This Year: Chapter One

It all happened so fast. They're not kidding when they say that life is too short. The sirens echoing through the air, the churning of my stomach, and the sobs of horrific pain were nothing but a vivid memory. I can almost remember the sweet scent of his clothes and his rare, hearty laugh. He wasted so much time at work and neglected his family. But why? I didn't even have the chance to say goodbye to him.

12 months earlier...

"AH!" I screamed as my fishing rod tugged against me.
My dad turned around to see me fidgeting with the rod. "You caught a fish! Reel it in!"
I stared at him in confusion. "How?" Just then, the rod pulled with a greater force. The boat rocked back and forth on the lake and I could hear my dad cussing under his breath. I grabbed the rod and started to tug the fish towards the boat.
"No! You have to reel it in!" My dad shouted as he tried to show me. With weak hands, I tried to do as he said. A final tug was exerted from the fish and the rod came flying out of my hands. The splash of the water caused our boat to drift away and I stared at my empty hands with terrified eyes.
Hesitantly, I looked at my father who was glaring at me with a frown. "Dammit, Amber!" He walked to the other side of the boat, rubbing his eyes in frustration. His nostrils flared and I started to bite my nails.
"I'm sorry dad. I didn't mean to lose the rod," I said as I watched him pace in the little space he had on the boat.
"Do you not realize how much that rod cost?" He paused and took a breath as if he were trying to say something.
As I sat down, biting my nails, I tried to figure out why he cared so much. It was just an accident.
He stopped pacing and sat down next to the cooler. Glancing around, the two of us tried to enjoy this day. The birds were fluttering their wings and soaring aimlessly while the water glistened in the sunlight. Surrounding the Mill Valley Lake were tall willow trees that swayed with the wind. My eyes closed and I listened to the joyful tune of a typical day in Mill Valley, California. Water danced around the boat causing it to rock peacefully. It reminded me of when I was a child in my mother's arms. The rhythm of her voice and the gentle rocking put me to sleep every night. I smiled as the wind blew past my face causing my ponytail to brush against my cheek.
"So... how's summer been for you?" My dad asked as he scratched the back of his head.
I studied his face and said, "It's been okay, I guess. The surfing's fun."
My dad pulled out a can of Diet Coke from the cooler. "You getting any better?"
I shrugged my shoulders and replied, "I think so. Ethan says that I'm better than Chad, so I guess I'm getting somewhere."
My dad nodded his head and took a sip from his drink. "Ethan's a good kid. Weren't you supposed to go surfing today?"
"Yeah, but I took the day off since you didn't have anything to do."
We sat there in silence as the sounds of nature filled the air. I started to wonder why I even suggested this fishing trip. My dad was socially awkward around my family because he barely even knew us. It was like he was a stranger who agreed to go fishing with me. Before his work, it was never like this. His only aspirations were to complete mine and give me the best childhood ever. Where had that father gone? I fumbled with my hair as I glanced at my duct-taped shoe.
"What happened?" My dad asked. I stared up at him and then back towards my shoe.
"They got old, but it's the only shoe I like." My father's puzzled expression made me sigh, so I changed the subject. "Are you coming to my Sweet Sixteen tomorrow?"
He looked towards the trees as if he were trying to avoid the question. "I'm not sure. I might have some business to attend."
I laughed once in disbelief. "Dad, it's my birthday."
He stood up in discomfort. "I know, I know. It's just that things at work are a little hectic. I'm sorry. I will see what I can do."
My eyes returned to my duct-taped shoe. He had to be joking. What father would miss his own daughter's Sweet Sixteen? His business caused him to miss everything and it was getting out of hand. I grounded my teeth and stood up with my hands battered into tiny fists. "Dad, mom and I didn't want to say anything but this is getting out of control. You and your business is causing our family to tear apart. You don't get home until 10:00 at night and who knows where you go! Work doesn't end until 6:00 PM, so tell me where do you go for four hours? Huh? Because I am getting sick and tired of coming home to only a mother. A girl needs her dad and I feel like your nonexistent! I'm asking you to come to my biggest birthday party. Why can't you just put off work for one day?"
He looked at me wearily. "It's not that easy."
A frown formed on my face. "It's not easy? I'll tell you what isn't easy. Pretending like you know everything about your dad, but you really don't. Pretending that your dad would take the time off to be with you and your family. Pretending that your dad was actually at your birthday party. Yeah, that's not easy at all."
"Amber..." he started to say.
"Whatever." I rolled my eyes in frustration. "Can you take me home now?"
With that, my father started the engine and began to head back to shore. I plopped onto the cooler and pulled out my phone.
Be there in ten minutes, I text-ed Kris.
Within seconds, she replied. I'll wait for the explanation here.
I sighed. Kris always knew what to say. She knew how to handle situations that were way too complicated for me and she always knew had to cheer me up. However, she always knew how to make me feel insecure. With her preppy outfits and my sporty, laid back look, she always won over the guys. Not that I cared because all the guys were too ugly and disgusting for me. I guess that's the one thing I hate about my best friend for over thirteen years.
When we arrived back to my house, my dad dropped me off in the driveway and hurried along to "work".
Agitated as I was, my mother agreed to take me over to the beach. She wasn't too pleased with the information I just informed her on. There were already enough problems with my parents, and this news didn't seem to help their situation any better. But, it didn't help mine either.
When she dropped me off at the beach, I was greeted by Kris, Lexis, Ethan, and Chad. They were my real family. The friends that I knew I could always count on.
Ethan smiled, revealing his blindingly white teeth and handed me my surfboard. "You ready?"
I laughed and grabbed the surfboard. This was my passion, my own escape from reality. Being here with my friends caused my worries and fears to disappear and the only thing I focused on was the board gliding over the waves.
Unfortunately, I didn't know the horrors that awaited me in the future. There was no real way to escape reality.

Hullo!

12 months earlier...

I think you can cut this, it will flow just fine without it! We'll get the idea.

However, she always knew how to make me feel insecure. With her preppy outfits and my sporty, laid back look, she always won over the guys. Not that I cared because all the guys were too ugly and disgusting for me. I guess that's the one thing I hate about my best friend for over thirteen years.

You do a lot of telling here. Why don't you cut this, and later on when the narrator and her friend are together you can show this? It isn't really important right now anyway, since we don't know Kris yet. But more than that, show, don't tell!

Unfortunately, I didn't know the horrors that awaited me in the future. There was no real way to escape reality.

Ending chapters like this is always a bad idea. It seems good at the time, like it is the perfect hook, but really it just comes off melodramatic.

I like the plot you have started, and the tension between the parents and the teenager, as well as the foreshadowing of what is to come. It really drew me in. I think you could characterize and give more life to Amber, though. As it stands she's sort of like cardboard. I don't mean you need to tell us what she looks like, I just want to know who she is through the writing. I know she is sporty - that doesn't really matter though. Make her real! Does she stand a certain why? Does she bite her nails? Twist her hair? The details you add depends on you, but if you gave her more life it would really up the quality of this already good chapter. Perhaps you should take a look at the character development user group?

Otherwise, not so bad! Maybe I'll read the other sections to come. I'm bad at that.

Thanks a bunch! This is the first chapter I've posted on this forum and it's nice to know what I should add. Hopefully, you will read some more sections. I'm praying that I can get a few people to critique them.

-Lindsey

LindseyBrooke wrote:12 months earlier...

I think you should cut that out, we kind of get the fact that you are doing a flashback
C=

Hi there Lindsey (Brooke? They're both pretty!) and welcome to YWS! The name's Thomas, Stella Thomas, but call me Stella or whatever variation you feel suits you...

Okay, Suz didn't mention this, but there is a rule on YWS that says that you should have two reviews for every piece of your own work. So do you think you could do two reviews to validate this? It's only fair.

So...

I. NITPICKS

12 months earlier...

As the others say, leave it.

My eyes closed and I listened to the joyful tune of a typical day in Mill Valley, California.

I never quite understand why people do this, they say "Tuscon, Arizona," or "Paris, France" or something. Maybe it's an American thing. Try not doing it, say something like "a typical Californian day" or something.

Water danced around the boat causing it to rock peacefully. It reminded me of when I was a child in my mother's arms. The rhythm of her voice and the gentle rocking put me to sleep every night.

As lovely as this is, it's a little bit out of place. Maybe reword it a bit.

"So... how's summer been for you?" My dad asked as he scratched the back of his head.

No capital on my.

"I'm not sure. I might have some business to attend."

to attend to.

You don't get home until 10:00 at night and who knows where you go!

You don't get home until ten at night, then try six pm, it looks more natural than the numbers

With her preppy outfits and my sporty, laid back look, she always won over the guys.

Just a little bit of rewording wouldn't go amiss there.

Okay, cool...

II. DESCRIPTION

As you're introducing her father, be sureto give us a picture of what he looks like. But really, that's the only thing I found wrong.

III. OVERALL

I couldn't find much wrong, it read well.

Hope I helped, and PM me if you have any questions!

-Stella.

Hello Lindsey, I did say I was going to check this out.

He wasted so much time at work and neglected his family. But why?

But he is effectively providing revenue for the family no?

"How?" Just then, the rod pulled with a greater force.

You mean the fish right?

He stopped pacing and sat down next to the cooler. Glancing around, the two of us tried to enjoy this day. The birds were fluttering their wings and soaring aimlessly while the water glistened in the sunlight. Surrounding the Mill Valley Lake were tall willow trees that swayed with the wind. My eyes closed and I listened to the joyful tune of a typical day in Mill Valley, California. Water danced around the boat causing it to rock peacefully. It reminded me of when I was a child in my mother's arms. The rhythm of her voice and the gentle rocking put me to sleep every night. I smiled as the wind blew past my face causing my ponytail to brush against my cheek.

Your description here seems sort of mechanical. It's like you randomly shoved the descriptions in there without really considering if it fits or not. The easiest way to place pieces of character description into your work and not have it seem random or detached is to take quite a familiar situation and just mention bits and pieces.

And just a nit pick. How can the narrator remember back to the time when she was in her mother's arms? Seems strange to me.

My dad pulled out a can of Diet Coke from the cooler. "You getting any better?"

I shrugged my shoulders and replied, "I think so. Ethan says that I'm better than Chad, so I guess I'm getting somewhere."

Better in?

We sat there in silence as the sounds of nature filled the air.

What is this "sounds of nature"? Be more specific.

My dad was socially awkward around my family because he barely even knew us. It was like he was a stranger who agreed to go fishing with me. Before his work, it was never like this. His only aspirations were to complete mine and give me the best childhood ever. Where had that father gone?

Show, don't tell. If he's socially awkward, then describe an incident where the conversation seems pretty awkward (eg: maybe have him randomly starting to talk about mundane things to his daughter as an attempt to start a conversation with her only to have her walk away).

"Whatever." I rolled my eyes in frustration. "Can you take me home now?"

With that, my father started the engine and began to head back to shore. I plopped onto the cooler and pulled out my phone.

Hrmm. Seems rather sudden to me. You haven't really allowed the discussion to settle in to the characters. The father seems way too reluctant to obey her daughter's wishes.

Overall impressions:

Overall, this was quite a decent read. You have a good concept and some awareness of control in your writing. However, there is room for improvement.

1) Narrator's voice.

Your narrator's pretty bland to me. A big reason for that is that she tends to describe what's actually happening much more than providing the audience a clearer idea of who she is as a person. The description of the shoe's a good start, but I would like more. As humans, we all act, think and look different from everyone else. It's your job to provide to us these specific details to make her stand out. Try drawing from your own experiences, it will help greatly.

Another reason why your narrator is bland is that her thoughts are very one sided. Humans are complex beings because we do things for a reason. There is never fully a right or wrong in what we do. But from the way the narrator expresses her feelings/thoughts to her father, it appears as though her father's completely in the wrong. As a reader, I can definitely see some pros about the father:

-He is determined and hard working
-He is providing revenue for the family so that they will be able to live better lives

Yet, is the narrator able to see this? Your narrator is a bit unrealistic at the moment since she has such a straight up way of viewing various aspects of her life.

2) More character interactions

I would love to see more interactions with other characters (i.e: her mother and friends). This will further characterize your narrator as well as adding more view points of the father and establishing more of the narrator's "safety net" (she has to express herself and her issues to someone right?) . You see, we all act differently to different people in our lives. For example, with one of my friends, I would make random vulgar jokes and use slang in our conversations since I've known her for quite a while and that she does it too (and is kind of tomboyish). However, with one of my other friends, I would be quite polite to her as she dislikes vulgarity and also because I do not know her as well as my other friends (not to mention I have a slight literacy crush on her so I have to make a good impression eh ). Through the way that characters act and speak with one another do we as the audience get a better understanding of them as real people.

At the end, you've only mentioned the name of the narrator's friends, but I don't see an actual friendship existing between the narrator and them since you haven't shown to us this interaction that exists in their friendship circle. The same can be said about the mother. You want to make your first chapter have enough momentum to catch the audiences attention (and possibly publishers). If your first chapter is lacking, then they might not be interested in reading the rest of your novel.

3) Describe the setting more and consider more of the implications of that society

I have a vague feeling that they live in some back water town, but there isn't enough specific description to make that impression concrete. Describe the setting more. By doing that, it will help the audience understand as to why certain events occur in the narrative. If they are living in a back water town, then this would be an excellent reason as to why the father has to work so much. (since businesses in such rural areas are generally inferior to that of those in urban areas due to how isolated rural areas are from the rest of society, resulting in lower revenue and hence, lower staff salaries).

Lastly, I want to show you this link: http://www.tki.org.nz/r/ncea/eng3_1Bv2_25jan06.doc

Take a look at the excellence exemplar in that. Learn as to why it got such a high grade and how it's so richly written (it's one of my favourite pieces). It pretty much does what I've written in this critique, plus more.

Anyways, I hope this critique has helped. I'll be sure to check out other sections of this.

Good luck.

Andy.

Thanks guys! I will definately use your advice and check out that link.
Oh and I'm really sorry for not reviewing as much. I'm doing as much as I can, but I will try and do more.

Thanks!
-Lindsey

12 months earlier...

Yeah, ha, cut it.

My dad turned around to see me fidgeting with the rod.

Dad turned and smirked at my struggles with the rod.

With weak hands, I tried to do as he said

No comma

Hesitantly, I looked at my father who was glaring at me with a frown

Hesitantly looking at my father, I cringed at the glaring frown he'd settled upon my face.

why I even suggested this fishing trip

why I'd

Where had that father gone?

Maybe italics that, because it's a thought?

there were already enough problems with my parents, and this news didn't seem to help their situation any better

no comma and 'problems with my parents an this, well, this didn't help anything

Unfortunately, I didn't know the horrors that awaited me in the future.

no comma

This is an interesting start. Prologue, right? Or preface, or whatever it's supposed to be called?

I like the setting, but the dialogue between the daughter/father feels so forced, which is a good thing? I'm not sure. Then the bit with Ethan - give them some emotion. He just smiles and they walk off. No hug? So teasing or kiss on the cheek?
Ah well, this is great. I'd read on. But maybe try not to end with 'horrors of the future' because she's either reminiscing on the past, or is in the past. So make sure you either have her living in the moment, or thinking back upon it.

"Dammit, Amber!" He walked to the other side of the boat, rubbing his eyes in frustration, his nostrils flared and I started to bite my nails.

As I sat down, still biting my nails, I tried to figure out why he cared so much. It was just an accident.

It sounded redundant.

He had to be joking, what father would miss his own daughter's Sweet Sixteen?

His business caused him to miss everything, and it was getting out of hand.

"Dad, Mom and I didn't want to say anything, but this is getting out of control. You and your business is causing our family to tear apart..."
Since Dad is capitalized Mom should be too, and because you're addressing her by that name.

...so tell me where do you go for four hours, huh, because I am getting sick and tired

...and handed me my surfboard. "Are you ready?"
I laughed and grabbed it.

It's was redudant.

Overall: The story was written well, but I find it boring. I dunno, it just might be the plot, or maybe nothing truely interesting has happened yet in the story.

Wow!
I like the surfing! And it's not like a lot of romantic fics- it has an edge to it with the dodgy family problems and the fact she thinks of her friends more like her family. And you've done really well with the MC, because she's more strong-minded, but we'll see if she's really like that, hey?

Um...a few pointers.

1. When you make a list of things or something, you don't need to put a comma before 'and' because the comma isn't needed.

EG: "When she dropped me off at the beach, I was greeted by Kris, Lexis, Ethan, and Chad."

After Ethan don't put a comma here.

So look through your peice and make sure things like that are edited.