Jehovah. Elohim. Buddha. Allah. Haile Selassie. John Lennon. Who am I really? If I had a penny for every time one of my angels asked me that, I’d be even more infinitely richer than I am already. Well to tell you the truth, I’m god. The god. The one every single church, temple or shrine or in the world is plugged directly into. Every time you pray in the general vicinity of a ‘holy’ place, I hear you. I tell you, its a bugger when people are nattering on to you when you’re trying to concentrate on something. Still, it comes with the territory of being the one and only I suppose.
When the publishers first contacted me about writing this autobiography, I was at first cautious. Why I wondered, would people want to read about my life when they could be reading Jordan’s or Jodie Marsh’s latest offering? I was at last persuaded by a vast amount of money and the promise that it would be serialised in the Sun’s Saturday edition. If you are reading this in the sun, please turn to page three to see another one of Jordan’s or Jodie Marsh’s latest offerings.
Just a quick note about the publishers; they are essentially a heaven run company who specialise in dropping pamphlets into earth for mass consumption. It is the quickest way of getting information to people on earth. Heaven is actually behind 23% of all propaganda in the circulation, studies have shown.
I suppose I better start at the beginning. The vast majority of what people know is normally taught by other people. Parents, teachers or mentors. Not me though. Completely self taught. One day, I just happened to wake up on a extremely large cloud. No previous recollection of my life before. I was merely a small, innocent, little boy; but I had an immense feeling of power running through my veins. I began to scratch my head in bemusement, and all of a sudden there was a big bang. Or should I say the Big Bang. The single greatest act in the whole history of the universe was caused by a mere itch on the head of stupid old(?) me.
I’d say it took me about 9 billion years before I was able to start controlling my extraordinary powers. That’s when I created Earth. Except it didn’t go entirely to plan. For approximately the next 4 billion years, the earth took a little while to settle down. It wasn’t all that safe. But during that time, I’d been formulating a plan. I called it plan human being. I created heaven and hell. All my angels and the prince of darkness took shape. I fine-tuned earth a little bit. Got rid of the extreme heat and blinding light. Put the stars in all the right places. All that was needed were some human beings.
252 million years ago, I began to craft my humans. I closed my eyes, clicked my fingers and instead of the friendly cockney hello I expected from my creation, I heard a roar. I opened my eyes and there was no beautiful being as I had anticipated, nay, dreamed of. There was only a herd of surprisingly large Tyrannosaurus rex. I gawped at them, open mouthed and crazy eyed. I felt symptoms of incredulousness and severe vomiting. My plan was wrecked. Dinosaurs roamed the earth for the next 200 million years, beyond my contol.
It was at my 13 935th million birthday party that I finally had a brainwave. The devil was showing off as usual that he would never allow a calamity such as the whole dinosaur fiasco to happen in his domain. I was too depressed at my old age to argue back. My depression was entirely understandable as I had just discovered my first grey hair. I just laying there listening to his smug rant. I barely heard him when he said he would just kill them off and blame it on mass starvation. The devil carried in much the same vain for a while longer until it finally clicked. No-one would ever know.
The reason why I was so desperate to keep my murderous side secret was because of a set of laws I had made myself comply too. Even when you’re the most powerful being in the universe, it is still important to have rules and regulations. For instance, I tried to only to create on Earth - never kill. I also cannot force anyone to do anything against their own will. Hence why there is no Mrs God.
In the end, I decided to plump for a meteorite instead of mass starvation. More believable. So, that is how it came to pass; 65 million years ago Adam became the first man to appear on Earth, and Eve was the first women.
Moreover, sat there at home or perhaps at work, you may not realise how momentous a revelation this is. Growing up, it will have been bamboozled into your brain that I caused the Great Floods (Noah’s ark and all that all, though that sort of is true- I‘ll get to that later) and that I am as beautiful as I am cruel. Movies will have surely taught you that. But up until now, no-one new the truth. Everyone up here genuinely thought a meteorite did just hit the earth. As a reader of this book, you’re part of history; the first group of beings to discover how normal I really am. I am normal. I feel like shouting it from the cloud tops. I am normal. I‘m no different from you, I face the same type of hard decisions, admittedly on a larger scale, and may occasionally come to the wrong conclusions. Temptation affects all of us. At the end of the day, something beautiful came out of it: the human race.
I feel terrible for what I did. I try to be a nice guy but whenever possible, but I couldn’t take the secrecy anymore. This book is my release, an opportunity to come clean. The dinosaurs really weren’t all that bad, just a bit, you know, violent. I hope you will understand why I did what I did and forgive me. Can you blame a guy for wanting intelligent beings to roam his domain?
At first Adam and Eve only resembled what humans now call ‘monkeys’ but I assure you, at the time they were considered rather cutting edge. After a few years of prosperous regenareration, I took a major step in my life. I cut off earth. My powers could no longer effect earth’s going ons. I left a few guidelines in place to maintain my premiership over the Earthlings:
1. Everything human being upon Earth must die and go to the sorting plant between heaven and hell.
2. Upon arriving, he/she will be offered a court appointed lawyer and
their case will be heard by either myself, the devil or a selected representitive.
3. Humans must maintain the circle of life that exists between humans and animals, who have been on Earth far longer than humans.
Please note: This rule basically translates as: All vegetarians will face eternal damnation.
If I’m completely honest, I hadn’t anticipated humans taking quite so long to establish civilasation. The whole process of evolving took bloody ages as well. It was really boring up in heaven until a few thousand years ago. Everyone was so unbelievably stupid. They couldn’t read, they couldn’t write, all they could do was draw weird pictures on cave walls. Generally speaking using their own blood.
In modern day society, not that many people believe in me and heaven and all that religion nonsense. They say if there was a God, I wouldn’t let bad things happen. They don’t relise that there is nothing I can do since I cut off earth. The angels have even banned me from using the majority of my powers in heaven. Okay, there were a few accidents, but accidents happen- right?
At the moment, more people are going into hell than heaven which means that heaven is getting rather predictable again, just like the old times. Same people, different decade. There’s only so many times you can take Tolkein asking you if you really believed middle earth was real. He is one insecure novelist. Well anyway, so many people are in hell, that the devil is getting delirious with glee. We’ve put him on a drip to dilute the flow of evil.
Arguably one of the major events in the history of mankind is the birth of my son, Jesus Christ. The only thing is, he isn’t actually my son. I’ve been waiting 2000 thousands years to tell people that. Right now, that deluded delinquent is rotting in the deepest depths of hell. You see, Jesus was merely a very talented doctor, who stumbled upon many cures for diseases that modern doctors still havn’t discovered. He used his talents to pass himself of as God’s son and made up some bollocks about the holy trinity and holy ghost. He actually invented the word holy. According to him, everything was holy. But, to be fair to the lad, holy is one heck of a catchy word.
Of course, once Jesus did his thing, everyone was a Christian. Most of my angels even considered becoming a Christian at one point just because they felt left out. Talk about jumping on the halowagon. I like most other religions but definitely not Christianity. I quite like Jews because there is at least some truth in what they are saying. They may have exaggerated a bit, and got a few things mixed up, but they basically got the right idea. Noah’s Ark is a prime example. Yes, at one point, millions and millions of years ago, I did send a flood, but not all over the world. Just around the Leeds area to get rid of a really violent breed of dogs. Unfortunately, they survived and nowadays they’re known as the Yorkshire terrier. How the Jewish forefathers knew about that is a mystery to me as there was no living human survivors, except for those in the ark, but they all died of an early form of Chlamydia in the end anyway. I’m guessing the Jews made the Noah story up, and just happened to get lucky. And I for one admire that.
Hinduism is a good religion to follow because it’s so unbelievably vague and has so little real substance, that everyone who follows it has to be really clever just to understand it. I actually don’t understand Hinduism myself. The reason why practically all Hindus get into heaven is purely selfish on my behalf - I want some intelligent conversation. They make really good food as well.
I’m a big fan of Sikhs: in there own weird, wonderful, and roundabout way they hit the nail on the head. Granted, they are prone to elaborate on me and my sophisticatedness (or not as the case may be!), but essentially they’ve got the right idea. I know they believe in salvation and not heaven or hell, but it’s always funny to watch their reactions, when they find out heaven and hell actually do exist. Futhermore, turbans are cool on epic proportions. If I was a human I’d probably be a Sikh.
Buddhists annoy me slightly because as whenever they reach the afterlife, it takes them ages to cotton on to the fact that they have not in reincarnated, and will not die again. Most Buddhists carry on meditating once in heaven as well. Way too wishy washy for my tastes.
However the real thorn in the side of me are Chistians and muslims. Three reason why:
1. They are obsessed by either Jesus or Mohammed respectively. They refuse to accept that they are both liars. The latter is actually in the mental health clinic in the sorting plant, awaiting a cure for his issues, as a trial can only go ahead if the defendant is of a sound state of mind.
2. They never stop squabbling- the amount of arguments that bubble over into fistie cuffs in heaven over the crusades is unbelievable. In the past year alone, I’ve had to banish 17000 people to hell on grounds of violent conduct over debates on the rightful ruler of Jerusalem. Jews.
3. To compound the situation even more, the different sects within both Christianity and Islam leads to a great deal many internal arguments. For instance, the greek orthodox church, has got in for their Russian counterparts. Last year, the greeks attempted an elaborate plan to discredit the Russian orthodox church by spreading rumours that the last emporer of Russia was(somewhat bizarrely) a transsexual. To settle the debate, the emporer had to strip naked in public to prove his manhood. Or indeed lack of it.
So, what I’m really getting at here is that heaven isn’t always a nice place to live. Some might say that eternal life isn’t all that it is cracked up to be. Peace once dead is promised by all religions, but in reality it is quite different. The boos who you think picks on you will die too, the nagging wife who never shuts up will as well and so will the next door neighbour who never cut their side of the hedge. Heaven is the ultimate in all multi-cultralel experiences which can bring out the racist, homophone and snob in the most accepting of people. Add to that every single human who has ever died but who hasn’t gone to hell and that’s a pretty explosive cocktail. Imagine how well a silent monk from the middle ages gets on with Freddie Mercury? Well, apart from the obvious sexual chemistry, not that well.
I have identified what the main problem is though (sorry to harp on about it but being God it is a pretty crucial issue): Religion. Although I may like some and others not so much, they make heaven out to be much different to earth which it isn’t. They can’t help but be a bit disappointed when they get here. It’s like disney land.
Atheists on the other hand are much more happy when they get here. They died fairly sure there was no afterlife, so when they discovered there is they’re very grateful indeed. I have a lot of respect for atheists as based on the evidence available to mankind, I would come to the same conclusions as them. But, then again to have enough conviction in the power of your believe to die peacefully and not at all worried takes a lot of bravery as it is basically completely blind faith. Or, they’re to scared to face the seemingly real world, so religion is the only thing that pulls them through. But if that helps them sleep at night you can’t argue with that. Either way, I have my likes and dislikes but your religion or lack of it won’t stop you getting into heaven. Your actions are the only deciding factor in the sorting plant. Once you reach heaven you and you face the monotomey and squabbles of everyday afterlife, you may wish you were elsewhere, perhaps……..
Hell. The most horrid place possible to spend your time. For once, when it comes to hell, Hollywood has got right. A big red monster with a tail and horns who makes those who have led a life of ‘sin’ that is beyond retrebution, pay for their actions by doing unbearable tasks and having unspeakable things do to them. It is quite literally the stuff of nightmares. Which brings me on to probably my proudest achievement. For you see when I was creating Adam and Eve ( who are both living happily and healthily in heaven by the way despite those stories about the apple) I stumbled upon a rather genius way of harnessing the human subconscious to recreate what the future would be like in hell if the mind ever acted upon the hearts deepest, darkest and most dangerous thoughts. You may not realise this, but every human has as much evil in them as the next one. Nightmares are the way of separating those who are truly evil by following their devilish desires knowing subconconciously, punishment would come. If we act against these urges, the more desireable human qualities are developed. But nightmares still remain with all humans till the day they die just to keep them on the straight and narrow. Dreams I’m sure I hear you ask, where do they come from? They are quite simply an example of the unique quality of humanity to remain optimistic in the face of irrefutable evil. That is something that is entirely beyond my control.
One things I’m often asked on what basis is someone sent to heaven, in more than the general sense. Well, each case is individual though several basic factors have to be taken into account:
Is the defendant truly sorry? If he is, rehabilitation in Heaven is perhaps all that is necessary, though not everything is beyond redemption. The other factors have to be taken into account.
How severe is the sin? How much damage was caused. Although eternal life is unavoidable, so murder may not seem such a big deal anymore, I assure you it is. The whole basis of life on earth is too decide where every human deserves to spend eternity. If murder is committed on earth, some of the time they won’t be trusted to live in heaven, though many do have surprisingly good reasons for murder. Rape and Paedophilia are the only sins beyond total redemption.
Why did they do it? Circumstamce in heaven is 9/10ths of the law in the sorting plant. If someone genuinely did something as they thought they were doing the greater good it is hard to argue with that. But the line has too be drawn somewhere. For example: Hitler thought he was acting for the greater good, so an argument could be made that he should be forgiven. But, as his beliefs were based upon a foundation of all races going against each other, their own need to survive is perhaps understandable but through the extiction of all other races is unforgivable. However, if a man is brought up in a tribe that preaches cannibalism, never comes across another way of life and never knows anything else, he should be accepted into heaven as how was he supposed to know if he was doing anything wrong in the first place? A key issue is nature vs. nurture. I believe nature is more important, as parents or whoever else shouldn’t dictate a persons life for eternity. Intelligence is also important, because if a person isn’t clever enough to realsie what they’re doing is wrong then an intensive education course can be entered into upon arrival in the sorting plant so a fair trail can take place.
As I get towards the end of this book, I’m sure one question is on everyone’s mind, regradless of the many others that may be circulating. The time has come to answer it: Why release all this information now, after thousands of years of keeping previous generations of the human race in the dark during the thousands of years since Adam and Eve? To be honest, there may never be a right time to release information of this magnitude. Once humans know the truth, regardless of situation, very rarely do they act the same as before, and nor would I expect them to. The truth hurts as the old expression goes. So, to the truth. Humans are making a complete cock up of the earth at the moment. During the past 200 hundred years, the earth has made such dramatic technological advances that the human conscious hasn’t been able to keep up.
Widespread war, famine, genocide and terroism. All while a select few sit pretty at the top of the pile, dictating the way of the world for their own ends.. They have the power to control governments and collapse stock markets; starve a country and drug up an entire nation. And why is this any different to any other day in age? There has always been wars and famine, and there has always been an unelected elite. But nowadays humans have the intelligence to realsie what they’re doing is wrong, yet they still do it. So do not let yourself be brainwashed like those billions of other robots. New technologies have made it a lot easier to do the wrong thing. There are no excuses. Do all you all you can to stop the new problems like as global warming and the decimation of the rainforests. Oh, and killing people much more easily………
Humans now have enough understanding of the ways of the world to do the right thing, yet it is a rare moment of compassion when they actually do. This is a warning. Earth really is dying and there is nothing I can do except warn you. Start leading better lives. Delve into your subconscious and imagine your worst nightmare. I can guarantee that you will not like it. .You have been told what will happen if you do not help to stop humanities problems. Follow your heart, do not be dictated to and do what you think is right, for you will regret it if you don’t. A change better come or else it will be at the cost of the human race and billions of individual lives. I promise you, earth really is dying.
As for me, my existence is a strange one. The same worries that have crippled humanity since humans first began to question their own mortality reside in me. Why am I here? What is my purpose in ‘life’? Just as you will have worried what the point was and who was up there, so do I. I try to do the best I can and lead a happy life. I hope so far I have achieved my goal, but it is so lonely being me. I have the amount of power to decide so much, yet is it really my place? Heaven, hell and earth pretty much run themdelves these days but is that a good thing? My job is on the line and retirement is proving to be a chastening experience. The current lot inhabiting earth (you) just make me depressed. Is that what my life has been reduced to? Watching a bunch of cruel uncompassionate idiots ruin so hard what I have strived to achieve? I just hope you heed my message.
So, in conclusion, let’s pray I may run into you one day. Although I may complain a bit, Heaven is a great place. Here’s hoping you make it.
