On A Painted Canvas

Wow, this poem isn't dark! *pats self*

But still, please tear it up and don't worry about hurting my feelings. I do enjoy your comments, good or bad! :3



On A Painted Canvas


Cloudless skies spread across the painted canvas.

Splashes of gold and silver fill the wonder of the world;
Another heart is filled with love and another sinner is saved.

The church bells ring their silent rings.

And all are quiet as they stare in amazement,
At the stars shooting across the bright sky while they sing songs like angels.

Arms stretched out from above,
He pulls us all home.

The new world is a place everyone belongs and a place darkness is no more.

We are all forgiven and the past is forever forgotten.

From the valleys to the cities made of glass,
Evil is nonexistent.

Our souls are free and beautiful,
Cleansed of all impurities.

We roam our lands with knowing that nothing will harm us.

Safe and secure,
That is how we feel.

We are the children of God,
Sons and daughters,
Brothers and sisters.

Hand in hand,
We have finally found peace.

Hey there Miss Slade!

I quite like this but I feel like the formatting of this poem really messed it up. In my opinion, people should stick to stanzas, it just reads better.

I.

I liked the title of this poem and it really caught my eye but I don't feel like you've grasped the meaning. When reading a poem one wants to feel like they know the meaning of it and often they don't but then they embrace the author's meaning of it. A poem is not always beautiful and it has flaws, depending on if you give it flaws. This poem does indeed have flaws though it is beautiful.

Splashes of gold and silver fill the wonder of the world;
Another heart is filled with love and another sinner is saved.

This to me, doesn't seem like it transitions well after your first line. I mean I get what you're trying to portray here but there should be a little bit more before this. You want to utilize every aspect of the poem and not leave every path untraveled, you know what I mean? In other words, don't take shortcuts. This poem can be as long as you want it to be, the sky is the limit.

The church bells ring their silent rings.

And all are quiet as they stare in amazement,
At the stars shooting across the bright sky while they sing songs like angels.

1. The pattern that I see is one line, then two lines, one line, two lines etc. If you're going to write the poem like that keep it consistent.
2. Okay, the church bells are ringing silent rings? Elaborate more on that instead of going into the people staring up at the sky. Why would the people look up at the stars? And they're singing?

II

I'm not going to repeat myself with the rest of the poem but do know that I am not being harsh and I am not saying this is a bad poem. It needs work as all poems do before they can be great or perfect. I think you need to grasp the meaning of this and then I think this would be more beautiful then this already is. Poems have many sides. Paint them and don't leave them unturned because then they'll scar the rest of the poem.

Thanks for the read and if you have questions PM me.

~Angel

This poem was expensive - that is, it took time to read without offering little to nothing to compensate in the way of ideas or even simple imagery.

First, you have absolutely nothing original and I cannot even find a dynamic concept being transmitted between the lines and stanzas. The basic premise of the piece is this: the narrator is going to heaven, perhaps as a result of the Rapture. Beyond that...nothing. The piece is like a perverse barren land; frosted with sweet platitudes and empty words on the outside but no substance to hold it up.

The poem repeats itself too often. Lines like

The new world is a place everyone belongs and a place darkness is no more.

Evil is nonexistent.

Safe and secure,
That is how we feel.

We have finally found peace.

say the same things without adding anything new. That is a large portion of your poem, which alone indicates that this piece has contracted a terminal illness from the beginning.

In addition, there is no imagery to support your statements. You are apparently writing a very Romanticized poem but you only use one of the five senses - sight (although there is a slight hint of sound, however weak). If you want this poem to have any respectability whatsoever, stop explaining and start painting.

In general, I cannot see how this piece can be saved because at its core, it is flawed to such an extent that digging out and removing the problems will end up destroying the overall meaning and context and reducing it to something appropriate to nihilism, not paradise. Trying to fix it is as futile as throwing buckets of water upon a desert floor. Put this poem away and don't look at it again. Start new; if you want the concept of heaven and reaching heaven, fine, but do it in a way that does not have the reader feeling that he has heard this too many times before.