New year was NOT what I expected it to be >_>
I got rather drunk at Stu’s and was having a pretty good time until I saw it was eleven o’clock and Nick still wasn’t here.
I got really angry, he was meant to be here at like nine. And I didn’t get why he had to go to Ross’ first anyway, why couldn’t Ross just come down to Stu’s with everyone else? And he’d promised me a good time on New Year. I’m sure he’d even used the word “extravaganza”, and he isn’t even here until damn close to midnight. What the fuck is that?
When I realize this I storm out of the house at no one in particular and stand in the driveway shivering and being pissed off. It’s a party, so nowhere is empty, and Rob is standing smoking out here.
He asks me if I’m okay, and I don’t even bother to pretend something for him, Rob isn’t my friend and any answer I give to that question basically means nothing.
Without a word I continue off down the drive, boots clinking like I’m a cowboy and breath clouding in the dark.
I keep walking till I hit the main road, thinking about how if I really was cowboy and Nick arrived now it’d end up some shoot off where the bullets were anger and justification.
I kick some grass a bit, and say fuck quite a lot, and then slump against a street sign and just breathe. A couple of minutes later I’m sick of being on my own and so I head back to the house.
Rob is gone from the driveway when I come back but two guys and a girl are just leaving.
“Rachael? Rachael, are you okay?” Kirsty asks.
Kirsty is an awful drunk; she had a fight with one of my friends earlier on and is pretty bitchy even when she isn’t drunk. I don’t even look at them.
“Whatever.”
When I get inside I sit down cross-legged in the hallway and hang my head so I can’t see anything through my hair. This is half because I want someone to come and talk to me, and half because I can’t be bothered socializing at all. After a bit Cara and Riley come and find me.
They ask what’s wrong and I ask them why Nick isn’t here yet and they pick me up and take me to the sofa. I am surprised because I thought Riley hated me. She always thought there was something going on between Jake and me, even though he’s just my best friend, but I guess now I’m with Nick she’s okay.
Maybe an hour later Becca tells me she’s phoned Nick and he’ll be here in five minutes. She was annoyed with him on the phone, and I’m oddly glad because I want him to know how angry/sad/annoyed it has made me that he’s so late. And that the whole night hasn’t been the same, something missing, until he gets here.
I’m sitting on a chair in the kitchen, slumped on the counter, head in my arms. You know what I hate? People that don’t care asking if you’re okay. Its not like you can just say yes or no. And they don’t really mean it. They don’t want you to tell them that you’re annoyed because your boyfriend is late, and upset because you miss him. They want you to say, “yeah I’m fine” so they can get on with having a good time and don’t have to feel guilty they left you there without saying anything. I fucking hate it.
Becca poked me in the side and told me that Nick was here, that he’d arrived, and I stayed like I was. I wanted him to have to come and find me, because I wasn’t going to go up to the door tail wagging when I just been so angry at him.
I’m listening for signs of him, but I don’t hear his voice, or anyone saying his name but suddenly I'm dragged off the chair and I'm leaning against him.
I hear him laugh when Becca tells him how drunk I am and I can’t find it in me to confront him and ask what took him so long. He spends a lot of time catching me when I stumble over to something.
He spends a while convincing me that I’m not annoying him. I always get that when I’m drunk, the feeling that I’m just a nuisance to everyone. And then I ask them; I go “I’m sorry, am I being really annoying?” which I think ironically becomes more annoying than just being drunk. Nick tells me I’m not annoying, that I just…flop around a lot.
“But…is it not annoying having to look after me like this?”
“No.” he says. That’s it, just no.
By this time he has followed me up to the upstairs landing, where I went looking for Andrew when Total Eclipse of The Heart came on. I couldn’t find him and I sat down on one of the chairs up here because suddenly I couldn’t be bothered going all the way down again, even though I’d left Nick in the kitchen and told him not to move, not one inch.
Graham had found me here, and asked if I was okay (it’s okay when Graham asks, because I know he actually cares and wants to hear the real answer) and I mumbled that I missed Nick and where was he? I’d lost him.
“I’ll go down and find Nick for you.”
I close my eyes again and not even a second later Nick is in front of me, which makes me think I’ve fallen asleep or passed out or something.
Nick sits on the chair next to me and I ask him why there are dining chairs up here.
“What?”
“Its just weird, don’t you think its weird? I mean, I get computer chairs in like a bedroom or a study, but DINING chairs. In the hallway? Don’t you think it’s kind of surreal?”
He has no idea what I’m talking about. I don’t think I do either actually.
“Uh, not really, no.”
I realize we are alone, and this is a first since I’ve seen him. I kiss him, or he kisses me, and I want…I want…
Actually what I want is to be sober, so I wouldn’t have to feel as though as I’m only doing this because I’m drunk. At least I don’t want HIM to think that. I would be doing this sober. Believe me.
Monta has come upstairs to use the bathroom and she stutters awkwardly “Oh. Uh...sorry guys. I’m just going.”
I lean my head on his shoulder and remove my hand from his crotch. His barely moves from my thigh. Oddly he doesn’t seem to care at all about people interrupting.
I almost consider sneaking into a bedroom, but decide against it as it seems to cross the line between spontaneous and sleazy. I don’t think anyone’s been in the bedrooms and I feel as if they're out of bounds, so its not much more than a quickly crushed thought.
After Monta excuses herself from the toilet and tots downstairs he kisses me again, or I kiss him, and we’re left alone again for a while, at least, long enough for us to get into it enough to want to go somewhere else.
Surprisingly its him who suggests the bathroom and, when I’m relatively sure that is in fact what he said, we relocate and I think he locks the door. We make out for ten minutes or twenty, or some other number.
“Who’s in the bathroom?”
“I don’t know, I saw Monta go up here a while ago”
“It can’t still be her”
“I really need to gooooo….”
“Uhmm...”
I really don’t want to go out with him to three or four people, all of whom know exactly what we’ve been doing in here. Or maybe assume we’ve been doing WORSE than we actually did in here…. Is that bad? I don’t know, I just really don’t like the idea. I think for a bit while Nick looks confused.
After a brief (and relatively dull) light bulb appearing above my head I sit down by the toilet and lean my head in my arms on it. Nick is still confused, really I don’t see how he can’t get my cunning plan…
“You can open the door now”
He does, and they come in and coo and ooh and aaah and ask if I’ve been sick and am I okay?
Cara barges in and goes to the sink, she is as drunk as me now, and very hyper.
Everyone is all very concerned about me and but I don’t feel bad about pretending to be sick, actually I think it’s a bit funny, so I hid my grin under my hair again.
Nick asks if I’m coming with him to Ross’s and though it seems simple enough, it becomes an immensely difficult question. I’m caught between wanting to stay with my friends –and not knowing or liking Ross all that well- and having to sit and wait for him to come back.
When it comes to it, I don’t actually remember saying yes, I assume Nick decided he couldn’t leave me to fend for myself without some kind of maiming or injury ensuing and so he organized my jacket and bag finding and putting on. I followed him with Jake to Ross’s house.
We get to Ross’ house and there are a couple of people there, none of which I don’t particularly like, but I didn’t really want to leave the party and my friends and I’m dying to get back.
After a while I realize we’re not going back again, and I’m a bit pissed, because now I have sobered up somewhat and Nick is getting tipsy. I don’t dislike the company here, I’m just bored out of my mind, I don’t know these people and I miss my friends.
It gets to six in the morning and I feel like I’ve been cheated out of half my new year. I sincerely wish I had stayed at Stu’s and waited for him to come back. At least that way he WOULD have come back.
Now my make up is desecrated, my skin is drying out and I feel pretty gross when, out of nowhere, Nick, while gesturing wildly in conversation, manages to hit me square in the face.
Fucking hell that hurts. I squeak in pain and he looks mortified and very very sorry. He hugs me but my eye is watering like hell and it feels like its gonna bruise.
How perfect, I’m gonna have a whopping shiner to explain to my mum that WAS Nick but it was an accident, and not domestic abuse.
After ten minutes I’m able to open my eye, and after half an hour it feels relatively normal. I check it in the bathroom mirror, kind of half not wanting to see my face, because I don’t have moisturizer or foundation or any of the implements that might make me look more normal in my bag with me. Doesn’t seem bruised, just a bit red. Hopefully it’ll be fine.
Nick is apologetic and I’m not mad at him as such, its just another thing added to the list of things I didn’t really want to happen tonight.
We start walking home at half six in the morning, and Nick walks me all the way home (like usual) and it puts me in a marginally better mood. By the time we’ve said goodnight and I’ve trudged up the garden in my clinking boots I’m ready to go to sleep and not think about another party until next year.
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An excerpt from my diary. New Year.
R rated in case. I still don't know what that is.
