If Nobody Moved

What if all the burning what ifs where never born,
or no one noticed that Mona Lisa looked forlorn?
If April was the cruellest month, or if we didn't gaze at the sky,
If we couldn't interact with one another at all, or see eye to eye.

Would the world keep spinning, if nobody moved
I can't see any point, would anything be proved,
If we never allowed ourselves to be fools,
If we just trudged down the road of history, followed the rules?

What if Stephen Sondheim’s lyrics weren’t so delightfully witty
Or nobody noticed Audrey Hepburn was really quite pretty?
If instruments went dusty, if cinema tape never rolled onto screens
If Elvis never shook, and inflamed young girls' screams.

What if a pirouette was just a turn, or we didn’t let creativity glow
If questions didn’t happen, I guess we’ll never know.
How empty life would be, if at each other we never looked long enough,
picture your world now, if people didn’t fall in love.

If we didn’t have a conscience, if we all went stark raving mad,
If Dickens never blew the whistle, would you be glad?
Or if children roamed the streets, police ruled supreme,
Is there a degree of reality in these words, if it's just a dream?

Haven't reviewed your poetry in a while! First off, *Gold Star*

I enjoyed reading this very much, It kept me interested the whole way through. In the fourth stanza you break your original rhyme scheme of AABB to AABC, but that's okay, Just in case you wanted to stick to the scheme and didn't notice it. If you do maybe you could replace love with love's cuff? I Don't know... I just enjoyed this.


I don't think there's really much to say here, It was good! Although in some places the flow slowed a little. A re-read will fix that though.


---Jon---

Actually wiseman, what she uses is a slant rhyme--or, as some might know it, a half-rhyme. The words may end in an "f"/"v" sound (which really are pretty similar, anyway; most would qualify that as basically a rhyme), the vowel sound of the two words is the same. Her rhyme scheme didn't change at all. In fact, Eimear, I like seeing that you do that--and that you know how to. So many poets who work with rhyme schemes let the rhyme dictate the poem, and thus, end up with nonsense rhymes. There are a few places where your rhyming feels a bit forced, but since you understand slant rhymes, I have faith you'll be able to fix it.

One thing you might want to look at is the flow. With lyric poetry like this--poetry that rhymes--it's even more important to keep a good rhythm going. There are a few places where you lose that.

The last two lines of the first stanza, for example, really stood out:

If April was the cruellest month, or if we didn't gaze at the sky,
If we couldn't interact with one another at all, or see eye to eye.

See how long they are, especially in comparison to the previous lines? The first up there ("If April...") isn't perfect, but it's better than the second; you've jumped from 12-13 to 17-19. It's unwieldy, and makes it difficult for the reader to focus on your words.

A few more brief notes:

What if all the burning what ifs where never born,

- I believe you mean 'were?' And I think "what ifs" should be hyphenated, but I could be wrong.

I can't see any point, would anything be proved,

- I don't like the punctuation here; it's so bland and lacks any sort of indication to guide a reader's emotional response. Perhaps: "I can't see any point; would anything be proved?"

If we didn’t have a conscience, if we all went stark raving mad,
If Dickens never blew the whistle, would you be glad?

- Here is where the rhyming feels forced. "Would you be glad?" is a very superfluous phrase; it doesn't need to be there, and the reader feels it, and in recognizing that it's just there to complete the rhyme, thinks less of the poem.

My suggestions:
1. Read this aloud to yourself for flow. Don't be afraid of completely cutting lines or redoing them. Poetry is one of those things you have to tweak over and over again.
2. Watch your rhymes. Does it feel unnecessary? If it does, rethink it. If worse comes to worst, you could always rewrite it in free verse, without any rhyme. You'd have fewer limitations, and a greater freedom.
3. Take a look at your punctuation! Does it carry the meaning you want? Remember, punctuation is the emotion of poetry: commas, semi-colons, and colons can all be good for installing heavier pauses; periods can intimate certainty, calm, or emotionlessness; question marks rouse feelings from mere curiosity to desperation; and exclamation points could be thrilled excitement, or the direst of anger. In other words--punctuation is your best friend! Use it well.

Hi there, haven't been to yws for so long, but I just wanted to browse around, and your title caught my eye.

I think Fand already covered all the critiquing needed, the length of some lines do stunt the flow of the poem. But I really liked the concept and the message. It was very interesting and quite clever. I especially loved the fourth stanza, keep up the awesome work!

that is really quite a nice poem. You might want to check how long your lines are though because it sounds a little off in some of the stanzas. Other than that I think you did an excellent job and I totally encourage you to keep writing because I can't wait to read more