I should have, I should have

I can't do it.
I can't be that kid anymore.
That sick, twisted idiot
who just sits back to watch.

I don't want to be the one
to watch them hurt you.
I can't stand letting them
abuse you any longer.

You did nothing wrong,
yet they show no mercy.
They throw brutal strikes
against your gentle white skin.
What was once the face
of my beautiful angel,
is now the bruised
and beaten image
of a tortued soul.

And I just sat back
and let them do it.
I hid my face
behind the the watching crowd,
while they vandalized yours.

I am just as sick, twisted
and wicked as those who shattered
you that day.
When they insulted you
I should have fought back.
When they striked merciless blows at you,
I should have defended you.

But that's all I can say now.
I should have, I should have.

Hey there again Shina! Vicious June here again! To tear this apart.

Okay! So, remember what I said before about repetition? Repetition is icky. It's gross. Just yuck. To speak, you repeat in your first stanza, and that is icky. Your repetition of "I can't" doesn't suit. I know this is free form, free flow poetry here, but we need to fix that. It could easily irk the reader and the objective of poetry is to have the reader enjoy it.

Nit pick:

I can't stend letting them

I believe you meant "stand"

And I just sat back

Starting a line with "And" is bad. Starting a stanza with it like this is worse. Has to go; drop the And. It's especially bad here, because your next line also starts with And, speaking repetition.

When they striked merciless blows at you,

When they struck you with merciless blows.

The other way just doesn't suit. Once again, it can irk the reader, and you never, ever want your readers to feel bothered by a piece of writing with such a great, strong point behind it.


Remember! Read your poems aloud to revise! I know, I know, I keep saying that, but it's very, very important. Poems have to flow. They have to be poetic. Otherwise, it's just a story or words written out with... enjambment running through it.


On the whole, Shina, you did a great job. Keep it up; I like how your poems are based on something rather than based around something.


Great job!

June

angels-symphony wrote:You did nothing wrong,
yet they show no mercy.
They throw brutal strikes
against your gentle white skin.
What was once the face
of my beautiful angel,
is now the bruised
and beaten image
of a tortued soul.
.

Love this part. And I love your ending as well. I think the idea of the poem is very well presented. And your poem flows perfectly.

Hullo there!

I've probably said this about some of your other poems, I'm not certain? I really only have one thing to point out: Show, don't tell!

Since I believe that I've talked about this before, I'll try to explain how to do it more here. It might seem trivial, but it really is an important part of poetry. It makes the poem more descriptive, poetic, and it pulls the reader in. I found a good stanza that I can use to explain it.

I am just as sick, twisted
and wicked as those who shattered
you that day.
When they insulted you
I should have fought back.
When they striked merciless blows at you,
I should have defended you.

In this stanza, you tell us (or rather, the "you") what the speaker is, and what the speaker should have done. This is the kind of thing you can show in a poem. Rather than talking about things, show the situations. I can't exactly show it for you, in a good example, because I don't know the situation, but for kicks:

I stood by you
while they pulled at your skin,
picked at your bones,
and plucked you apart.
I said nothing,
when I held all the power.
If I had only opened my mouth
spewed fire and bubbled
I could have helped.

Blah blah blah. That's a really bad example! It's horrible poetry. But you can see how it is more active? It's something happening, and it involves vivid language, descriptions, and so forth. Things like that will really, really bring your poem to life.

Another comment about the overall poem. Second person gets used a lot in poetry (I seem to never be able to write a poem without second person) but writing a poem like this, where you're directly speaking to the other person (which is called an apostrophe, by the way! ) doesn't work so well sometimes. It's like a poetry letter to someone else, except as the reader I don't know or understand the situation well enough to relate to it. If you can explain more, then it'd be perfect! Just keep in mind that you're not actually giving this to whoever "you" is, and anyone needs to be able to catch on to what you're talking about.

I hope this helps! If you have any questions feel free to message me.

That sick, twisted idiot

that just sits back to watch.

I'm thinking I would go with "who just sits back to watch. Actually, I might change the word to as well, but that's less of a grammatical thing and based more on personal preferance. I mean, is you reason for sitting back so that you will be able to watch, or would you rather sit back and watch? I guess both work.

I hid my face

behind the the watching crowd,

while they vandalized yours.

At first the wording of this made the idea a little unclear to me. I thought for a moment that they were vandalizing the other person's crowd. Upon reading it again, it became more clear. It may be something that sounded wrong to just me for some reason, or you may want to work on the wording of these lines.


Overall, very well described and well done. =]