Untitled

Authors Note:

Hey guys. So you won't be confused, I work at a McDonalds Restaurant in Elmira, New York. Although Elmira is small, we get thousands of customers a day! We are always super busy, which means grouchy co-workers, and managers. Grouchy co-workers and managers mean grouchy customers. So, if everybody is grouchy- can't I be grouchy too?
Anyway, when everybody is angry-it usually means a bad day for us Crew Members. I wrote a story of my experience one day while having a bad day. I hope you like it.
Thanks,
Berry

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"Hey, how are you?" Brad asks me.

"Fine." I reply.

"Whoa. Somebody woke up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

"Shut up."

"Whatever." He laughs and walks away.

If you couldn't tell, I was in a bad mood.

I had tossed and turned all night (which accounted for the earsplitting headache that was throbbing in my head), which meant I got up late and had to rush to get ready for work. On my hurry on the way to the bathroom, I slipped on the tile floor and jabbed my knee against the metal that was sticking out of my desk drawer (which accounted for the throbbing knee and slight limp). God, all I needed was some hot water then. I relaxed a little when I stepped in the shower.

"AHHH!!" I had screamed. "COLD! Wh-where's the h-hot wa-water?"

But of course, I had been talking to myself because my inconsiderate family had decided to use up all the hot water and then leave.

Just relax. I said to myself. But I grit my teeth the whole time in the shower.

Afterwards, I got dressed into my uniform and hurried to work.

Oh god. Laura was manager. She is going to kill me.

I cringe as I walk into the kitchen and pretend I don't notice the time. This may seem a little over dramatic but my heart even speeds up a bit. That's how bad Laura was.

Laura has been head manager at McDonalds for nearly seventeen years. I didn't blame her for being so mean all the time. She's lived through eleven sets of crew members

I think people underestimate Laura sometimes. It's her appearance. Laura was short, and plump. Her oval face always had deep set wrinkles - most of them are probably from stress. Laura didn't believe in makeup, so she always had her blonde-grayish hair tightly pulled into a bun, her glasses abridge on her nose, and no jewelry.

She came to work every day with her uniform ironed and fresh, her nametag placed on her left breast pocket and her lips tightly pressed. Sometimes, when Laura is angry, you could see her jaw pop up and down. That's when you run.

So that's why I was dreading facing Laura. I needed this job. And that’s why, I was pretending I had not noticed the time, and carried on doing my job.

Someone taps me on my shoulder. I jump, and turn around.

Ugh. Just Brad.

He smirks a little. “Laura wants to see you.”

Critique of the story:
Honestly, what was the point of this? Are you going to post more, or is this it? Absolutely nothing happened. There was no plot or anything.

Critique of the writing:

First of all, you have a problem with your tenses. You switched to past tense several times.

drivers seat

Should be: driver's seat.

I give her her change.

Whoops. You typed the word "her" twice.

"Happy Holidays," She says

De-capitalize she.

"Um, can I have two chicken nugget happy meals.

This sentence should end with a question mark instead of a period.

I loved this. I love the description. I can imagine you quickly taking in and passing judgments about the people in the car. You gave it an easy and effortless air.

You had some problems with tense shift which I don't think were on purpose. I like the way this is told in present tense, but you slip into past tense when describing the people in the car. I think it would be correct to have the entire piece in present tense.

Her lips show a hint of a small smile, as if she knew something devious.

I think the small in this sentence is repetitive. If it is a hint of a smile, it would seem obvious that it is small. Also, I think the word choice of "devious" is a bit out of place. The rest of the piece is very vernacular-y, and this word is more advanced. I would keep it consistent.

I don't have any other complaints. It's real good. I would enjoy reading a extended chronicle of your happenings at McDonalds.

well done!

This is really well written and descriptive, but it honestly doesn't move anywhere. I enjoyed reading it, but I don't walk away with anything I don't already know. I've been to a drive-thru and the perspective from the person in the window... not that gripping.

"Six dollars please," I say as the Chevy pulls up to the window.

There should be a comma after "dollars".

As she takes out her wallet to get her money, I let my eyes wander to the people inside of the car.

I think the "to get her money" is irrelevant. Why else would she get out her wallet after she has been charged for her meal?

I notice his arms were crossed over his chest, as if trying to protect himself from something.

Whoa, tense change! "Notice", present tense, "were", past tense. And this isn't the only time.

His face was clammy, and his chest rose up and down rapidly as if he just run a million miles.

"As if he just run a million miles"? That doesn't make sense. It's "he had just run" or "he just ran". I suggest that you use the first.

I guessed the woman in the drivers seat was the mother.

Driver's seat. Driver ' s.

"Um, can I have two chicken nugget happy meals. One for a boy and one for a girl."

The first 'sentence' is a question. Put a question mark.

"Chocolate milk please."

Comma before "please".

"Your total will be six dollars and ninety cents at your first window please."

Again, comma before "please".

Overall, not bad in writing sense, but I don't understand what the point of it is. By the way,couldn't you come up with a title? People will be discouraged to read it if you have "untitled" as a title.

This is really well written and descriptive, but it honestly doesn't move anywhere. I enjoyed reading it, but I don't walk away with anything I don't already know. I've been to a drive-thru and the perspective from the person in the window... not that gripping.

"Six dollars please," I say as the Chevy pulls up to the window.

There should be a comma after "dollars".

As she takes out her wallet to get her money, I let my eyes wander to the people inside of the car.

I think the "to get her money" is irrelevant. Why else would she get out her wallet after she has been charged for her meal?

I notice his arms were crossed over his chest, as if trying to protect himself from something.

Whoa, tense change! "Notice", present tense, "were", past tense. And this isn't the only time.

His face was clammy, and his chest rose up and down rapidly as if he just run a million miles.

"As if he just run a million miles"? That doesn't make sense. It's "he had just run" or "he just ran". I suggest that you use the first.

I guessed the woman in the drivers seat was the mother.

Driver's seat. Driver ' s.

"Um, can I have two chicken nugget happy meals. One for a boy and one for a girl."

The first 'sentence' is a question. Put a question mark.

"Chocolate milk please."

Comma before "please".

"Your total will be six dollars and ninety cents at your first window please."

Again, comma before "please".

Overall, not bad in writing sense, but I don't understand what the point of it is. By the way,couldn't you come up with a title? People will be discouraged to read it if you have "untitled" as a title.