nvm 7

void.

The effort is there, but all I got out of this poem was an incomprehensible rhyme scheme, and a collection of tried and true imagery. There's probably too much that you've strung out here, I'd like to see the themes grow stronger, and the imagery compressed and enhanced.

The rhyme scheme appeared to be two lines of rhyme, followed by two of non-rhyme, followed by two of more rhyme. But this was hardly borne out throughout, it seemed like rhymes came whenever you felt like it towards the end.

But then we had lines like:

Sticking like glue
Each mistake
Leading to my renew

Which is really forced. Renewal is what fits, but the word has been amputated to provide a rhyme. This rarely ever works.

And then the tired themes. I counted:
+ Flight
+ Cliff
+ Pain
+ Silence
+ Shackles
+ Black Ink
+ Shadows (I knew we'd get to shadows sooner or later)
+ Gates

All of which I've heard before.
But it's not so much your usage of any of these that dooms the poem. All of these are common, but legitimate (actually, I'd recommend nobody ever write about black ink for another 20 years) themes. What ruins it, is that you skim over all of these. What often makes poetry successful is its depth, and there is not enough here. You don't describe any of the themes mentioned above. The trick is to find one (maybe two) metaphors, and go into detail. Instead, what you threw at us was a menagerie of black and white, doom and gloom pictures, none of which were stimulating enough on their own to grab the reader.

Really, what you need here is to refocus your idea, and cut away the fat. Get at the real meat of the issue, and hit us with that. It'll have a lot more staying power.

Hey there Broken Vain! I'm June, and I am going to review this for you. Welcome to YWS, too. You joined an awesome place.

Now for your poem here;

If I just step once more over the edge

if I just let go of the ledge

Okay, so, if you see my title there, it says grammar freak, haha. I over obsess over grammar, so please, please, don't take this harshly, but! This is not good.

Your repetition of "I just" in the two lines kind of ruins the good feeling of the poem we're gettin'. And the rhyme is too, too forced here.


The effort you put into this poem shows. Alot. Perhaps a little bit too much? It's good-- yes. But, you force the lines to come out. If you have to think too hard to write, then it's not good. You shouldn't force the words; you should be pulled by them. They should be forcing you.

You also had a rhyme scheme going at some points, dear, but we've kind of lost it in some places. Keep an eye on that, dear, and it would flow nicely. The objective of rhyme is to have it feel easy, and flowing, and not forced at all.


But! Overall, you did a great job here. You really captured emotion.

Good, good job, dear, and welcome to YWS. I hope I wasn't too hard on you

June

June.
Not at all! at least not compared to some of the comments I've been getting lately. I understand what you mean completely. I usually take more time for my poetry, but this one was rushed and I didn't check it.
I'm beginning to think I should post some of my older things rather than than coming up with new....I'm starting off on the wrong foot! lol. Thank you very much. ^^

Hey there, Broken
I'm Lost or Kirsten, whatever you want to call me xD
Welcome to YWS
It's great here, don't let the harsh critiques get you down, some people don't realise that they're harsh when they actually are, they don't mean to be harsh but they are, if you get me How are you liking it so far? If you've got any questions feel free to PM me Onto your poem:

It does seem a little bit forced but it's not too bad. You've said yourself that this isn't your best. This one was really good, even with its errors, so think how good you would be at your best xD The rhyming scheme is a bit unpredictable and a tad off but it's not too bad. Smor touched on a very valid point about the poem lacking depth. Delve deep into things, think first of all about what you want to portray through your poem and then just let it flow. If you have depth your poems will be great xD
However, we can't say that your poems lack depth because we haven't read any more of them, we've only read this one, your other ones might have an abundance of depth. Just something for you to consider. I really liked some of the ideas in here, so if you went into them in more depth it'd be great. This poem was good and I look forward to reading more by you xD

~Lost, Kirsten or anything else you want to call me xD
xoxo

Thank you very much Kirsten,
I understand they're not trying to be harsh, they're just trying to help ^^ yes, this was lacking in depth...but that's what I get for rushing. Thank you for everything. ^^

Hey I'm Sara!

I like it. It's not the best, but I think that you definitely have a good start to this.
I personally think if you're going to have a rhyming scheme, you should stick with it and have a continuous pattern. When I read poems, I prefer them to have a continuous flow if they have rhyming, and this didn't really have it.
I get where you're coming from, the message and everything, but I think the format might need a bit work.

In the beginning and end you have questions, which is how I like to write poems as well, with questions. But I think if you have questions, you should continue with them in a constant pattern. (I have this thing with patterns and poems lol.) After your first three questions, the question pattern just kind of disappeared and didn't come back until the end, but I don't think it's something completely major.

All together good job