Recently the question has come up on whether or not I should modernize the names of my characters. I'd love your opinions on this, as I'm a bit stuck in my own way (keeping the original names) and am loath to do it unless others think it's a good idea. I'm also not sure of how to write the way Puck talks. Thanks for the help.
Act 3, Scene 2
The scene is set in the classroom. Oberon is sitting in the teachers chair looking regal. Flute is standing behind him.
Oberon: I wonder who Titania will find first… Here comes Puck, he can tell me!
Flute: I wonder…
Flute trails off realizing that Oberon was completely understandable. He glares at him.
Puck: I did it. I saw who your girlfriend is in love with, and man, you aren’t goin’ ta believe this!
Oberon: What person is the female person or animal being discussed or last mentioned feeling profoundly tender, passionate affection for?
Flute is deliberately silent, annoyed at Oberon for switching back and forth. Oberon waits for a second then gives an impatient hand gesture. Flute reluctantly starts.
Flute: Well? Who is she in love with?
Puck: Here’s the dirt. There were these band kids, right? They were practicing for the party. And there was this really weird looking one bossing them all around right? He looked like he needed to be taken down a notch, so I sort of gave him a little something. I found it with that other potion, and it messed with his face. He looked like a puffed up bull frog when it was done with him! Anyways, his band mates took one look at him and ran. It was hilarious. So he goes to find them, right, and who does he find but Titania right there!
Puck stops, glowing from his achievement.
Oberon: That’s highly consequential! You executed the transfer of possession to another male child in addition?
Flute: That’s great! Did you give some to that other guy too?
Puck: What? Oh ya, him. I gave some ta’ him to, but nothing happened that I saw. Very borin’.
Oberon: Remain in a state of repose until something expected happens. He’s approaching this particular place.
Flute is annoyed at Oberon and yells the next line hoping he will be heard.
Flute: Wait! He’s coming!
Oberon shushes him quickly and gives him a glare. He glares back and they both look away from each other, obstinately ignoring the other. Oberon, Puck, and Flute move to hide between the teachers desk. Demetrius enters, Hermia trailing on his heels.
Puck: (Whispering) That’s the girl, couldn’t forget her, but that’s not the guy…
Demetrius: Dudette, why don’t you, like, like me?
Hermia: Oh I don’t know! I just don’t! Do you know where Lysander is? I’ve been looking for him everywhere and I just can’t find him! You were fighting earlier, weren’t you? You shouldn’t do that you know! I like him! I think he’s playing hide and seek, but I’m tired of it now! I want him to come out!
Demetrius: You know you, like, kill me with, like, your dissing me all the time.
Hermia: What does that have to do with anything? It’s not going to help me find Lysander is it? Oh! It’s some sort of clue! Lysander’s good at games, I’ll ask him what it means! Oh, wait. He’s gone. (She slumps slightly but perks up almost immediately) But you know where he is Demetrius! You’ll help me find him!
Demetrius: How in a shop of skateboards should I know that! I’d, like, challenge him to, like, a contest for your, um, thing that makes you tick, but I’d never, like, show you where he is. (Quickly added) Not that I know.
Hermia is now pouting; annoyed that Demetrius won’t help her. She turns away from him as she speaks, clearly dismissing him.
Hermia: Oh, then go away if you won’t help me! I can find him perfectly well on my own! (Calling) Lysander! Lysander, where are you!
Demetrius takes her shoulder spinning her around.
Demetrius: I’m telling you Herms, I don’t know where he is! Like, really!
Hermia: Then help me look! You’re ever so good at peeking in those high up places! I know because you can always reach my window! And Daddy thinks you’re a good boy! Now help me look! Please? I want to find Lysander!
Demetrius blushes, but recovers quickly.
Demetrius: (Slyly) What will I get out of it dudette? Will you come watch me at that contest?
Hermia: No, no! I don’t have time for that! I’m watching Lysander play his dungeons and wizards thingy that day! Oh well! Fine! I you won’t help I’ll look for him on my own then! Lysander! Where are you!
Hermia floats off leaving Demetrius seemingly alone. He sighs, and speaks his thoughts aloud to the audience.
Demetrius: It’s, like, no use. I’ll never, like, win her.
He sighs and leaves.
Oberon: (Very agitated) What have you exhibited in action or words!?! At the present time, you’ve caused the annihilation of being in accordance with the actual state or conditions affection!!!
Flute, being annoyed, is making Oberon’s every statement sound monotone.
Flute: What have you done. Now you’ve wrecked what was true love.
Puck: Well, how should I know! You just said the guy with hair!
Oberon: (Resigned) What’s completed is completed, save without further delay I necessitate you to come across the female in accordance with an acknowledged or accepted standard. I’ll administer that substance recognized in the official pharmacopoeia or formulary of the nation of a certain unspecified amount to this gentleman and at the next order of time you can convey her to this position so that they descend under the force of adoration.
Flute: What’s done is done, but now I need you to find the right girl. I’ll give some of that stuff to this guy and then you can bring her around so that they fall in love.
Puck: Okay. Fine, fine. Whatever.
Puck gives Oberon back the bottle of Plan X and leaves. Oberon leaves a second after and the plunk of a drink being bought is heard, then it being opened and set down. He then reenters the stage and speaks. Flute does not go with him but appears to be thinking of a new way to get on Oberon’s nerves.
Oberon: There! Now he’ll fall in love with the right girl!
Flute: (Mimicking like a copy cat) There! Now he’ll fall in love with the right girl!
Oberon glares daggers and starts to open his mouth but Puck reenters and so Oberon shuts it rapidly.
Puck: Ok boss, the girl is coming. That guy is with her too though, does it matter much? It should be fun to watch.
Oberon: Let’s conceal ourselves from sight.
Flute: (Mimicking) Let’s hide.
Puck: Good! I love watching my work unfold.
They all hide behind the desk. Lysander and Helena enter side by side arguing.
Lysander: Helena, how many times do I need to say this, I love you! I’ve written my love for you in every chat room I could find, but you still doubt me. Why won’t you believe me?
Helena: Oh, and how many of these chat rooms have you found in this short time? Wait, don’t tell me, none! For you love for me is as false as the chest of a smuggler, your lies go on into eternity. I know you love Hermia!
Lysander: I don’t love her!
Helena: (Childishly) Do to!
Lysander: Do not! That’s Demetrius!
Demetrius enters. He has a pop can in his hand and he takes a swig of it as he come through the door. He looks up and sees Helena and immediately rushes to her side, dropping the now empty pop can.
Demetrius: Like, Dudette! Like, wow! You’re, like, so amazing!
Helena: Oh cruel fate that you would mock me so! To send two men to my arms, but in mockery rather than love! You men are despicable to make a poor girl cry, is no manly feat, nor is it a wise jest.
Lysander: Demetrius, I know you love Hermia! Just take her and leave me with this damsel in distress. I have picked up the quest that you have rejected, and I intend to claim my reward. Take Hermia, like you have tried to for so long. I don’t want her anymore!
Helena: You go too far for a joke, you heartless villains.
Demetrius: (Ignoring Helena) Dude, you can, like, keep your Hermia. I, like, love Helena now.
Lysander: Helena, don’t believe him.
Demetrius: Don’t, like, diss what you don’t, like, know. I love Helena, you, like, love Hermia. Look, that dudette is coming here now!
Hermia enters and goes straight to Lysander’s side, grabbing his arm and talking quickly.
Hermia: Oh goody! I’ve found you Lysander! You’re it! But I don’t want to play anymore! I’m tired, and hide and seek is for babies! I played it with my cousins when they came to my house! They’re so cute and little! But, why did you not come out when I called?
Lysander: I have found the ultimate weapon, which nothing compares.
Hermia: What? Weapon? For what game? You weren’t playing hide and seek? I don’t get it! You still should have come out Lysander! I was looking for you, and calling you! And I couldn’t find you anywhere! Why didn’t you come out!
Lysander: I found Helena, the perfect sword of redemption, and left for adventures untold in this new and dangerous land. She is my lady now, not you.
Hermia’s façade of happiness is starting to slip a bit now.
Hermia: Lysander! What do you mean! I love you and you love me! Oh! That’s just like Barney! (giggle) I rhymed! (giggle)
Helena: Hermia is joined in this assemblage of taunting! How could you do this to me Hermia! We’ve been friends since ages long gone! Together we learned to speak, to write, we shared a mind! Was it not I who played with you when the others got bored with your chatter? And yet you have turned that very same chatter to mocking you childhood friend and spreading her name in contempt from the top of the highest peak? You should be ashamed, and far be it from I who deserves the contempt. Look to yourself for that.
Hermia: What are you talking about Helena! I’m not insulting you! You’re my best friend! I wouldn’t be mean to you! Never! I just want to know what’s going on!
Helena: Don’t lie to me! I can see through you childish pretenses of confusion! ‘Twas you that sent both of these churls, who previously begging for just your touch, have turned full round to scorn me with their false pronouncements of everlasting love!
Hermia: I still don’t get it Helena! Maybe explain slower! That’s what my teachers do and it seems to work! But I just don’t understand what you’re saying!
Helena: Fine then, keep up the charade of innocence, it shall be torn down soon enough. You need not be concerned with the state in which you have led me to. If I leave or die this will soon be remedied.
Lysander: My glorious angel Helena, stay!
Helena: Your joke has been played, and played well, now let me be!
Hermia: Lysander! Don’t insult Helena! It’s not nice! You shouldn’t act so mean! Say you’re sorry right now!
Demetrius: (Pulling up his sleeves) If that dudette can’t make you stop I, like, will.
Lysander: Neither of you can stop me! I want to tell all of cyberspace of the love I have found, if my fair maiden, the queen of my castle, would allow it.
Demetrius: (To Helena) Well, I, like, love you more than, like, he does.
Lysander: If you won’t give up your claim, I challenge you to a duel! What is the game of your choice?
Demetrius is momentarily perplexed, he has no clue what was just said.
Demetrius: Game? Wouldn’t it be easier to just, like, fight?
Lysander: Fight? (He looks worried but glances at Helena and regains his courage) Anything for my lady.
Lysander rolls up his sleeve. They move to circle each other, boxing style. Helena shrieks and jumps back, but Hermia steps forward and grabs a hold of Lysander’s arm.
Hermia: Lysander! What are you doing! Fighting is so bad! People get hurt! And cry! And Crying isn’t good! It just makes you feel sad! I don’t like crying!
Lysander shakes Hermia’s hold off his arm with considerable difficulty.
Lysander: Let go you… you Noob!
Demetrius: You coward! You couldn’t even get the dudette to let go of you! Go on dude! Like, run away!
Lysander: Leave me alone you pixie dust! Get off!
Hermia recoils, shocked with the vehemence of his insult. Demetrius laughs at the difficulty Lysander had at getting Hermia off of his arm.
Hermia: Honey bunches! What’s gotten into you? Why are you being so rude? I wasn’t mean to you! Why were you mean to me? Stop it!
Lysander: Honey Bunches! Don’t call me that! We aren’t glued together at the waist! (Thinking) It was never a good nick name anyways, nothing like Leroy Jenkins… Just go away you blubbering GIRL.
Hermia’s pretense of happiness fades in an instant and she takes care to articulate her next words very clearly.
Hermia: Lysander. This. Is. Not. Funny.
Helena: Of course it’s not! It’s eternal torment, like that found in the deepest pits of hell!
Lysander: (Ignoring the girls and gesturing bring it on) Let’s do this.
Demetrius: I don’t, like, trust you dude. You, like, tricked Hermia into thinking you loved her, like, what’s to stop you from, like, tricking me?
Lysander: What do you want me to do? I hate Hermia now, but I’m not going to hurt her.
Hermia is shocked at the last statement and takes a step back, falling over onto a bench. Her exclamation points are now in anger.
Hermia: You hate me! Since when! You are my boyfriend, I am your girlfriend! We do not hate each other! That is not how this works! You cannot hate me!
Lysander: How many times do I have to repeat myself? (Slowly and deliberately) I don’t like you anymore. I love Helena.
Hermia is shocked and reeling she turns on Helena.
Hermia: Helena! What have you done to my Lysander! Have you bewitched him? Stop it! I want him back! Now!
Helena: I’ve done nothing you hateful blabbermouth! You’ve no right to blame me for your own doings, your own hated tricks!
Hermia: Blabbermouth! I am not blabbermouth! I talk no more than is necessary. Oh wait; I see what you’re saying! You’re calling me stupid! Just because you talk with more flowing terms and the teacher’s talk slowly to me! Well let me tell you something! That does not make me stupid! I’m very full of untapped potential! Morer fuller than you!
Hermia advances on Helena, bristling, as Helena backs away towards Demetrius and Lysander, She bumps into Lysander first but then turns around and runs to shelter behind Demetrius.
Helena: Don’t let her touch me, I can’t protect myself!
Hermia: You think these boys can protect you from me? (Mockingly) I thought you knew me better than that Helena! Don’t you know! I don’t get mad often but when I do… You’re going to pay!
Helena: I’m sorry, Hermia, but please don’t blame me! I’ve done nothing ill spirited towards you all my life, just let me return to my home, let me leave this place.
Hermia: Nothing is stopping you! Run away! Go!
Helena: But, something does block me, as it has blocked me my entire life. I cannot bear to leave behind my heart and soul.
Hermia: Lysander stays. He betrayed me and I’ll deal with him later!
Helena: Not, Lysander! No, he means naught to me. But my darling Demetrius I would spare.
Lysander: Don’t be afraid, Hermia will not touch a hair on your head.
Demetrius: No, she won’t. Even if you, like, take her side, Sandy.
Helena: She’s a hell cat when she finds the words, and I don’t doubt her strength either. Let us go Demetrius.
Helena grabs his arm and drags him towards the door. He goes, but reluctantly, still wanting to fight Lysander. They stop when they hear Hermia’s voice again.
Hermia: There you go again! “When she finds the words”! (To Lysander) Why are you letting her call me names like this!
Lysander: (To Hermia) Leave us alone you village idiot!
Demetrius: Dude, you’re over doing it. Helena wants me, and if you, like, keep insulting Hermia you’ll, like, regret it.
Lysander: I no longer answer to Hermia, but to Helena’s every whim. You say she prefers you? I disagree; let us fight to sort this out.
Demetrius: Dude, that’s what I’ve been saying! Let’s do it.
Demetrius and Lysander leave, Demetrius in the lead. Lysander is looking nervous but determined.
Hermia: You! You did this! Stay here!
Helena: You surly jest, I’m not leaving Demetrius to fight with me not by his side, my handkerchief upon his lapel.
Helena leaves in the same direction as Lysander and Demetrius before Hermia can stop her.
Hermia: I can’t believe this!
Hermia storms out in the same direction. Oberon, Puck, and Flute all come out from behind the desk. Oberon is furious with Puck, who is trying to stiffle laughter.
Oberon: What have you completed! This was not presumed to be true without conclusive evidence to come to pass! Were you the cause of this as a goal for yourself?
Flute is now really peeved with Oberon, and he yells the translation back into his face.
Flute: What have you done! This wasn’t what was supposed to happen! Did you do it on purpose!
Puck: Of course not! Why would I do somthin’ like this? Ah, wait, never mind. But, if you noticed, both the guys had hair. ‘Sides, isn’t this a good thing? Wasn’t it fun watching that?
Oberon has cooled off a bit before he continues.
Oberon: They’re endeavoring to establish a locality at which to create a diversion in which the participants hit each other with their respective fists, feet, knees, teeth etcetera. Would you concede to go quickly by moving the legs more rapidly than at a walk and in such a manner that for an instant in each step all or both feet are off the ground to the hollow square energy force and change the position of by flipping towards the ground the illuminating agent in the institution where instruction is given? It is a possibility that we may perplex them and disengage the participants from the simulation of chaos you have fashioned. The draft with medicinal and magical powers will invalidate this? Present it as a gift to LYSANDER and it is likely that the entirety of this escapade will be seen as imagined like a dream. I’m departing in order to discover the whereabouts of my beautiful experiment to produce to her the immediate remedy of her philter induced woes, so that the exodus from this regular course of meetings of a teacher or teachers and students for instruction can be acted upon.
Flute is silent for a long time, glaring at Oberon, who looks at him pleadingly. He starts to talk, softening a little.
Flute: Well, now they’re trying to find a place to fight. Can you run over to the power box and turn out the lights in the school? Maybe we can confuse them and sort out this mess you’ve made. You’ve got the potion that will reverse this right? Give it to Lysander and then hopefully they’ll forget about this whole thing as they’re trying to find one another. I’m going to find Titania and give her the remedy too so that we can have peace and just go home.
Puck groans annoyed at having to run around the school again.
Puck: Do I have to? That’s so much running, and besides, this is fun to watch!
Oberon: I do not give my assent or approval to that. Act with haste!
Flute: Yes, you have too. Now hurry up!
Puck: Oh, fine then! I’ll just do everything you told me like a good little boy and turn out the lights shall I? You couldn’t let Puck have just a little bit of fun, no that would be horrible!
Puck leaves, muttering. Oberon turns to his translator, the first real acknowledgment that he is a real person. He is apologetic. Flute is angry.
Flute: What are you doing employing me! I thought you spoke so technically that others couldn’t understand you and that’s why you hired me! But you can! You can speak perfectly well without me here, and I’m done with this.
Flute moves to walk off stage. Oberon grabs him.
Oberon: No! Wait! Look, I’m sorry you found out…
Flute rips his arm away and moves away, but stops as Oberon keeps talking.
Oberon: But I’m even sorrier that I didn’t tell you. It’s just… my image is everything to me! Why else do you think I wear these glasses taped, or this horrid shirt? I know they look stupid! I NEED to be nerdy, it’s the only thing I have going for me! I’m not athletic, I can’t act, or sing, or dance, and I’m nothing if not smart! Do you know how horrible it is to be nothing?
Flute: (Interrupting) Of course I know what it feels like to be nothing; I’ve been feeling that way ever since taking this job! I’ve been ignored the entire time and I’m sick of it!
Oberon: I’m sorry, I’m sorry. I know I’ve mistreated you, I just need you so much, without my speech my entire image is nothing, and no one can understand my speech! Please don’t quit on me now!
Flute: Well… fine. But you’re going to have to face this sooner or later. Actually, it’ll be sooner. You were planning on going to the principal’s party right? Well I… I have something else to do then. You’ll be on your own.
Oberon: But I can’t! I’m not ready!
Flute: (Cold) You’d better be.
Oberon and Flute leave together, carrying a bag that Puck has given him. The lights on the stage go dark except for a single spotlight on the center of the stage. A couple of blood curdling screams are heard. Lysander blunders into the spotlight which obviously does not help him see. He flails around for a moment then speaks.
Lysander: Demetrius! You half troll! Come out and fight like a man!
A voiceover in Demetrius’s voice commences.
Voice over: Dude! I’m, like, right here waiting for you! What are you man, an idiot!
Lysander: That does it! Prepare to be pummeled you sorcerer’s mistake!
Voice over: Dude, like, not here! The teachers will hear! We, like, have to go outside!
Lysander sighs and leaves the spotlight. Demetrius enters it. The voice over changes into Lysander’s voice.
Demetrius: Dude! Like, where are you! Did you, like, run away?
Voice over: You coward pretending you don’t know where I am when I’m right here! Come and fight like someone who actually has a life!
Demetrius: Are you, like, here?
Voice over: Of course you oaf! Follow my voice! We don’t want the teachers to catch us fighting.
Demetrius leaves the spotlight. Lysander enters muttering to himself.
Lysander: I can hear the Orc face but I can’t see him! He moves to fast for me to reach! His speed points must be awesome, but my stamina points are not up to this!
Puck’s arm reaches into the spotlight and taps Lysander on the shoulder. He whirls around and the arm waves and goes back into darkness. Lysander stares at it. The fizz of a pop opening is heard and the arm re-enters offering Lysander a drink. Lysander takes it and sips. The arm retreats.
Lysander: Th-thanks… whoever you are. I needed that.
Lysander leaves the spotlight. Demetrius enters.
Voice over: Come and fight! You lily livered baby!
Demetrius: Like, stand still! If you’re not, like, scared stand still!
Voice over: I’m over here!
Demetrius: Like, forget this! I’ll, like, never catch him!
Demetrius leaves the spotlight in the opposite direction from Lysander. Helena enters.
Helena: Woe! Oh woe! What has befallen me! My friends have turned against me and my love mocks me with his words. What is to become of me!
Helena leaves the stage towards Demetrius with her head in her hands. Puck enters, carrying a flashlight.
Puck: That’s three, but where’s the forth un? Oh wait! Here she comes! She’s so beautiful.
Puck gets a dreamy love sick look on his face and leaves the spotlight towards Demetrius’s side.
Hermia: Oh! This is so bad! I hope Lysander comes to his senses and is OK! I miss him!
She attempts to leave towards Demetrius’s side and vanishes into the darkness. A faint kissing noise can be heard and Hermia giggles before reentering the spotlight and exiting the other side. Puck enters the spotlight again dreamily with a happy grin on his face, but quickly regains control of himself and speaks sarcastically.
Puck: Now, I think ‘at’s all of them. Guess I’ll turn on the lights now so that everyone can be happily ever after. And I was having so much fun to!
The scene evrything explodes... and probably one of the worst in my script. As always, feel free to be as harsh as you want, as long as your suggestions will make my writing better.
To everyone who tells me I need to tone down Oberon's speech, I know, and am probably working on it as you read this.
