Perfection

Written by Hayley
Perfection

Hard to come by,
Impossible to touch

Endless perfection,
Doesn’t take much,

Try to find it and
You won’t succeed,

Stumble across it
And you’ll find more then greed.

In the midst of the sky
And the power of the sun

Avoiding perfection
Is the way it’s done

So don’t be fooled
If you think you’ve done it,

Perfection is impossible so
You might as well just quit.



I can find a million things wrong with this, and I do not mind you listing them but just to let you know, this poem is not suppose to make sense, it's suppose to get a message across. Don't be fooled into temptation, as that temptation will never lead to anything good.

I really like the message you're giving through this poem.
The first few rhymes are great, and make the poem beautiful. The last few rhymes on the other hand, is rather bad in my ears. It might be the rythm that's wrong, but to be honest, my rhyming is terrible and I'm sure you're way better at it than me. I just wanted to let you know.
I wonder if you could say less is more in this case, that you might keep the message even without the end.
Overall, I think it's really great, but could need some improvement.

Faery007 wrote:
Hard to come by,
Impossible to touch

Endless perfection,

Doesn’t take much,

Try to find it and
You won’t succeed,

Stumble across it
And you’ll find more then greed.

In the midst of the sky
And the power of the sun

I love the lines above which i've underlined. Great imagery!

Avoiding perfection
Is the way it’s done

So don’t be fooled
If you think you’ve done it,

Perfection is impossible so
You might as well just quit.

- The lines that i've underlined don't sound all that nice! The It and the quit rhyme when you say them aloud one after the other but in their context in your poem they don't rhyme well because of stressing and emphasis.


I can find a million things wrong with this, and I do not mind you listing them but just to let you know, this poem is not suppose to make sense, it's suppose to get a message across. Don't be fooled into temptation, as that temptation will never lead to anything good.

- If you want a review on YWS then you must expect grammatical errors and a review on if it makes sense or not because even the best profound and philisophical poems make literary and logical sense!

- The punctuation throughout is a little crazy! Sometimes, you have a fullstop, sometimes a comma or two, sometimes none at all. This doesn't let the poem flow well, you should either stick to a correct punctuation scheme or don't have any at all- that works just as well in poetry!

A nice poem, though. I like the meaning!

x

I like your style, but to be honest, you need not leave notes like that at the end of your poems, people will more or less ignore them and write what they will about your work, regardless,

So about the poem, it was good, I like the idea, and the way you put it together,
the rhythm might be just a tad off, but that is unimportant, and yes, the message is definatly the most important part of this poem,

thats what I like to see in poems, a good message, with a strong supporting style to match it.
I enjoy your use of rhymes, be they imperfect or not,

Decent work,
Peace,
God

Hmmm.

I do get your message, and the rhyming works well for most of it. The end completely throws off your rhyme, though. 'Quit' and 'it' do sound alike spoken aloud, but, like helen said, not here.

You also don't really have much of a meter going here; the syllables are all different in every stanza, but it didn't really bother me. Here and there you could take out a syllable or two, if you'd like a more even rhythm, but it's not a must.

Perhaps you should try ending it with a different meaning, instead of telling us that it can't be achieved, tell us that it doesn't need to be achieved, and why.

I like it a lot! Keep working on it!

~Evi

Thank you everyone for all you comments, yes, I do think the rhyming near the end is terribly off, but I did not notice to be honest when I was writing it! So once again thank you,and I wish you all good look in you next review. (;

~ Hayley