The Trianlge Effect

Chapter 3
Mystery Text

When I got to school the next day I was ready for it to be over. First and second block flew bye, then I got to go trig. I saw that Everett was already seated. So I walked into the classroom, my head held high. Then he looked at me.

“Hey, Chris.”

“Hey.”

“Are you still on for tonight?” I saw some of the girls in class turn my way and wait for my answer.

“Yeah.”

“Okay, I’m still meeting you after school right?”

“Yeah.” Great he’s talking to me in front of other people and all I can say are one syllable sentences.

“Okay, see you then.”

“Great.” Wow, another one syllable sentence, I’m on a roll. That’s when the bell rang and it was time for class.

“Alright class, we have a pop quiz.” Mr. Wegan said. He was about mid-twenties and had almost every girl’s attention when he walked in the room. But not mine, I was thinking about Everett, so I didn’t notice him. He passed out the quiz and even though I was the youngest student in the class, I breezed through the quiz while juniors were having difficulty with the first five problems.

“Well done Chris. I expect another 100.”

“I aim for no less.” I replied. He was the only teacher that called me “Chris.” He was also the coach of my brother’s baseball team. So I saw him often, and we were “somewhat” friends you could say. He smiled at me and I handed him my quiz and smiled back.

I went back to my seat. I started to work on the assignment on the board, but my phone started to vibrate. Cursing whoever it was under my breath, I looked at the text message.
“i want 2 c u,” Was on my screen. Who texted that to me? I didn’t recognize the number, so I knew it wasn’t any of my friends. It vibrated in my hand and I jumped. “2mrrw at th park. 5.” Was the message this time from the same number.

I wondered who it was. Who would want to see me? Maybe it was Everett. But he was still working on his quiz. Wait a minute. How was I supposed to meet someone if I didn’t know who they were? “How will i recognize u?” I texted back. No noise in the room. It wasn’t Everett.

“ill b under th big oak tree near th fountain.”

I went through the rest of the day wondering who it was.

Hmmm... I like this, I really do. The dialogue flows more naturally than some of the pieces I read, and it feels pretty close to the reality of a modern setting. Hope I worded that right...

It just feels a little short, and there are small mistakes here and there, but it's nothing to chew you apart about. For example:

First and second block flew bye, then I got to go trig. I saw that Everett was already seated. So I walked into the classroom, my head held high

I hope to read more of this, teddybear22. Dunno if I should post your name or not *Shrugs* Perhaps a little more focus to action or descriptions of what's happening around Chrissy would be nice... but it's pretty good as is.

This was cute, but there was one error that really stood out to me.

"Okay" is two syllables, not one.

Ahhh, I'm glad I got that off my chest.

Happy writing ^^

Teddybear22 wrote:Chapter 3
Mystery Text

When I got to school the next day I was ready for it to be over. First and second block flew bye, then I got to go trigonemetry [you can only shorten words in dialogue!]. I saw that Everett was already seated. So I walked into the classroom, my head held high [I would link these two sentences together, it should flow better then]. Then he looked at me.

“Hey, Chris.” [Describe!! Who said this, with what tone ...]

“Hey.” [Same here!

“Are you still on for tonight?” I saw some of the girls in class turn my way and wait for my answer.

“Yeah.”

“Okay, I’m still meeting you after school right?”

“Yeah.” Great he’s talking to me in front of other people and all I can say are one syllable sentences.

“Okay, see you then.”

“Okay.” Wow, another one syllable sentence, I’m on a roll. That’s when the bell rang and it was time for class.

[Try and break this dialogue up with descriptions, your Mc's emotions, how Everett looked, his facila expressions, what he was wearing...]

“All [gap]right class, we have a pop quiz.[replace with comma]” Mr. Wegan said. He was about mid-twenties and had almost every girl’s attention when he walked in the room [why? What does he look like - maybe make some references to her friends always swooning over him...?]. But not mine, I was thinking about Everett, so I didn’t notice him. He passed out the quiz and even though I was the youngest student in the class, I breezed through the quiz while juniors were having difficulty with the first five problems.

“Well done Chris. I expect another 100 [don't use numbers in dialogue, please hundred looks so much nicer, don't you think?].”

“I aim for no less.[replace with comma]” I replied. He was the only teacher that called me “Chris.[delete full stop here]”[comma] He was also the coach of my brother’s baseball team. [s]So[/s] I saw him often, and we were “somewhat” friends[end quote marks here instead] you could say. He smiled at me and I handed him my quiz and smiled back.

I went back to my seat. I started to work on the assignment on the board, but my phone started to vibrate. Cursing whoever it was under my breath, I looked at the text message.
“i want 2 c u,” was on my screen. Who texted that to me? I didn’t recognize the number, so I knew it wasn’t any of my friends. It vibrated in my hand and I jumped. “2mrrw at th park. 5.[replace with comma]” was the message,again, [s]this time [/s]from the same number.

I wondered who it was. Who would want to see me? Maybe it was Everett. But he was still working on his quiz. Wait a minute. How was I supposed to meet someone if I didn’t know who they were? “How will i recognize u?” I texted back. No noise in the room. It wasn’t Everett.

“ill b under the big oak tree near the fountain.”

I went through the rest of the day wondering who it was.

Overall Thoughts
This was a great chapter to create intrigue - well done!! Just make sure you break up your speech, like I told you too, and try and cut down on the amount of times you start a sentence with 'I' - try and adverb or adjective instead (:
I'm also going to give you a short grammar lesson on speech (don't get too excited =P ):
The only time you end speech in a full stop (or an exclamation/question mark if necessary) is when the speech is followed by an action. For example: "I don't know." He shrugged. You also start the next words with a capital letter,
Otherwise when you're describing the speech you end it in a comma (or exclamation/question mark if necessary). For example: "Let's go have a look," she whispered. You always start the next word uncapitalised as well, even if the speech ended in an exclamation/question mark.
I hope that all made sense to you and I hope this review helped you out, and I wasn't too harsh (I'm just really desperate to go get some lunch, but I promised myself to do your review first =P )!!

Keep writing!!
--Lucyy xx

When I got to school the next day I was ready for it to be over. First and second block flew bye, then I got to go trig.

You jump fast! What were her classes? Did she see friends before?

I saw that Everett was already seated. So I walked into the classroom, my head held high. Then he looked at me.

That part is especially boring. I'm told it without emotion. Does she get butterflies? nervous? over confident? Trips on the way? Or slides elegantly into the seat beside/infront/near him?

“Hey, Chris.” *

“Hey.” **

“Are you still on for tonight?” I saw some of the girls in class turn my way and wait for my answer.

* How does she say this? As she is sitting? Does she throw her stuff down? And is Chris the same person as Everrett? Why call 2 different names?
** How does HE respond?

Great he’s talking to me in front of other people and all I can say are one syllable sentences.

Italics

Wow, another one syllable sentence, I’m on a roll.

italics

Was the message this time from the same number.

Do you mean: The message was from the same number.

I wondered who it was. Who would want to see me?

Wouldn't she call? Or is she still in class? Sorry if I missed that.

And the ending. You can do so much better! WHY did she not just call the number? Did she ask her friends? Did it bug her? Did it annoy her? Did she just ignore it? Did she get caught?
You can't just end it like that It's just... Not only do you have no suspense, you don't have me a reason yet to read on. It just... ends.

Description is your major weakness. You have little, but not enough for us as readers to visualise anything. How does she respond to the words Chris says? And that inner voice needs to be in the italics

You must sit down, read this a few times, and seriously throw in as much as you can. Don't overload but put in description, make time pass and do it with actions. Does she interact with friends? And describe her more, give her a real voice and a real image and work with it. What do people look for in her? What does she do to the boys? Treat them like friends or go all nervous?
Construct her character in depth, and then you will draw in our attention if you spend time throwing detail in there. Colours, senses, feelings, visions, actions, thoughts.

Goodluck.

Looks like every one has touched on most everything, so I will just give my opinion here and there.

When I got to school the next day I was ready for it to be over. First and second block flew bye, then I got to go trig. I saw that Everett was already seated. So I walked into the classroom, my head held high. Then he looked at me.

It's choppy. Spice it up.
Even as I arrived at school, I already wished it was over. First and second period flew by, and then came trig.

I would use the word period because it is better understood.
Is Trig something the character dreads?
The next couple of sentances are short and choppy to, though rarely I say it, you might try joinging them

As I walked into the class room, I was Everett was already seated. If I held my head high, it was only until his eyes caught mine."
Or something to that effect.


“Are you still on for tonight?” I saw some of the girls in class turn my way and wait for my answer.

Not bad. Instead of starting the sentence with 'I', which can become a habit, mixing it up.
girls heads turned as he asked. or what not.

“Okay.” Wow, another one syllable sentence, I’m on a roll. That’s when the bell rang and it was time for class.

Oh no! Your breaking the biggest writing rule! Your switching from past tense and present mid story. Your telling the story in first person, so it might be better to keep it in present. You'll want to not use "Thats when" and just say The bell rang

But not mine, I was thinking about Everett, so I didn’t notice him.
Drop the 'so I didn't notice him'. It's assumed.

I went back to my seat. I started to work on the assignment on the board, but my phone started to vibrate. Cursing whoever it was under my breath, I looked at the text message.
Whole lotta repetition. You have it in the I's and in the 'on the' .
How bout something like this
Returning to my seat, I started to work on the assignment, but my phone began to vibrate."


“i want 2 c u,” Was on my screen. Who texted that to me? I didn’t recognize the number, so I knew it wasn’t any of my friends. It vibrated in my hand and I jumped. “2mrrw at th park. 5.” Was the message this time from the same number.

Was on my screen seems dull. How about flashed across my screen?
Also you should either italasize your thoughts, or just state there thoughts. It gets confusing. All you need to do is add an I thought at the end of a thought and it clarify's it. You have such a good story you don't want to lose interest.

Thanks for the input, guys. I'll start working on it later on today.