.
For a time the crew stayed, to recover,
and the natives welcomed them as one of their tribe,
and they continued to share their fruits.

The captain wished he could stay forever, but he had duties to attend to.
He was to discover a wonder of the world, and present it to his King.
The golden skinned people were sad to see him go,
but they knew it had to be.
As the captain and a handful of his crew prepared to leave,
a golden skinned woman approached the captain,
and asked to see the world beyond.

The captain warned her of the perils he had to endure on his travels,
and he told her that the grass was greenest in her home.
But he did not deny her a place aboard the mighty ship,
and she became the first golden skinned person to leave paradise.
Yet many of the crew refused to go back home,
"We have suffered much to find this eutopia,
let us remain here, where we are happiest."

For those who left, countless days and nights at sea followed,
and the crew of the mighty ship worried,
that they would never see their home again.
His faith destroyed, the captain abandoned his duty,
and headed home.
In a dire state, the mighty ship arrived at the ports,
of the imperial centre it had come from.

The captain bowed before his King,
and the King said,
"What wonders have you encountered?"
The captain hid his tears as he considered who to betray.
"My King," he said, "to you I bring an angel."
He ordered the golden skinned woman to be brought before the King,
and the King gasped.

The King was enchanted by the golden skinned woman,
and he declared,
"She shall be my wife, so as to bless my heirs with the beauty of heaven."
The King came to love the golden skinned woman's heart,
and she bore children for him.
But she failed to bear a son, a suitable heir according to the ancient laws.
Soon she desired to go home, and was overcome with grief.

Unable to bear the foreign dystopia that had become her home,
she waited until her husband was asleep,
and drew his sword,
and, weeping, trembling, stabbed herself through the heart.
Upon finding her, the King attempted to do the same,
but the captain wrestled the King's sword from his grasp.
In spite, the King sentenced the captain to death.

On the night before his execution,
the King visited the captain in his cell,
and gave him a proposition.
"Find another golden skinned woman for me,
and I shall spare your life."
The captain answered,
"My King, I will bring back all the golden skinned women in the world, if you let me live."

For countless days and nights,
the captain searched for the island of the golden skinned people,
attacked from every corner,
the tentacles of the abyss,
the blinding spears of the heavens,
the sweeping breath of the tempests,
the daggers of sin, biting his soul.

The stars led him to the island,
so that he could walk with ease upon arriving at the shore.
The golden skinned people ran to the shore,
accompanied by rebellious ex-sailors.
As the captain's men raised their guns,
the golden skinned people, not knowing what they held, shouted in joy,
while the captain's estranged kin shouted in despair.

The beach was covered in blood, and strewn with bodies.
Among them were none of the loyal crew.
They put the women on the island in chains, and took them to the mighty ship,
and the golden skinned men were slaughtered.
Knowing that the journey back would be long, and their food supplies were low,
the captain ordered for all fruit on the island to be brought aboard,
along with the flesh of the golden skinned corpses.

Countless days and nights at sea followed,
the crew did not touch the meat of the golden skinned men,
for a time.
But as the stock of fruit ran low,
they reluctantly resorted to cannibalising their angelic kin.
They discovered that they tasted as good as their appearance and personality,
and the captain put some aside for the King.

The golden skinned women were displayed in front of the King,
and he decided which was to be the new Queen.
The rest were given to nobles, or used for other guilty pleasures.
The King invited the captain to a private meal for his valour,
promising him the best food his empire could provide.
The captain replied, "but, my King, do you not wish to taste,
the best the world can provide?"

The last remaining meat of the golden skinned men was brought before the King,
and he fed well on it, savouring its perfect taste and texture.
"Captain, you have given me not one but two wonders! Where was this from?"
The captain, made drunk as much from the King's drinks as from glory,
answered truthfully.
Horrified, the King nevertheless desired more,
and he asked the captain to provide more of the golden skinned food.

The captain told the King that the source had been destroyed,
and that now only golden skinned women lived.
In a rage, the King seized his sons,
all of whom had been born from his golden skinned first wife,
and butchered them.
He tasted them, and, satisfied, he declared,
"all men born from golden skinned women shall be raised as pigs and eaten!"

So it was the empire underwent a golden age,
and their exports of golden skinned meat brought countless gold back.
Golden skinned women were bought and sold like precious jewels,
and half their offspring raised as farm animals,
fattened, slaughtered, eaten.
At first they were the food of the rich, a rare luxury,
but their numbers increased, and even the poor could enjoy their exquisite taste.

Countless years followed, and the captain retired.
The King, grateful for his contribution to the empire, rewarded him greatly,
"I shall give you a golden skinned wife, and you shall dine in my palace!"
The captain stared at the meat on his plate, and then at his wife,
who had given birth to a son, only to have him taken away and farmed.
The captain cut the golden skinned meat, shining yellow juices oozing out.
Daggers bit away at his heart, his mind, his soul.

The captain tasted the golden skinned meat, and spat it out.
The King's court gasped, shocked, disgusted, but many soon found themselves doing the same.
Their imperfect blood had tainted that of the golden skinned people,
and their meat had become sour, bitter, difficult to swallow.
They glared at those who continued to eat what remained of the golden meat.
Jealously, they picked up their knives, and fought viciously for the meat,
and the palace walls were spilt with blood.

The King escaped, with the captain and the Queen.
Scenes of violence appeared from all around,
for the meat had become a rarity around the world.
Countless days and nights of anarchy followed,
as the King hid from the terrible forces of gluttony.
Nevertheless, he was found by hungry bandits, and barely escaped alive,
but his Queen was shot, and fell to the floor, slain.

In the hills of his ruined kingdom, on a moonlit night,
the King turned towards the captain, his sword drawn,
blaming the captain for cursing his empire, and the world.
"This was your doing!" the captain cried.
The captain drew his sabre, and engaged his former master in a duel.
In anger he wept, and horror trembled,
but his blade soon pierced the King's heart.

The captain dropped his sabre, and collapsed at the King's side.
"My King, what have we done?"
At dawn, the captain built a funeral pyre for his King,
built from the wood of the greatest tree in sight,
and he immolated the dead King.
Weeping, trembling, the captain stabbed himself through the heart,
and in his dying moments fell upon the inferno.

That was a piece of art. I loved it, even the gross part.

Countless days and nights at sea followed,
the crew did not touch the meat of the golden skinned men,
for a time.
But as the stock of fruit ran low,
they resorted to cannibalising their angelic kin.
They discovered that they tasted as good as their appearance and personality,
and the captain put some aside for the King.

Was it their angelic kin? I personally think the would be a better word to put there.

Good job with description. I could see everything in my head. Even the gross *shudders* part.
Plus, I didn't know cannibalising was a real word either. Good job and gold star.

Hola! I thought the first stanza was great. ^_^

As the crew crawled over the beach towards the fruit,
they lost their strength, and they looked at eachother.
Countless days and nights of hunger had given them death's image.
They looked across the thin desert towards the colourful jungle,
some remained hopeful, and climbed to the jungle's base,
but none could climb to the fruits above them,
And they gave up, [s]and[/s] resigned to death.

space between 'each' and 'other - the last line here might work better as 'And they gave up, resigned to die.'

"We have suffered much to fine this eutopia,
let us remain here, where we are happiest."

'Utopia' and 'find' - personally, I think this should be cut. Does nothing for the story

He ordered [s]for[/s] the golden skinned woman to be brought before the King,
and the King gasped[/quote

But she failed to bear a son, a suitable heir according to the ancient laws.
[s]and[/s] Soon she desired to go home, and [s]she[/s] was overcome with grief.

The punctuation and grammar in this piece really needs to be polished, it detracts from the story quite a bit. Also, you overuse 'and'.

[s]She died,[/s] Unable to bear the foreign dystopia that had become her home,
she waited until her husband was asleep,
and drew his sword,
and, weeping, trembling, stabbed herself through the heart.
Upon finding her, the King attempted to do the same,
but was saved by the captain.
The King sentenced the captain to death.

You begin the stanza with her death and yet, in the lines following she lives well enough to kill hsrself again? Consider the revisions made above. My main problem with this piece is its lack of poetic imagery, its very bare and that makes it less engaging. 'The King sentenced the captain to death' is about as blunt as a rusty axe and just as elegant.

Put some emotion into that line, vary the sentence structure, throw some interesting imagery in here - anything to spice up the dry storytelling. You got yourself a good story, but its lacking in the sense of epic drama. All the right motions are there, the suicides and betrayals, but that's all they feel like - motions. Devices in a story, not very real or engaging. On a logical note, the purity of the meat would have degenerated through interbreeding, fairly quickly so the idea that it ever became so excessive as for the entire kingdom to feast on is unlikely. Far better for it to become increasingly rare, driving the nobles to slaughter one another.

Far better, indeed. On a similar note, I'm surprised the meat wasn't spoiled over a long journey across the seas -- the meat the king ate, anyway. Again, I really liked the story, it was well done but dull in its execution.

Cheers

Thank you for your comments, I will go over it later and improve it.

This was beautiful!

All of your sentences flowed and I was very much entertained. Though I feel kinda sick, I thank you for writing such an original piece. I've never read anything like it. What inspired you to write it?

Favorite Stanza:

For countless days and nights,
the captain searched for the island of the golden skinned people,
attacked from every corner,
the tentacles of the abyss,
the blinding spears of the heavens,
the sweeping breath of the tempests,
the daggers of sin, biting his soul.

*Gold Star*

Keep writing,

~Angel

Wow, I mean... just wow...

that was amazing!
the imagery was great, the flow, was intesnse, and pulled you onward, is had
a very epic-poem feel to it, but thats a good thing, the story was... well, just amazing, canibalism and all,

yeah, I think you very well might be insane.

like really really messed up, but thats OK, im a bit crazy myself.

A true work of art, (as already stated by the previous critiquers)

gold star.
peace.

As according to Jiggity's comments, I've made a few changes to this. I've also changed the ending significantly, I think it's a vast improvement on the original ending, but I'd like to hear your thoughts.

Thanks Angel of Death. This idea first popped into my head during a Sociology lesson-we were discussing the inequalities present in the world, and the reasons for those inequalities.

well, i was slightly surprised to read it, go to comment it, come back and find the ending massively different.

I kinda sorta liked the last part of the last stanza better before you know, the one about the horror just begun.

oh well,

Thanks God. Sorry I changed the ending like that, I could change it back if necessary. Alternatively, I could add the whole horror has just begun thing somewhere alongside the new ending, or change the ending slightly so that the same events occur, but with mention of the horror just beginning(?).

As it is, my use of the word "inferno" is supposed to suggest prolonged suffering, as it is Italian for "hell", and when in English it is usually used to refer to a large, uncontrolled fire. So I was hoping it would have a similar effect as "the horror had only just begun," as it suggests that the anarchy (which can be likened to an uncontrolled fire) will continue for a long time (the idea that damned souls suffer in hell for eternity).

Yep, I got the sense of it pretty well. The style of narration didn't change but the ending is better in my opinion.

Luck with it.

Cheers

Love, hate, happiness: these are all abstract concepts. Many, maybe all, poems are, deep down, about emotions and other abstractions, but it's hard to build a strong poem using only abstractions - it's just not interesting. The key, then, is to replace or enhance abstractions with concrete images, things that you can appreciate with your senses: a rose, a shark, or a crackling fire, for example. The concept of the objective correlative may be useful. An objective correlative is an object, several objects, or a series of events (all concrete things) that evoke the emotion or idea of the poem.

Really powerful poetry not only uses concrete images; it also describes them vividly. Show your readers and listeners what you're talking about--help them to experience the imagery of the poem. Put in some "sensory" handles. These are words that describe the things that you hear, see, taste, touch, and smell, so that the reader can identify with their own experience. Give some examples rather than purely mental/intellectual descriptions. For example: "He made a loud sound" versus "He made a loud sound like a hippo eating 100 stale pecan pies with metal teeth".

Save your most powerful message or insight for the end of your poem. The last line is to a poem what a punch line is to a joke--something that evokes an emotional response. Give the reader something to think about, something to dwell on after reading your poem. Resist the urge to explain it; let the reader become engaged with the poem in developing an understanding of your experience or message.

Use poetic devices to enhance your poem's beauty and meaning. The most well known poetic device is rhyme. Rhyme can add suspense to your lines, enhance your meaning, or make the poem more cohesive. It can also make it prettier. Don't overuse rhyme. It's a crime. In fact you don't have to use rhyme at all. Other poetic devices include meter, metaphor, assonance, alliteration, and repetition. If you don't know what these are, you may want to look in a poetry book or search the internet. Poetic devices can make a poem or, if they bring too much attention to themselves, they can ruin it.

Good Luck!

~ Hayley