Collection of Poetry for a contest

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Hahira's Twilight

I listen to the train blare,
As twilight darkens the day
I look up and see the sky,
And the star that at me gaze.
I look across the street,
To see the Christmas lights.
Blinking, matching the stars above,
My little city, how I love.

Unnoticed in Hahira

Slumped in the bus seat
I see the streets,
Worn from the walking,
From playing and talking,
The stores line the road,
For many a soft abode,
From life's troubles.

See the signs of Hahira's life

I stand in the road,
And look at the stoplight
Dutiful every time of the day,
Green, yellow, and red
From its sign its said,
To go, stop, or slow.
I hear an engines rumble,
And a car horn's racket,
I finish my walk, and watch
The light again.

Flippin in Hahira

I look at the building
Where I work, laugh, and cheer
Where I cry, argue, and leer,
At sometimes difficult parents
At unsuspecting teammates.
I take it in, the sunlight blinding.
And silently I thank it for its peace.

Hahira Signs

You'd be amazed at
The things on the billboard
There is one for everything
Gas and food and strippers
(I can show you the pictures)
Disneyland, shows, shops,
Speed, your stopped by the cops
So take it slow from now on out
And look at the signs that are all about.
Last edited by Kaylyn on Thu Jan 01, 2009 11:32 pm, edited 1 time in total.
As your pretty, so be wise,
Wolves may lurk in every guise.




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This is pretty good. I don't really know poetry very well, though :). It's better than I could do.

And the star that at me gaze


Maybe it's just me, but I feel this line should either be:

And the stars that at me gaze
or
And the star that at me gazes

To see the christmas lights


Capitalize Christmas.

Blinking, matching the stars above,


I like that line.

Dutiful everytime of the day


Every time. Two words. ^_^

o go, stop, or slow.


I think you mean "to", not "o".

At unsuspecting teamates


I always spell it wrong, too. The word is "teammates".

This probably didn't help much,
Sakura
Odi et amo. quare id faciam, fortasse requiris?
nescio, sed fieri sentio et excrucior.
-Catullus, Carmen 85




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Points 890
Reviews 64
Hey, Kaylyn! Very nice poem!

I listen to the train's blares

I think it should be, " I listen to the train blare."

And the star that at me gaze

This line makes no sense at all. Try playing with different things. Maybe, "The stars gaze at me?"

To see the christmas lights

Please capitalize Christmas.

I hear an engines rumble

Either I hear an engine's rumble or I hear engines rumble.

And a horn's blare

I would recommend you use a different word other than blare, since you already used it in the poem. You don't want to keep repeating words because the reader will get bored. Use another word like beep or honk. They may be boring, but you won't repeat yourself.

Please put in periods! This poem is very confusing without them. I didn't know where a sentence ended or where it started. They look like run-ons.

Overall, I liked this poem. Great job!

Becca



If a nation loses its storytellers, it loses its childhood.
— Peter Handke