Marionette

My head lolls on my chest like death,
I’m somewhere else- someplace syrupy and pleasant and laughable.
When I dream I escape.
Oh let me dream.
Please.
But a tug at the strings,
The body jerks to life without me and I’m up already.
I struggle myself together and bundle my mind back to this world.
Another day. It's grey.
One string is pulled after the other and I’m into action.
To work on the train and I don’t even see the others any longer.
When I dream I escape.
Oh let me dream again.
Please.

I’ve given up craning to catch a glimpse of this skilled puppeteer.
I know there is no hope.
A tug and my foot lifts, another and the other follows.
Up the stairs, down the stairs, around the corner without thought.
This isn’t me; this is a puny individual, a mere marionette.
Pushed without any say through life and
Up the stairs, down the stairs.
I’ve given up long ago,
This is how the world is now,
What’s the point in fighting?
What’s the point in it all anymore?
But sometimes,
Just sometimes I wonder what would happen if I cut those strings.



Not a masterpiece I know, though fear not for it shall be revised!

Hello, Laramie!

My head lolls on my chest like death, 'Lolls' and 'death' seem to clash with each other too harshly, reconsider word choice

I’m somewhere else- someplace syrupy and pleasant and laughable. 'Somewhere' and 'someplace' together = repetitive. 'Syrupy' is a little funny, and it stood out alone instead of the whole idea, which would be preferable. Also, what you mean by 'laughable'? Something to laugh at or to laugh in?

When I dreamcomma I escape. Escape what?

Ohcomma let me dream.

Please.

But a tug at the strings,

The body jerks to life without me and I’m up already. A little contradicting – 'without me', but still 'I'm up already'?

I struggle myself together and bundle my mind back to this world. [b]Too wordy to be read easily. It also breaks the flow with its length.

Another day. It's grey. I like the simpleness, though I can't tell how it connects with the rest of the poem.

One string is pulled after the other and I’m into action.

To work on the train and I don’t even see the others any longer. This is also too long. 'I don't see any longer' is a bit awkward, I think – maybe rephrase? Challenge yourself and see how few words you need to express something, because sometimes less is more.

When I dreamcomma I escape.

Oh let me dream again.

Please.

Okay. I felt a little like you had just collected lines from different poems and thrown them together – I see little connection there, and I think there should be more. The subject is 'Marionette', but I don't think there is enough in this to make the subject stand out. The idea of dreaming and escaping is pretty (though a little cliché), and I hope it'd connect more with the subject. All in all, this stanza had the feeling of randomness in it. Let's move to the second.

I’ve given up craning to catch a glimpse of this skilled puppeteer. Remember what I said about the 'less is more' thing? This line could do with the same advice. 'I submit myself to look at this magic man' is shorter, but it means basically the same thing. Though I do admit, that example was really lame.

I know there is no hope. Why? And hope of what? Explain, expand.

A tug and my foot lifts, another and the other follows. Another and the other? Ditch either, you won't need it.

Up the stairs, down the stairs, around the corner without thought. I like this, but I don't like so much the 'without thought' thing – it's a little awkward.

This isn’t me; this is a puny individual, a mere marionette. [b]Semi-colons in a poem hurt my eyes – you could replace it with a period. Why the 'puny'? Is it to mean the same thing than 'weak'?

Pushed without any say through life and Any say? I don't know that expression. The 'and' in the end makes this uncomfortably long and panting, do you actually need it at all?

Up the stairs, down the stairs. I like this.

I’ve given up long ago, A little plain...

This is how the world is now,

What’s the point in fighting?

What’s the point in it all anymore? The two lines together: Somewhat plain, and also a little emo... sorry.

But sometimes,

Just sometimes I wonder what would happen if I cut those strings. Nice ending!

I liked this stanza better. I especially liked the surprising ending; it's a little sad, but also gives some hope. The randomness didn't go away in this, but then again, it might be just the style of the poem, not you – I wouldn't know, since I haven't read anything else by you.

With some more imagery and description of the pain and the feeling of being possessed, plus a little self-controlling, this poem could be very good. Try to think how you would feel if you were the narrator. Chew the subject and try to make up completely different things to say something. I'm sure you can do it.

This reminded me of an ABBA song 'I'm A Marionette'. Was that intentional?

Anyway, happy writing and see you around!


Demeter
xxx

P.S. In the rules of YWS, it says you should review at least two pieces before posting anything of your own. Please do those reviews before posting anything else.

That was wonderful, thanks a bunch!

Although that great critique was a pleasure to read and I can see what you mean with very nearly every comment, I must apologize for the randomness- it is actually me and it seems to be instilled in next to everything I write.
That piece in particular was written late at night at a time I wasn't even sure I was conscious, rereading it now I can see many things I would change if I could be bothered and most likely will at some point.

So I shall thank you for actually reading it and even taking the time to comment on virtually every line, you must be a rather wonderful person. I'm very glad you liked the ending.

And I've never heard that song but will make a point of listening to it.
I shall also make a point of reviewing the work of two others before I post anything more.
Thank you again!
Laramie
xox.