FANTACII! ~ CHP 1

hey, well this is my best friends story and she shared it with me. i want to post it to see what you guys think of it. she is not the best writter, but when she gets bored she either calls me or writes. please comment, and help with her writting.
ps. grammar and organization is not good! its a preety simple story. ( she is failing Language arts and im amazed!)


Fantasy

I stand in the corner as I watched the guy that makes me twitch. I am not that girl walking down the hallways with a great shine, and everyone wants to be. I am not that girl that spends her time mostly in the principal’s office. But, I am the girl that never makes trouble, and is never shining in those hallways. I am a normal, boring girl. My life has been the same for 14 years, and I am guessing it will be for the next…60 something more years. I glance over to see who is in this gym exactly. A lot of people, and I see Drew. Yep, Drew is hot and all, but ugh! I feel like ugly Betty around him. I probably am but... anyways he also hates me. One time I asked what he was drawing in art class in 5th grade and he answered “You know you should mind your own business, you are nothing but an annoying brat.” I took it offensive. I guess that’s how he wanted me to feel. Since then, he's been nothing but mean to me. That’s not the worse part. I would expect for him to be this grouchy at everyone, but he is the nicest person in campus, no, on earth! At least that’s what most people say. Now, now this is not the worse part yet. Here is the “kaboom”! See my school picked out 322 people to be in this game where you have your own dorm and all and earn cash by participating on events. You have a partner and a backup partner. The backup partner is in case of emergencies if your partner suddenly disappears, or dies and things like that. But the partner (this includes emergency partner) has to be the opposite sex! (Boy in my case) which means I have to sleep with a guy for 6 months, or longer!
Anyways lets go back to drew. Mean, cold, MEAN! All to guess who, ME! I really don’t know why he hates me. People say because I come from a school that he went to, and had bad memories. Well… let me give you some reasons on why that’s fake ,and other reasons that I want to throw in there:

1) I’m not the only one from that particular school! But no he's only mean to me!
2) He talks to the nerds too! Like OMG!
3) He’s friendly and almost nice (not in my point of view.)
4) Of coarse he has to get all that negative effects on me
Oh there he is. The coolest man on earth, all girls and guys around him. Well he isn’t the only one popular. Jake and Luke are pretty popular too, but I barely know them.
But drew, he's a jerk! He ain’t a god! I'm not the most popular girl in school, and I don’t talk to people like him.

“Hey Liza!” a voice called my name. It was Linda. She one of my buddies. My best friend Bella is supposed to be here too. I don’t see her though. I could barely here Linda with the entire notice in the gym. It was already hard to breathe in here! Well so this school isn’t the best ever, I wish I was in a new school. Hopefully, I’ll get the chance to make a new life in this campus we are going too. I see people I don’t even know. Like Jake and Luke, the are real good buddies, and they both look good in tuxedos (It’s a basketball thing.) I don’t know them, and so I cant really judge them, but I can with drew. I don’t talk to him either but, well… I still don’t like him, because he doesn’t like me!
Today was call out day for your roommate. “Oh my god Liza, you are with…” Linda tried to tell me. “Who!” I shouted back. I ran toward the bulletin board, to see whom I was with. My heart pounded so hard, I think the whole gym can hear my heart beat. Linda stands next to the bulletin board. “I don’t think you are going to like the results.” Linda said in a humorous way. “Liza, Liza, Liza, Liza…” I whispered to myself trying to find my name in that messed up list. “found it!” i pointed out my finger to my name and followed the dots that was going to tell me who i was with.
NO! OMG! DREEW!!!!!
DREW! DREW? DREW!? huh! Why, how, when, and who, did this! I mean, 322 people, and it had to be him? Just wait until I see his face when he finds out we are roommates. That will really tick him off.

i like the story its connects with the audience. tell ur friend she is preety gud

*cracks fingers* Well, let's begin. We've got a lot to cover.

I stand in the corner as I observed observe the guy that makes me twitch Weird reaction. Maybe you should replace Twitch with something more appropriate. I am not that girl walking down the hallways with a great shine, and everyone wants to be Awkward sentence phrasing. I am not that girl that spends her time mostly in the principal’s office. But, I am the girl that never makes trouble, and is never shining in those hallways . I am a normal, boring girl. My life has been the same for 14 years, and I am guessing it will be for the next…60 something more years. My life says nothing but MISERABLE and BORING. Well it is. My boring, miserable life doesn’t stop there. At least the miserable part. This paragraph doesn't flow because of all the awkward phrasing. And don't keep repeating that her life is Miserable and Boring. We get it.

I glance over If you're looking in, you can't glance over. Replace it with something like 'peer in' to see who is in this gym exactly. A lot of people, and I see Drew Fragmented sentence, the front should add that you 'see' a lot of people. Yep, Drew is hot and all, but ugh! I feel like ugly Betty around him. I probably am but... anyways anyway he also hates me. One time I asked what he was drawing in art class in 5th grade and he answered “You know you should mind your own business, you are nothing but an annoying brat.” I took it offensive I felt offended or I took it to be offensive I guess that’s how he wanted me to feel. Since then, he's been nothing but mean to me. That’s not the worse part. I would expect for him to be this grouchy at everyone, but he is the nicest person in campus, no, on earth Uppercase for a place noun. Earth! At least that’s what most people say. Now, now <--repetition this is not the worse worst part yet. Here is the “kaboom”! Don't make us guess what 'kaboom' is. You've already pointed out that you're going to mention the worst part, so this is unecessary See <--take that away my school picked out 322 people to be in this game where you have your own dorm and all and earn cash by participating on events. You have a partner and a backup partner. The backup partner is in case of emergencies if your partner suddenly disappears, or dies and things like that What kind of school would allow life-threatening situations? Unless you're talking about fatal health problems/omplications. But the partner (this includes emergency partner) has to be from the opposite sex! (Boy in my case) which means I have to sleep maybe 'live' or 'bunk' would be better, avoids giving people the wrong idea with a guy for 6 months, or longer!

Anyways lets go back to drew. Mean, cold, MEAN! <--Please don't form sentences like that. All to guess who, ME! bad phrasing I really don’t know why he hates me. People say it's because I come from a school that he went to, and had bad memories. Well… let me give you some reasons on why that’s fake ,and other reasons that I want to throw in there:


1) I’m not the only one from that particular school! But no he's only mean to me!

2) He talks to the nerds too! Like OMG!

3) He’s friendly and almost nice (not in my point of view.)

4) Of coarse course he has to get all that negative effects on me <--bad phrasing

Oh there he is. The coolest man on earth, all girls and guys around him. Well he isn’t the only one who is popular. Jake and Luke are pretty popular too, but I barely know them.

But drew uppercase again. Drew , he's a jerk! He ain’t a god! I'm not the most popular girl in school, and I don’t talk to people like him.


“Hey Liza!” a voice called my name. It was Linda. She one of my buddies. <-- join those 2 sentences up My best friend Bella is supposed to be here too. I don’t see her though. I could barely here Linda with the entire notice in the gym. It was already hard to breathe in here! Well so this school isn’t the best ever, I wish I was in a new school. Hopefully, I’ll get the chance to make a new life in this campus we are going too <--to. and sentence again isn't phrased well. I see people I don’t even know. Like Jake and Luke, the they are real good buddies, and they both look good in tuxedos (It’s a basketball thing.) I don’t know them, and so I cant really judge them, but I can with drew uppercase. I don’t talk to him either but, well… I still don’t like him, because he doesn’t like me!

Today was call out day for your roommate. <--what? “Oh my god Liza, you are with…” Linda tried to tell me. “Who! question mark, not exclamation.” I shouted back. I ran toward the bulletin board, to see whom I was with. My heart pounded so hard, I think the whole gym can hear my heart beat. Linda stands next to the bulletin board. “I don’t think you are going to like the results.” Linda said in a humorous way. “Liza, Liza, Liza, Liza…” I whispered to myself trying to find my name in that messed up list. “found it!” i pointed out my finger to my name and followed the dots that was going to tell me who i was with. NO! OMG! DREEW!!!!! <--bad.

DREW! DREW? DREW!? MY USELESS LIFE IS NOW GONE! <--bad. Why, how, when, and who, did this! question mark I mean, 322 people, and it had to be him? Just wait until I see his face when he finds out we are roommates. That will really tick him off.

I didn't do a very thorough correction of it, but it is already quite extensive.

Many things you must know:
1) Stop switching tenses.
2) Don't keep using CAPS. Use italics or bold.
3) Haphazardly done. Some parts you didn't use uppercase where needed.
4) You are right, your grammar needs working on.
5) Your organisation is better than grammar, but still need work as well.
6) You sound like you're chatting to your friend. Much too informal. The quality of your english becomes poor.
7) Watch your punctuation.
Avoid chatspeak. OMG is short for Oh my Gosh/God/Goodness etc.. Spell it out.
9) Be more descriptive, use less simple words here and there.
10) Important: For every 1 piece of work you post, you must review 2 others, not done by you. You should get it done soon.

~The plot, has a good potential to develop into comedic disaster and it's predictable who'll she'll end up with. It's the enemy-friend, hate-love kind of story. But if written well, it would be good. You've managed to catch my interest at the very least.

~Don't be discouraged by what I say. Take it a step at a time. I apologise if I sound harsh to you.
Oh, and what's the picture for?

~Good luck with your future chapters. I am looking forward to them.
And welcome to the YWS family!

i like your friends story. it gets me how the writter connects with the reader. use more vivid language. tell your friend to post chapter 2.

i like your friends story. it gets me how the writter connects with the reader. use more vivid language. tell your friend to post chapter 2.