Marcus And His Mysterious Travels: The Window Escape

So here is my first non poetry story on YWS. Hope you like it! It may turn out to be a series of short stories but I don't know. Thanks!

AJ

Marcus And His Mysterious Travels
The Window Escape


There once was a boy named Marcus Hall, who never went out his bedroom door. He slept there, he ate there, and he lived his whole life in his bedroom. You may be wondering how this little boy of twelve was able to live in his bedroom without the necessities in life, like food or a bathroom and in truth he didn’t. Every morning and every night his caring mother would bring him food to eat and water to drink and place it through a small hole Marcus had carved into his door. She loved him very much and hoped one day he would finally come out of his bedroom but until then she continued to care for him as any normal mother would.
As for a bathroom, no one really knows how he survived without one. And for the other necessities, Marcus was content to live without them. However his father and mother insisted on an education, but Marcus declared he would not go to school. So each month teachers from the local school would come up to his room quiz him on the subjects they thought a young man should know. Marcus was especially good at geography and this confounded his teachers. How could a boy that supposedly never left his room know so much about the places outside it! And Marcus certainly did. He knew every state, country, continent and island. He could name every stream, river, lake and ocean ever discovered and did so when anyone was willing to listen. The mystery of Marcus and his knowledge was like a swarm of bees inside the teacher’s heads. Buzzing around until their minds exploded with annoyance. They just had to find out! So, one month when the teachers were gathered in the living room below Marcus’s bedroom waiting for Marcus to call them up to quiz him, they decided to ask. One by one they marched up the wooden stairs toward the boy’s room. Halfway up the stairs though the teachers and Marcus’s parents saw a flash of white coming from stairway window. A white sheet, knotted into a crude rope was swinging back and forth across the outside of the glass. “How odd!” Mrs. Farace—a history teacher with an unpleasantly shrill voice—exclaimed as they watched the sheet-rope with wide eyes. So quick --you would have missed to if you blinked—a small figure scaled down the rope, his face covered with a black scarf. Mrs. Hall—who had been watching the whole scene with wide eyes—stumbled back in shock as the figure climbed down the side of her house. “Oh my!” she squealed, tripping halfway down the stairs before Mr. Hall caught her. The figure landed softly on the ground and started walking towards the train station, never looking back. “What if he did something to Marcus!” Mrs. Hall squealed again and shot up the stairs, knocking down half the teachers in the process. After collecting them selves off the floor the group of teachers and Mr. Hall followed her toward Marcus’s room. They found her pushing all her weight against the door in a attempt to budge it open with no success. “Allow me, miss.” Coach Hector—a strong, beefy looking man who had only come today because he was promised donuts afterward—stepped up toward the door and gave a great heave. With the sound like nails on a chalk board the door moved an inch. “Here let me help!” Mr. Hall offered and stepped up with Coach Hector. Nothing happened. Soon every single teacher was pushing against the door. Even Ms. Rangel—who was a ninety-seven year old biology teacher—was using all her strength against the door. Slowly but surely the door started to open revealed more and more of Marcus’s room. The first thing any of them noticed was how clean the room was for a boy’s bedroom. Not even a gram of dust! “Well I’ll be!” Mr. Howard—the scrawny geography teacher who was so intent on finding out Marcus’s secret—exclaimed as he viewed the walls of the boy’s room. Dozens of maps hung loosely by nails on his walls, giving the room an odd wallpaper. One big map on his ceiling was covered in red thump taks, so much that it was hard to see the map itself. The last thing the group saw before the door collapsed beneath their weight and hurled them into Marcus’s empty room was a white sheet, knotted into a long rope that hung from Marcus’s bedroom window.

Marcus had never gone out his bedroom door. The window on the other hand was an entirely different matter.

The End.

come on! review!

Hello,
i really enjoyed this story! There are some minor changes that should be made but hey nothings ever perfect But it would really be easier to read if it was indented into paragraphs.

he lived his whole life in his bedroom.

This isn't nessasary because in the sentence above you said that he never came out of his bedroom so it is just implied that he lived there his whole life.

You may be wondering how this little boy of twelve was able to live in his bedroom without the necessities in life, like food or a bathroom, and in truth he didn’t..

Every morning and every night his caring mother would bring him food to eat and water to drink and place it through a small hole Marcus had carved into his door.

This is a run on sentence and should be separated into two sentences so it is easier to read
For example:
Every morning and every night his caring mother would bring him food to eat and water to drink. She would place it through a small hole marcus had carved into his door.
That isn't the best example i was just trying to give you something to think about.

She loved him very much and hoped one day he would finally come out of his bedroom, but until then she continued to care for him as any normal mother would..

[s]And[/s] for the other necessities, Marcus was content to live without them.

You should never start a sentence with the word and or the word but and i think in this certain sentence the word and can just be deleted and it would still make perfect sense.

Marcus was especially good at geography, and this confounded his teachers.

.

How could a boy that supposedly never left his room know so much about the places outside it?.

.

[s]And[/s] Marcus certainly did

Again the And should never start a sentence, but also I think this sentence is just being redundant.

He could name every stream, river, lake and ocean ever discovered, and did so when anyone was willing to listen.

Buzzing around until their minds exploded with annoyance.

This isn't a full sentence it is just a phrase.

Halfway up the stairs [s]though[/s] the teachers and Marcus’s parents saw a flash of white coming from stairway window.

“How odd!” Mrs. Farace—a history teacher with an unpleasantly shrill voice—exclaimed as they watched the sheet-rope with wide eyes.

This should be indented because some one is talking.

So quick --you would have missed to if you blinked—a small figure scaled down the rope, his face covered with a black scarf.

"--" are not needed in the story the sentence would make perfect sense with out them and the one after the word blinked could be a coma.

Mrs. Hall—who had been watching the whole scene with wide eyes—stumbled back in shock as the figure climbed down the side of her house.

Both of the "-" should be comas.

“Oh my!” she squealed, tripping halfway down the stairs before Mr. Hall caught her.

This should be indented because some one is talking.

The figure landed softly on the ground, and started walking towards the train station, never looking back.

“What if he did something to Marcus!” Mrs. Hall squealed again and shot up the stairs, knocking down half the teachers in the process.

This should be indented because some one is talking.

After collecting them selves off the floor the group of teachers and Mr. Hall followed her toward Marcus’s room.

themselves is one word

“Allow me, miss.” Coach Hector—a strong, beefy looking man who had only come today because he was promised donuts afterward—stepped up toward the door and gave a great heave.

Once again some one is talking so it should be indented and the "-" should be a coma.

“Here let me help!” Mr. Hall offered and stepped up with Coach Hector.

Some one is talking so it needs to be indented

Nothing happened.

You can do better than this i know you can! Maybe you could put the door would even budge a milimeter so all the other teachers starting pushing against the door. Or some thing along those lines. Its just a suggestion.

Even Ms. Rangel—who was a ninety-seven year old biology teacher—was using all her strength against the door.

again the "-" should be comas

Slowly, but surely the door started to open revealed more and more of Marcus’s room.

“Well I’ll be!” Mr. Howard—the scrawny geography teacher who was so intent on finding out Marcus’s secret—exclaimed as he viewed the walls of the boy’s room.

Indent when some one is talking and the "-" should be comas.

One big map on his ceiling was covered in red thump taks, so much that it was hard to see the map itself.

just a silly spelling mistake it should be thumb tacks

The last thing the group saw before the door collapsed beneath their weight, and hurled them into Marcus’s empty room was a white sheet, knotted into a long rope that hung from Marcus’s bedroom window.

This is a run on sentence and makes the reader frustrated on what you're trying to say. It should be in two separate sentences.
For example:
Before the door collasped against their weight, and hurled them into Marcus's empty room they saw some thing unexpectedly. It was a white sheet, knotted into a long rope that hung from his window.
Thats just a suggestion.

Marcus had never gone out his bedroom door. The window on the other hand was an entirely different matter.

I love how you ended it! It gives you room to come up with sequeals or for the reader to make their own conclusion!

hope my critque wasn't to harsh I really did like this story very creative.

Much encouragement
- Tiffany

Wow, I have never gotten such a long review before! Thank you!
I realize there are a lot of errors-- this is after all the first draft-- and you helped me so much by pointing them out. I am working on a sequel right now but it probably won't be up until after Christmas. Thanks again.

SimplyPersnikety~

Posted: Mon Oct 20, 2008 5:04 am Post subject: Marcus And His Mysterious Travels: The Window Escape

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So here is my first non poetry story on YWS. Hope you like it! It may turn out to be a series of short stories but I don't know. Thanks!

AJ

Marcus And His Mysterious Travels
The Window Escape


There once was a boy named Marcus Hall, who never went out his bedroom door. He slept there, he ate there, and he lived his whole life in his bedroom. You may be wondering how this little boy of twelve was able to live in his bedroom without the necessities in life, like food or a bathroom and in truth he didn’t. Every morning and every night his caring mother would bring him food to eat and water to drink and place it through a small hole Marcus had carved into his door. She loved him very much and hoped one day he would finally come out of his bedroom but until then she continued to care for him as any normal mother would. At first I thought you'd gone crazy but then I realised it was a children's book, that's such a good idea
As for a bathroom, no one really knows how he survived without one. And for Did you mean as for here? It just seems to work better the other necessities, Marcus was content to live without them. However his father and mother insisted on an education, but Marcus declared he would not go to school. So each month teachers from the local school would come up to his room quiz him on the subjects they thought a young man should know. Marcus was especially good at geography and this confounded his teachers. How could a boy that supposedly never left his room know so much about the places outside it! And Marcus certainly did. He knew every state, country, continent and island. He could name every stream, river, lake and ocean ever discovered and did so when anyone was willing to listen. The mystery of Marcus and his knowledge was like a swarm of bees inside the teacher’s heads. Buzzing around until their minds exploded with annoyance. They just had to find out! So, one month when the teachers were gathered in the living room below [s]Marcus’s[/s] Marcus' bedroom waiting for Marcus to call them up to quiz him, they decided to ask. One by one they marched up the wooden stairs toward the boy’s room. Halfway up the stairs though the teachers and Marcus’s parents saw a flash of white coming from stairway window. A white sheet, knotted into a crude rope was swinging back and forth across the outside of the glass. “How odd!” Mrs. Farace—a history teacher with an unpleasantly shrill voice—exclaimed as they watched the sheet-rope with wide eyes. So quick --you would have missed to if you blinked—a small figure scaled down the rope, his face covered with a black scarf. Mrs. Hall—who had been watching the whole scene with wide eyes—stumbled back in shock as the figure climbed down the side of her house. “Oh my!” she squealed, tripping halfway down the stairs before Mr. Hall caught her. The figure landed softly on the ground and started walking towards the train station, never looking back. “What if he did something to Marcus!” Mrs. Hall squealed again and shot up the stairs, knocking down half the teachers in the process. After collecting them selves off the floor the group of teachers and Mr. Hall followed her toward Marcus’s room. They found her pushing all her weight against the door in a attempt to budge it open with no success. “Allow me, miss.” Coach Hector—a strong, beefy looking man who had only come today because he was promised donuts afterward—stepped up toward the door and gave a great heave. With the sound like nails on a chalk board the door moved an inch. “Here let me help!” Mr. Hall offered and stepped up with Coach Hector. Nothing happened. Soon every single teacher was pushing against the door. Even Ms. Rangel—who was a ninety-seven year old biology teacher—was using all her strength against the door. Slowly but surely the door started to open revealed more and more of Marcus’s room. The first thing any of them noticed was how clean the room was for a boy’s bedroom. Not even a gram of dust! “Well I’ll be!” Mr. Howard—the scrawny geography teacher who was so intent on finding out Marcus’s secret—exclaimed as he viewed the walls of the boy’s room. Dozens of maps hung loosely by nails on his walls, giving the room an odd wallpaper. One big map on his ceiling was covered in red thump taks, so much that it was hard to see the map itself. The last thing the group saw before the door collapsed beneath their weight and hurled them into [s]Marcus’s[/s] empty room was a white sheet, knotted into a long rope that hung from [s]Marcus’s[/s] bedroom window.

Marcus had never gone out his bedroom door. The window on the other hand was an entirely different matter.

The End.


This was really good. I could see it published as a children's book. The only grammar error I noticed was the spelling of Marcus' it is spelt Marcus' not Marcus's.

Good job

I hope you write more and perhaps even publish them for young children


If you want more reviews I'd recommend you split this up into more paragraphs, just now it kind of goes on for a single continous one and this makes it harder to read.

-Kirsten xxx

There once was a boy named Marcus Hall, who never went out his bedroom door. You could probably leave out that last part. It sounded a little awkward and repetitive.

You may be wondering how this little boy of twelve was able to survive in his bedroom without any of the things that we commonly receive when not in our bedrooms and, in truth, he didn’t. Every morning and every night his caring mother would bring him food to eat and water to drink and place it through a small hole Marcus had carved into his door. She loved him very much and hoped one day he would finally come out of his bedroom, but until he did she continued to care for him as any normal mother would.

As for a bathroom, no one really knows how he survived without one. And for the other necessities, Marcus was content to live without them. However, his father and mother insisted on an education. Unfortunately, Marcus declared he would not go to school. So, each month, teachers from the local school would come up to his room quiz him on the subjects they thought a young man should know.

Marcus was especially good at geography and this confounded his teachers. How could a boy that supposedly never left his room know so much about the places outside it? And Marcus certainly did. He knew every state, country, continent and island. He could name every stream, river, lake and ocean ever discovered and did so when anyone was willing to listen.

The mystery of Marcus and his knowledge was like a swarm of bees inside the teacher’s heads, buzzing around until their minds exploded with annoyance. They just had to find out!

So, one month when the teachers were gathered in the living room below Marcus’s bedroom waiting for Marcus to call them up to quiz him, they decided to ask. One by one, they marched up the wooden stairs toward the boy’s room. Halfway up the stairs, the teachers and Marcus’s parents saw a flash of white coming from stairway window. A white sheet, knotted into a crude rope was swinging back and forth across the outside of the glass.

“How odd!” Mrs. Farace—a history teacher with an unpleasantly shrill voice—exclaimed as they watched the sheet-rope with wide eyes. So quick, you would have missed to if you blinked, a small figure scaled down the rope, his face covered with a black scarf. Mrs. Hall—who had been watching the whole scene with wide eyes—stumbled back in shock as the figure climbed down the side of her house.

“Oh my!” she squealed, tripping halfway down the stairs before Mr. Hall caught her. The figure landed softly on the ground and started walking towards the train station, never looking back.

“What if he did something to Marcus!” Mrs. Hall squealed again and shot up the stairs, knocking down half the teachers in the process. After collecting them selves off the floor the group of teachers and Mr. Hall followed her toward Marcus’s room. They found her pushing all her weight against the door in a attempt to budge it open with no success.

“Allow me, miss.” Coach Hector—a strong, beefy-looking man who had only come today because he was promised donuts afterward—stepped up toward the door and gave a great heave. With the sound like nails on a chalk board the door moved an inch.

“Here let me help!” Mr. Hall offered and stepped up with Coach Hector. Nothing happened. Soon every single teacher was pushing against the door. Even Ms. Rangel—who was a ninety-seven year old biology teacher—was using all her strength against the door. Slowly but surely the door started to open revealed more and more of Marcus’s room. The first thing any of them noticed was how clean the room was for a boy’s bedroom. Not even a gram of dust!

“Well I’ll be!” Mr. Howard—the scrawny geography teacher who was so intent on finding out Marcus’s secret—exclaimed as he viewed the walls of the boy’s room. Dozens of maps hung loosely by nails on his walls, giving the room an odd wallpaper. One big map on his ceiling was covered in red thump tacs, so much that it was hard to see the map itself. The last thing the group saw before the door collapsed beneath their weight and hurled them into Marcus’s empty room was a white sheet, knotted into a long rope that hung from Marcus’s bedroom window.

Marcus had never gone out his bedroom door. The window on the other hand was an entirely different matter.

I really liked this. Even though the format and some of the punctuation was a little off, it was a very well put together story. And I greatly enjoyed the little details you threw in. Just remember paragraphs and I'm you'll be fine.

Great job and feel free to PM me if you have any questions.

The last line seriously had me chuckling out loud. Very clever.

I liked this story a lot, actually. It was sweet and funny, and definitely felt like a children's book I would have loved when I was little.

My biggest critique (Rascalover seems to have caught the grammatical stuff) is the paragraphs. It really needs them. As is, the block of text makes my eyes bleed. Chernobylly has broken it down into paragraphs for you in the lovely review above mine. Try that out. It makes things so much easier to read.

Funny story: I actually read "bedroom" as "bathroom" the first time I read this and was wondering why the child chose to live in the bathroom of all the rooms in his house.

Very nice. I liked the simple tone of it and the descriptions of the various people. Definitely would be a great children's book.

Keep on writing! You're good at non-poetry! (I don't believe I've ever read your poetry.)

~GryphonFledgling