Indescribable

First poetry post in ages <3


Indescribable


Perhaps it was the cracks in her lips
that oozed pretty crimson,
or that way her hair
always stuck up in odd places.
Maybe it was how she chewed
her nails down so far
her fingertips bled.
Could it be her musty clothes?
Matted down with grime and
stinking of stale cigarettes.
Possibly it was because she was
an enigma, with eyes that shone
bright blue in the sun.
Or was it her pale skin,
soft with the curves of a real woman?
And guess after guess,
I am wrong,
for beauty is indescribable.

Hi there! I'm going to pick at some small things first because this is worth it.

Perhaps it was the cracks in her lips
that oozed pretty crimson,
or [s]that[/s] the way [s]that[/s] her hair
always stuck up in odd places.

You use "the" in the first line, so "the" in the second works better, and the second "that" rubbed me wrong. Additionally, I really really love the first description there. Bodily lipstick is what I think of, which is morbid and interesting all at the same time, haha.

Maybe it was [s]the[/s] how she chewed

Possibly it was because she was

I don't know how you can fix this, but you probably should.

On one hand I like this because you're describing things we don't attribute to beauty and calling it beauty, and on the other I don't like it because you sit with the old, cliche idea of beauty being indescribable. That's a Shakespeare thing, and possibly even before that. I would have liked this more had it hit some sort of more definite, and new conclusion regarding beauty. I don't want to give suggestions - unless you want some? - because I believe you're great enough to come up with your own ideas.

Something else I noticed is that even though you describe a lot of things, the descriptions don't seem strong enough to me. They're strong, but they could be stronger, and you want to have the biggest punch possible. Perhaps you should focus to strengthen the diction and what have you for impact.

I hope this helps! If you have any questions feel free to bother me.

For it being your first poem in "ages", I'd say it was pretty good. I can kind of relate to it, especially now. Very well written. But, I noticed a couple of things:

OverEasy wrote:or that way her hair
always stuck up in odd places.

Probably better as "or the way her hair".

Could it be her musty clothes?
Matted down with grime and
stinking of stale cigarettes.

I like how you threw this part in question form, to shake things up a little bit. However, I'm thinking the question mark should go at the end of this phrase, like:

"Could it be her musty clothes,
Matted down with grime and
stinking of stale cigarettes?"

It looks like it flows a little better.

And guess after guess,
I am wrong,
for beauty is indescribable.

For maximum impact, this final chunk should be separated from the rest of it, because it turns here, from wondering what makes this unknown girl beautiful to finally settling on having it be indescribable.

Great work!
kf

Hey, Easy! I didn't get to this yesterday like I wanted, but I didn't get to a lot of things either. xD Anyway. *hums A Whole New World*

Grammar and First Impressions

Perhaps it was the cracks in her lips
that oozed pretty crimson,
or [s]that[/s] way her hair
always stuck up in odd places.

Is it my turn to say the way her hair is better now? xD

Maybe it was how she chewed
her nails down so far
her fingertips bled.

Maybe you could say down to her cuticles somewhere. I find that to be more effective myself, but that may just be me, seeing as I have this thing with injuries and medical...stuff. xD

Could it be her musty clothes? [no question mark
Matted down with grime and
stinking of stale cigarettes. [question mark instead]

Possibly it was because she was
an enigma, [no comma] with eyes that shone
bright blue in the sun.

Don't use a comma here because in the next two lines, you didn't use a comma and it's a similar phrase. Maybe keep consistency? ^^

And guess after guess,
I am wrong,
for beauty is indescribable.

I feel like this ended a bit abruptly, but I'm unsure how to fix that? So it's probably just me and not having read poetry in ages. >_<

Overall

Have I ever said how much I love your description? xD You are just so fantastic with that, it makes me sick how pathetic I am. xD

Anyway, I think this is one of your better poems. I rather liked it. It's the ending that puts me in a... some sort of situation. I just can't explain it. You kinda made it suspenseful (which I get really excited for), but then you kinda end it. Maybe use Flem's idea and make it its own stanza. And separate the guess line?

[i]And guess

After guess


After guess,



I am wrong,
For beauty is indescribable.[/b]

I kinda played with format. >_>

After reading a bit of your poetry, you don't usually do funky stanza things like this, and that's perfectly fine. We just need to make it tie together somehow. More suspenseful. More goosebumpy. I feel rather unhelpful, and I hate it. xD

No doubt you'll have a question, so come find me if you have qustions! =D

Keep writing!

Jabber, the One and Only!

OverEasy wrote:First poetry post in ages <3


Indescribable


Perhaps it was the cracks in her lips
that oozed pretty crimson,
or that way her hair
always stuck up in odd places.
Maybe it was how she chewed
her nails down so far that
her fingertips bled.
Could it be her musty clothes? Nix the question mark, and then down where there's the period after 'cigarettes' is where you should put it.
Matted down with grime and
stinking of stale cigarettes.
Possibly it was because she was
an enigma, with eyes that shone
bright blue in the sun.
Or was it her pale skin,
soft with the curves of a real woman?
And guess after guess,
I am wrong,
for beauty is indescribable.

I really liked this poem. It said so much in such a small amount of words, and there's really not much that I could critique about it. Great job!