Left with Goodbye

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I was shaken by your innocence-
The petals pooling around your ankles
As you played roulette
With a simple drooping daisy.

Thorn bushes catch your dress.
Blackberries catch your eyes.
Licking your lips appreciatively,
You recall the doorstep I can't forget.

Reluctantly, you race to me,
Reigning the reeds and the wind.
Retying you shoelace, I drag you along.
Removed, I traipse to your door.

I was shaken by my ignorance,
(Of circumstances far from home
Of how to let a child go
Into nightmares beyond my truths.)

Drunkenly, they chastised you
For choking on the pungent smoke.
So silently I watched you sink
Into bruises and stagnant sin.

Floundering, faltering, I fidgeted
Postponing reality for seconds or years.
Finally failing, my words slipped away,
And the one that was left was “Goodbye”
Last edited by PetalPickingPoet on Thu Jan 01, 2009 7:32 am, edited 1 time in total.




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I adore this poem. Your imagery and diction are spot on.

I also dislike this poem for several reasons. First of all, you have no punctuation, and that murders this. It is most certainly a poem better carried with punctuation. You have some typos here and there that can easily be caught with a read through, also.

One of the larger reasons I disliked it was because it is vague in the most important places. Here, for example:

You remember what I can’t forget
What can't the speaker forget? Sure, I could take a guess, but by this point in the poem I have nothing to go off of. Reading it again, I still have no idea. Try to hint at this a bit more, so that the line actually holds some significance.

Otherwise, I adore your alliterations, and the ending is wonderful. Best of luck!
“It's necessary to have wished for death in order to know how good it is to live.”
― Alexandre Dumas, The Count of Monte Cristo




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Gender Female
Points 890
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Thanks so much!
I meant to add punctuation before I posted. (That's always the last thing I do to a poem.) It must have slipped my mind. Fixed now.
Thanks again! =]



You can't blame the writer for what the characters say.
— Truman Capote